Homophobic Friend

[Midland]

I never really considered coming out to anyone apart from close friends and family. Thinking about it now it seems like it would a good thing to do sometime soon. However, I have a friend who is extremely religious (I realise that there are some religious people that accept people in the LGBT community) and completely homophobic. Normally when something like this appears somewhere within these forums, the general consensus is that the if the person can't accept you, they don't deserve to be your friend. However I feel that that isn't a viable option in my current situation. I love my friend but simply as a friend (I would never consider extending our relationship even if he wasn't blatantly homophobic), we do pretty much everything together, I go to him for advice / help and vice versa, we have long discussions about various things and for lack of a better word, clicked when we met. I can't help but smile when I see him.

But I don't want to hide who I am and if someone questioned me regarding my sexuality, I would try to tell the truth regardless of the situation. I'm assuming that he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me if I came out or was outed.

Any tips / suggestions as to how I could overcome this issue would be greatly appreciated. Also have you been in a similar situation? Thanks

[nice]

He might accept you even if he is religious since you guys are so close

[Thepolice5291]

Talk to him, Maybe he might help you, Tell Him Everything, A Friend of mine didn't tell me and it hurt especially since he liked a friend of mine. I did something I regret and am looked upon as having balls (TF Most people knew it was a joke). anyway Him and I Now fight. But In The end Im Loving life, Sorry i got carried away. Talk to him, I am Christian Myself and Let him know God says Love Everybody, He hates the sin not the person

[Midland]

Thanks for your advice Rod and Luke. I have talked to him about his homophobia on multiple occasions (without mentioning the fact that I'm gay) and ended up in tense discussion for at least 45 minutes each time, however I can't seem to convince him that it's not a choice. Also a single mention of the word "gay" or anything of similar nature makes him extremely uncomfortable to the point where he often cringes and looks repulsed. Do you still think I should tell him everything or do you think that there is a better approach?

[TigerBoy]

Having someone you care for (love, even if not 'in love') constantly saying things that hurt you is not healthy for you. Its going to knock your self esteem, hurt the safe place you have with your bud. I don't think its going to go well for you guys if you just ignore this.

You could try educating him about his homophobia without coming out : explain to him his negative comments and attitudes seem hateful. Your country is damn close to getting Gay Marriage after all, so he should realise that his views are not agreed with by large numbers of the rest of your society (including other 'religious' people!).

I'm not sure coming out to him right away is going to help you, but you may have to for your own peace of mind and human dignity : it just depends how homophobic he is. If he's really driven and is using the christian bible to beat you with, I can give you plenty of counter arguments but that can take time to change (or open) their minds.

This is why I have real problems with organised religion, because there are a lot of haters who use religion to do and say hateful things. If you judge such people by there actions you'll see what I mean : are their actions loving, or are they hateful? You don't have to be religious to be a good person, and religious people are certainly not always good people.

[Thepolice5291]

How old is he?, I Also have a friend who doesn't like gay people, Bring up how god doesn't hate homosexual people But he hates the Idea Of it, He thinks the gay person is good
HE being god

[TigerBoy]

How old is he?, I Also have a friend who doesn't like gay people, personally i dont like the idea But if you dont hurt me then i wont hurt you, Bring up how god doesn't hate homosexual people But he hates the Idea Of it, He thinks the gay person is good

Good point, but even saying God hates gay sex is debatable. The trouble is whether he's going to even listen and be rational.

It is not a choice. The professional bodies of psychology for both the UK and USA say so. You could research if your own country has a statement on this.

If he thinks his religion says homosexuality is wrong 'end of', then he's very mistaken. The Christian Bible is so full of contradictions and instructions / examples that are just plain wierd to us today (virgins should marry their rapist, polygamy, don't eat shellfish ...) that preachers have to say 'oh, that bits ignored, that bits been superceded' . This is why there are hundreds of different versions of the bible, and thousands of different sects and denominations : Christians can't agree on one single set of rules or interpretations.

It is very possible to discredit the bits referring to homosexuality, but a lot of preachers don't WANT to do that, and a lot of religious people don't want to hear it. THAT is the problem.


I'm sorry to tell you it may turn out that your friend is not smart enough or loving enough to open his heart and mind and disagree with the hate he's already been taught.

[danny7]

and that's why im atheist, I dont have to believe that bullshit. Me and my best friends are both atheist,im gay and shes pansexual,and we like to taunt those religious and homophobic assholes in my school..

He's homophobic, if its like the guy that i taunted, he is going to think you are an alien with germs lol

[nice]

Just explain it to him saying hating on gays or lesbians is like being racist and how would he feel if someone was racist and treated him bad because of something he has no power to control

[OregonStateDude]

Wow, this is a tough one. But if it were me, I would not tell him anything. The risk that he will totally reject you is too great.

Yeah it sucks having to pretend you are straight. But good friends are hard to come by, so sometimes we have to chicken out and make the sacrifice.

[Midland]

and that's why im atheist, I dont have to believe that bullshit. Me and my best friends are both atheist,im gay and shes pansexual,and we like to taunt those religious and homophobic assholes in my school..

He's homophobic, if its like the guy that i taunted, he is going to think you are an alien with germs lol

Thanks for offering advice but I have to say that taunting people for their religion is just as bad as someone rejecting another person because of their sexuality. You have to remember that there are religious people in society that are fully supportive of the LGBT community. Also religious people aren't assholes, people that have a problem accepting other people, something defined in any religion as being of upmost importance, frankly can act like assholes. In my opinion, not agreeing with the LGBT community doesn't make someone a bad person, acting on it does (ie. purposely voicing it and taking actions which are hurtful to other people). While various religions need to accept the LGBT community, taunting people based solely on their religion and not their actions seems very immature, unnecessary and hurtful to those who may not have done anything wrong. As the age old saying goes "be the change you want to see", in other words if you want to change the hate that can occur between religious people and LGBT communities, you must first stop voicing your reciprocal hate for them.

In the end you will continue to do what you feel is right like any other person. This is my opinion on the matter, you don't have to agree with it but I would consider what I have said before dismissing it. If anyone disagrees with me I would appreciate hearing your view on the matter.

Wow, this is a tough one. But if it were me, I would not tell him anything. The risk that he will totally reject you is too great.

Yeah it sucks having to pretend you are straight. But good friends are hard to come by, so sometimes we have to chicken out and make the sacrifice.

Thanks Pete. I think I'm going to follow your advice. And I don't really have to act that straight around him due the fact that he probably wouldn't pick up on the fact that I'm gay except maybe if I point out and talk about hot guys although it would be an issue if someone else realised and the word spread. Also I don't think I'd make a very convincing straight guy even if I tried.

[Short Circuit]

Well I would not tell him if you want to keep your friendship, but isnt being a christian meant to mean you are tollerant of all people? I am not religeous, but didnt Judas betray Jesus with a kiss? Isnt kissing another man a gay act? Doesnt the bible say your not allowed to work on the sabbeth? The bible was not written by god, it was written by man, and it was what that man thought god would want, to be a good person. It is not an instruction manual on how to live your life.

[All The Small Things]

and that's why im atheist, I dont have to believe that bullshit. Me and my best friends are both atheist,im gay and shes pansexual,and we like to taunt those religious and homophobic assholes in my school..

He's homophobic, if its like the guy that i taunted, he is going to think you are an alien with germs lol well danny i think gays or lesbians arent dont choose the way they r born or maby become sometimes gay or lesbians now I dont like Trans cuz that just way 2 far and yes do I like lesbians kissing each other over guys hell yes and I belevien in jesus ( who I think iz god)

[jaycee.broham]

Tell em, it doesnt matter if he's religious,

[Drew5]

Well I would not tell him if you want to keep your friendship, but isnt being a christian meant to mean you are tollerant of all people? I am not religeous, but didnt Judas betray Jesus with a kiss? Isnt kissing another man a gay act? Doesnt the bible say your not allowed to work on the sabbeth? The bible was not written by god, it was written by man, and it was what that man thought god would want, to be a good person. It is not an instruction manual on how to live your life.

The bible most certainly could be used as a manual on how to live your life, particularly the new testament. The problem is most people don't know how to read the bible or even know what it is, yet quote it, misquote it. Pull things out from 4000 years ago and compare it to stuff written 2000 years later.

It's not a book! It's a bunch of books, more than 60.
There are many different authors.
Oddly, thankfully, Jesus wasn't a fan of religion and it's one of the few things he that annoyed him or made him angry.

People, from all different faiths or lack of faith think religion and the bible say the same thing. They actually say the opposite. Effectively you have Jesus versus religion, so I gotta go with Jesus.

Nonbelievers, you're exactly like the people Jesus liked and for the religious, you're very similar to the people that didn't like Jesus. Gotta love it.

So you friend who is homophobic for religious reasons just doesn't know what Christ himself thinks about it, so he's quoting what his church or parents think it says and they're wrong. He's wrong. Maybe point him towards the truth. Should solve it all for him.

[Extreme586]

Well he might actually make an exception, it is you we are talking about here. If you feel like he is your closest friend and you guys clicked when you met, then he probably feels the same way. Before you break it too him, try poking and prodding at the subject to see if you can make him come around to your views. I know plenty of straight guys at my school who go as far as re-sharing things on Facebook that are really supportive of gays. Things that more or less are against any hate of gays.

I'm actually surprised by this but, when I was just typing that I realized how accepting my school really is of being gay. I wonder why I'm so insecure :what: Oh well, that's something for another time, in another forum! :)

Best of Luck whatever you decide to do!

[The Mockingjay]

If you're so close he should accept you but if he doesn't, you've got to be strong enough to be prepared to lose him. If he can't like you for who you are he really doesn't deserve to be your friend period. But hopefully it won't come to that as you're so close. Good luck! :)