Never_Forget
August 31st, 2007, 09:44 PM
I guess I'm just one of many but before you say to yourself "not another one.." i'd like to ramble.
My life sucks, everybody hates me, they see me as the outcast, the weird one. I tried cutting in 2006, even self mutilation didnt make me feel better. I'm not thinking about suicide, but i did avbout a year ago. Had the razor to my wrist ready to cut as deep as possible, but i didnt, i didnt because of my family and friends. but i sometimes think about what its like to be dead. Bliss. Infinite sleep. like a short nap that lasts forever. Eternal. And peace.. Sweet Sweet peace.. I just dont want to socialise any more. I've pulled myself from gong out at all. people have stopped rnging me. even my friends say things behind my back. im avoiding them, they got that much right. my supposed best friend adam is sure to turn out gay, but atm he fancies my girlfriend, and in my mind im fighting a war against him, i feel like an ugly something that climbed out of the toilet, a mangled block of stone waiting to be carved, i feel imperfect. I strive for perfection, for people to like me, to be more than normal, to be perfect. but every time i go 1 step forward i fall 2 steps back. everywhere i look i see imperfection. Hair, imperfect, body, imperfect. face, imperfect. personality, imperfect. I fear many things, deep water, arson, being murdered while i sleep to name but a few. everywhere i see imperfection! its either people hate me because im weird or because im smarter than them. i want to sort out my life but i cant, i just cant. when i go to sleep i dream of a perfect life, all the people i hate shoved into the gutter, in my dreams im popular, good looking, althletic, perfect. everything i want to be all in one word. Perfection. sleep is the only place i can escape to. like a tunnel in the bottom of a cave that goes to sunlight, but when i reach the top im pushed back down again, always. I want Eternity. i want perfection.
My life sucks, everybody hates me, they see me as the outcast, the weird one. I tried cutting in 2006, even self mutilation didnt make me feel better. I'm not thinking about suicide, but i did avbout a year ago. Had the razor to my wrist ready to cut as deep as possible, but i didnt, i didnt because of my family and friends. but i sometimes think about what its like to be dead. Bliss. Infinite sleep. like a short nap that lasts forever. Eternal. And peace.. Sweet Sweet peace.. I just dont want to socialise any more. I've pulled myself from gong out at all. people have stopped rnging me. even my friends say things behind my back. im avoiding them, they got that much right. my supposed best friend adam is sure to turn out gay, but atm he fancies my girlfriend, and in my mind im fighting a war against him, i feel like an ugly something that climbed out of the toilet, a mangled block of stone waiting to be carved, i feel imperfect. I strive for perfection, for people to like me, to be more than normal, to be perfect. but every time i go 1 step forward i fall 2 steps back. everywhere i look i see imperfection. Hair, imperfect, body, imperfect. face, imperfect. personality, imperfect. I fear many things, deep water, arson, being murdered while i sleep to name but a few. everywhere i see imperfection! its either people hate me because im weird or because im smarter than them. i want to sort out my life but i cant, i just cant. when i go to sleep i dream of a perfect life, all the people i hate shoved into the gutter, in my dreams im popular, good looking, althletic, perfect. everything i want to be all in one word. Perfection. sleep is the only place i can escape to. like a tunnel in the bottom of a cave that goes to sunlight, but when i reach the top im pushed back down again, always. I want Eternity. i want perfection.