Princess Ariel
September 6th, 2012, 03:35 PM
I always say this, but it's true. I hate making new threads. Not only is it a waste of your time, it's a waste of the sites time.
I've been feeling very low lately and ever since the summer began it's been a down spiral heading to nothingness. School's started now, it was my second and a half day and I can already tell it's going to be a shit one. Pressured into asking the girl I like out even though I already know she has strong feelings for another person. Even though the other person rejected her twice. She, of course. Rejected me. What is this now? 5 people in a row?! Everyone says that love is just around the corner, but sure, i'll "love" someone but they won't feel the same way back. They never do.
I had class today with the girl who rejected me and not only did it hurt to see her, it hurt to see how happy she was. I actually did love her, I've "loved" her ever since I met her when she was helping me ask out another girl (rejection #3 with this girl) but the love just grew as I got to know her. I loved her so much it hurt. I've found that they all reject me because I don't "look" androgynous.
My depression was getting progressively better over the summer between the events that shall remain unknown (Alex and Matt please don't mention it)
but lately it's becoming harder. I almost burst into tears during drama pro last class. I have to drop it because I can't handle the stress, plus. i've got 4 arts courses. I wanted to cry because I wanted to do this so bad, everything they said. I wanted to be a part off. But, i'd fail at it since I myself as a person is a failure. My old drama teacher said she wanted me for the lead and I just.. I don't know.
I am switching it, peer tutoring a grade 10 media arts course. Now, that will add stress, but not as much as Drama pro is. My old drama teacher knows about all my shit with my ED and depression. My improv teacher will be told most likely tomorrow if I see him in the halls, I didn't have the guts to do it during class because the girl I asked out rejected me.
My ED is getting worse, instead of doing it everyday. I visualize it. I try to torture myself and watch life story's about people who are anorexic and/or bulimic. All my friends are distancing themselves away from me. I've only got one real friend now and well, she's going to leave. I can feel her slipping out of my fingers. Then i'll be back to square one.
No friends and getting bullied.
It wasn't until LAST year when I had a real friend. Unfortunately we are no longer friends, which sucks. But it's life.
I just don't feel safe at my school anymore, everywhere I go. Dirty looks or i'm getting bullied or rejected and i'm sick of it. It's followed me ever since my dad died.
My dad died on September 4th 2001, I was trying NOT to think about, but when someone like your own dad died at such a young age. It's hard to not think about and lately.. It's been all I can think about. It's been 10 long and hard years. I just miss him so much, even walking by the cemetery today to get Starbucks killed me, I was in hysterics and had to be carried back to school. He's all I can think about and I justt..
I can't say i'm happy with my life. because I'm not.
I've got toxic friends all around me and I simply can't find anything worth holding onto. My only option is to be alone for life. Dead or alive. I thought I was alone, but since I have to get rid of the majority of my so called friends I guess i'll know the true feeling of being alone.
I can already see that i'm setting myself up for failure.
If you're still with me (even though I'm not sure why)
I'm sorry I wasted your time.
I've been feeling very low lately and ever since the summer began it's been a down spiral heading to nothingness. School's started now, it was my second and a half day and I can already tell it's going to be a shit one. Pressured into asking the girl I like out even though I already know she has strong feelings for another person. Even though the other person rejected her twice. She, of course. Rejected me. What is this now? 5 people in a row?! Everyone says that love is just around the corner, but sure, i'll "love" someone but they won't feel the same way back. They never do.
I had class today with the girl who rejected me and not only did it hurt to see her, it hurt to see how happy she was. I actually did love her, I've "loved" her ever since I met her when she was helping me ask out another girl (rejection #3 with this girl) but the love just grew as I got to know her. I loved her so much it hurt. I've found that they all reject me because I don't "look" androgynous.
My depression was getting progressively better over the summer between the events that shall remain unknown (Alex and Matt please don't mention it)
but lately it's becoming harder. I almost burst into tears during drama pro last class. I have to drop it because I can't handle the stress, plus. i've got 4 arts courses. I wanted to cry because I wanted to do this so bad, everything they said. I wanted to be a part off. But, i'd fail at it since I myself as a person is a failure. My old drama teacher said she wanted me for the lead and I just.. I don't know.
I am switching it, peer tutoring a grade 10 media arts course. Now, that will add stress, but not as much as Drama pro is. My old drama teacher knows about all my shit with my ED and depression. My improv teacher will be told most likely tomorrow if I see him in the halls, I didn't have the guts to do it during class because the girl I asked out rejected me.
My ED is getting worse, instead of doing it everyday. I visualize it. I try to torture myself and watch life story's about people who are anorexic and/or bulimic. All my friends are distancing themselves away from me. I've only got one real friend now and well, she's going to leave. I can feel her slipping out of my fingers. Then i'll be back to square one.
No friends and getting bullied.
It wasn't until LAST year when I had a real friend. Unfortunately we are no longer friends, which sucks. But it's life.
I just don't feel safe at my school anymore, everywhere I go. Dirty looks or i'm getting bullied or rejected and i'm sick of it. It's followed me ever since my dad died.
My dad died on September 4th 2001, I was trying NOT to think about, but when someone like your own dad died at such a young age. It's hard to not think about and lately.. It's been all I can think about. It's been 10 long and hard years. I just miss him so much, even walking by the cemetery today to get Starbucks killed me, I was in hysterics and had to be carried back to school. He's all I can think about and I justt..
I can't say i'm happy with my life. because I'm not.
I've got toxic friends all around me and I simply can't find anything worth holding onto. My only option is to be alone for life. Dead or alive. I thought I was alone, but since I have to get rid of the majority of my so called friends I guess i'll know the true feeling of being alone.
I can already see that i'm setting myself up for failure.
If you're still with me (even though I'm not sure why)
I'm sorry I wasted your time.