Thinking about giving up recovery...

[unsaidwords]

Ok, so I burn myself as a way to hurt myself (not only, also use other forms of SH), and Friday I was at the beach with my friend, her brother and her friend. She had burned herself by accident while baking some cupcakes and it looked like she was still a bit in pain. So I asked her "is it hurting a lot?", because as a friend I'm concern! She just looked at me and said in a serious tone and in a way that EVERYONE around as could hear "yes, but at least I didn't do it on purpose".
I shouted "shut up", looking at her brother and her friend so that she understood why I was upset. Nobody else knew expect my friend, I didn't need anybody else knowing it.
"Oh relax, they don't even know what we are talking about" she told me, rolling her eyes.
Excuse me?! Pointing at my burns in front of them and asking me when I did them, and then complaining that I needed to "stop doing this to myself"???! I can't say a THING, but the moment I give some clue about what she goes through - even if I don't mean to - I get a mouthful, are you kidding me?

Little does she know that her comment made me relapse again. Not only one day - but two days in a row. And now I can't keep the thought of giving up my recovery out of my head... I think I might be even triggering myself with certain musics and movies. I was going okay and then I relapsed. If I hadn't relapse she wouldn't have found out, wouldn't have said that and I wouldn't have relapsed two more times. I feel like such a failure... I feel like I should just give up and break my paper chain (for the paper chain project) and go on hurting me as I want without worrying about recovering or counting the days I'm clean. I'm tired. I'm tired of always relapsing... Besides school starts in two weeks... It's my senior year... So much pressure... I know i'm going to relapse a lot.

The things is... i'm divided. You see, half of me was prouds of how many days clean I was (even though they never went past 6). The other half is the problem, constantly tempting me to SH. But right now I think my "let's stop recovery" half is winning :(

(sorry if it is a mess, it's just that my head has been a battlefield these days... needed a place to vent, since I'm trying to not tell a thing to my friend - i'm tired of hearing the usual "you need to stop, you're beautiful unlike me"... it doesn't help me at all right now)

[nice]

I think your friend didn't know that you would react this way. You should talk to her and explain that you relapsed and you don't like it when she makes comments like that.

[Mortal Coil]

Don't you dare give up recovery, Diana. It is possible and your life will be so much better when you get the monster of SH out of it. Stay strong, and please, please try to pick yourself up again :hug:

[unsaidwords]

I think your friend didn't know that you would react this way. You should talk to her and explain that you relapsed and you don't like it when she makes comments like that.
Once she told me that she said things like that (like "you're silly for hurting yourself") so I could "wake up and realize" I'm doing wrong. I can't tell her I relapse because I don't want her to worry/get mad, since she has her own issues... Don't want to be a burden, you see

Don't you dare give up recovery, Diana. It is possible and your life will be so much better when you get the monster of SH out of it. Stay strong, and please, please try to pick yourself up again :hug:

Thank you but I'm tired of trying... Relapsed 3 days in a row, I am full of little burns in my ankles, wrists and knees just from these last 5 days and I don't even have enough strengh to cover them up, it's stupid. I'm so weak and tired. I don't think I can pick myself up anytime soon... I wished, since I was starting to believe I might actually get better. But now everything seems so dark. I guess i'll try one more time... But when school starts, I know I won't be able to hold everything together and I'll break down - as usual. I'm really tired of this.