Aceso
September 4th, 2012, 05:20 PM
I'm tired of pretending things are okay, even though they're not. I can't even tell my counsellor anymore.
Everyone hates me, I knew they did. I heard them talking about me again, there's no denying it now. I don't have anyone to go to again and I don't understand why I can't just deal with things normally or be a fucking normal human being. The people who I could turn to, who I actually thought cared, don't and they can't even be bothered to talk to me when I've almost flat out told them I'm suicidal. I'm so pathetic. I can't even enjoy myself anymore, there's always something. I went to this party the other night, and ended up spending the evening cutting and relapsing purging. I've never felt so fucking ugly.
And tomorrow, god. Tomorrow is when my parents sell my horse. I know it doen't sound like much but that was all I had that linked me to any happiness in the past and the companionship was all that kept me going most of the time. I've written the note and I've got the blades, the pills, everything I need. I've been trying for hours, days, fucking weeks months and years trying to make this better. And I'm just about ready to do this. I don't know when, but I know I'm going to at some point and tonight seems just as good as any. I've tried to get help, I've told my parents, friends, counsellor. It never ends.
I hate myself too much to fight it anymore. I have nothing. I'm not clever, funny, I can't even look after myself anymore. I can't control my diabetes or purging or cutting, I can't tell anyone, I can't be beautiful or skinny, or even make it to fucking school. I just can't see myself living anymore. I don't know who I am.
Every single moment, of every single day, I either feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world, or destroying or hating myself, or lying awake trying to hold everything together for the people around me, just to wake up exhausted through another morning.
I just don't want to live anymore. I have nothing left here. I knew that nobody cared about me. I want to die.
Everyone hates me, I knew they did. I heard them talking about me again, there's no denying it now. I don't have anyone to go to again and I don't understand why I can't just deal with things normally or be a fucking normal human being. The people who I could turn to, who I actually thought cared, don't and they can't even be bothered to talk to me when I've almost flat out told them I'm suicidal. I'm so pathetic. I can't even enjoy myself anymore, there's always something. I went to this party the other night, and ended up spending the evening cutting and relapsing purging. I've never felt so fucking ugly.
And tomorrow, god. Tomorrow is when my parents sell my horse. I know it doen't sound like much but that was all I had that linked me to any happiness in the past and the companionship was all that kept me going most of the time. I've written the note and I've got the blades, the pills, everything I need. I've been trying for hours, days, fucking weeks months and years trying to make this better. And I'm just about ready to do this. I don't know when, but I know I'm going to at some point and tonight seems just as good as any. I've tried to get help, I've told my parents, friends, counsellor. It never ends.
I hate myself too much to fight it anymore. I have nothing. I'm not clever, funny, I can't even look after myself anymore. I can't control my diabetes or purging or cutting, I can't tell anyone, I can't be beautiful or skinny, or even make it to fucking school. I just can't see myself living anymore. I don't know who I am.
Every single moment, of every single day, I either feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world, or destroying or hating myself, or lying awake trying to hold everything together for the people around me, just to wake up exhausted through another morning.
I just don't want to live anymore. I have nothing left here. I knew that nobody cared about me. I want to die.