Oh my god.

[Mortal Coil]

I can't fucking do this. It's not even noon and already today is one of the worst days of my life.

4:15 - Dad woke me up. He and I were supposed to run a 10k today, but I couldn't do it for two reasons: I have a fever, and haven't slept properly in about three weeks.
4:45 - Wrote dad a note explaining this, went back to bed.
8-ish - Mother cussed me out for "bailing" on the race and "ignoring the commitment made to [my]self and [my] father."
10:30-ish - Went to my parents' room, asking if I could go downtown to study away from the house. This was honestly what I intended to do. I can't function when I'm in this house. My mother won't let me. She'll just waltz into my room while I'm studying or [-]sleeping[/-] trying to sleep. Besides, I'm too afraid of her to do anything in the house. Basically, if I want to get anything done I need to be out of the house.
Anyway, my mother said I can't go downtown to study, which means I'll have to fall even further behind in school, and ripped off my bracelet, which was covering up my cuts.

Now, she wants to do full body scans of me every morning and evening, ground me indefinitely, and probably throw me back in the nuthouse.
Being thrown in the nuthouse would be a blessing. Because if she does the body scans, then she'll see my tattoo. Which... I don't even want to think being killed would be the best outcome.
Even so, why does she have to lock me up in a loony bin? I mean, what kind of parent would she be if the were to [I]actually take responsibility for her kid?
Oh wait, a halfway-decent one. My bad.

I'm terrified. I want to grab three dozen pills and just end it before their rage hits me full force, before they see my tattoo and the scars on my thighs, before they throw me back into the fucking hospital.


Reader, I'm breaking down. I can barely breathe. I thought I was stronger than this...

[jegoss02]

Okay. The cutting is a problem dealt with later. Right now... Your mom seems to be overly protective of you. You describe her as being a complete nut case. I see the reasons why you would fear doing anything in the house and all and I fear she is smothering you just a bit. Now the full body search for cuts and whatnot is something people actually have to deal with on a daily basis if they are complete psychopaths. I don't see that or at least not in this one post. you are actually trying to do well in school which is the best thing you can do for your self. I want to know I you have tried explaining I your mother how difficult it is to study in the house. if she can change her behavior while you are studying. If she refuses, the worst thing you can do is argue. Just puts pressure on the whole situation. Now I'm not a therapist. So don't take my word for it. But I feel the best course if action here is a conversation with your mother that would be moderated or just a calm sit down. Idk how to get through to her. That would be in your part to know a I do not live with her. But it is really your only option at this point. Oh. And the tattoo thing might become an issue. Idk how to help out there.

[CyanideGoodnight]

Try to relax. Breath and relax. You have every single right to be upset. I know how overprotective parents can be. Please don't do anything stupid, we'd miss you if you left.

And you ARE strong. It doesn't matter how upset or mad or how unhinged you are, the strength you have is in your heart, and I know you can get through this.

I'm sorry I can't say or do anything more... I'm not really the best at this sorta thing

[Nathan Numberless]

Don't become terrified. Be calm; calm shall give you the answer.

[Mortal Coil]

Okay. The cutting is a problem dealt with later. Right now... Your mom seems to be overly protective of you. You describe her as being a complete nut case. I see the reasons why you would fear doing anything in the house and all and I fear she is smothering you just a bit. Now the full body search for cuts and whatnot is something people actually have to deal with on a daily basis if they are complete psychopaths. I don't see that or at least not in this one post. you are actually trying to do well in school which is the best thing you can do for your self. I want to know I you have tried explaining I your mother how difficult it is to study in the house. if she can change her behavior while you are studying. If she refuses, the worst thing you can do is argue. Just puts pressure on the whole situation. Now I'm not a therapist. So don't take my word for it. But I feel the best course if action here is a conversation with your mother that would be moderated or just a calm sit down. Idk how to get through to her. That would be in your part to know a I do not live with her. But it is really your only option at this point. Oh. And the tattoo thing might become an issue. Idk how to help out there.
Well... no way in hell will my mother change. I have tried explaining this all to her, but the thing is that she just writes it off as me "being immature and wanting to absolve [my]self of the blame by blaming [her]." She also happens to have been an abusive alcoholic for the past 11 years. It isn't like she'll suddenly be all "oh I'm sorry, I'll change." There is no way to get through to her. She's even more fucked up than I am.

And as neurotic as I am, as long as I have bounced around in the system of psychiatrists and mental hospitals, I am not a psychopath.

[nice]

You could just people layers of maker over the tattoo depending on where it is

[West Coast Sheriff]

Just calm and relax and talk to your mother and ur probably old enough to move out and not live under her rules any more. I'm so sorry and wish you the best of luck and just please remember to keep strong. Again so sorry

[jegoss02]

Well... no way in hell will my mother change. I have tried explaining this all to her, but the thing is that she just writes it off as me "being immature and wanting to absolve [my]self of the blame by blaming [her]." She also happens to have been an abusive alcoholic for the past 11 years. It isn't like she'll suddenly be all "oh I'm sorry, I'll change." There is no way to get through to her. She's even more fucked up than I am.

And as neurotic as I am, as long as I have bounced around in the system of psychiatrists and mental hospitals, I am not a psychopath.

Okay. So I wasn't meaning to imply that you are a psychopath. I only meant that there are people that are like that. Secondly, like I said before, I don't understand your relationship or any details beyond your original post. So. Now it is obvious to me that she views you as an irresponsible adolescent. She has set standards for you which are unreachable and, combined with alcoholism, unchangeable. So my question to you is: through your years of handling your mother's temper and personality, what have you done to prove to her that you are a capable and responsible young adult. But by no means am I blaming you for your mothers behavior. That is her fault.

[Breakeven]

alex try to breath, listen you are strong and you are gonna make through this
pm me if u need to talk :hug:

[TheGangstaSheep]

I'm deeply sorry for your situation. You seem like a nice enough person from some of the things I've seen you post. What's your relationship with your father like if you don't mind me asking? Maybe he could help you.