Concerned for my Mental Health

[PerpetualImperfexion]

Ok here we go.

I personally feel like life is very short. Because of that I feel like every little thing I do could be "wrong" or "a waste of that time". I'm not sure if that classifies as paranoia, but it is really stressful. I feel like I'm under constant pressure to do the right thing, without knowing whether something is right or wrong. It's not so bad if I don't think about it, but typing this is driving me nuts.

I'm obsessed with lines or shapes I draw being exact. If I draw a line on a poster for a school project, if it even looks like it's off by a little bit, I feel like I'm obligated to redraw it. I do a lot of geometric art, with the compass and the rules and all that good stuff, and it's the same way with that. When I do that kind of art though I feel very relaxed, even when I'm doing the more complex layering. Every time I use kitchen ware (cups, bowls, spoons, etc.) I feel the need to run them under the faucet before using them, despite the fact they have been through the washing machine. Every time I poured something into a cup I would look in the cup and insist that there were little black dots in the liquid, but my mom would always say that it was fine. I don't get that so much anymore, but I just tell myself that if there is something in there it likely isn't harmful.

I feel awkward in certain social situations. I don't have any serious problems at school. I have a few friends that are at my maturity level. Everyone else kind of leaves me alone. I'm not bullied, and I'd be capable of having a friendly conversation with anyone in my grade. I just wouldn't feel comfortable walking up to a group of "mutual acquaintances" and contributing to the conversation.

My dad was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, he takes his meds so it's not even noticeable. My concern is that it might have been passed on to me. Nothing really comes to mind where I've gone from being really nice to a total asshole, but there are certain things that don't add up. I was at a wedding reception a year ago. Everything was cool, I was having fun. But I remember seeing a photographer talking to a family friend and that family friend pointed at me. There were a couple times that night when that particular family friend or his wife would ask if I was ok. I don't remember saying or doing anything that would make them act like this. I was sitting down, watching other people dance. Then the photographer comes over and starts talking to me like I'm a cave person or something. She asks if she can sit down in the chair directly next to me, in a condescending manner almost with a tone like she was afraid I was going to hurt her. I said that was fine and the rest of the night was pretty normal. The other day a girl in my class noticed I had left my flash drive in the school computer and an english paper up on the screen. I was in the english class reading, she was in the computer lab, where I had forgotten my flash drive. She noticed a few mistakes in my paper so she fixed them and printed off the paper (I had already turned in another copy, but the teacher hadn't seen it yet). She came into the room and handed me the paper. I realized I had left my flash drive in the computer so I rushed to get it. She was following at a slightly slower pace when she, unprovoked, said "Don't be mad." I didn't realize the weight of those words until a few minutes ago. Are there gaps in my memory where I've done things that would cause people to act this way around me? I can't remember anything like that. If I had a known mental issue wouldn't my parents have told me? Is this just me being paranoid?

[SmexiLexie510]

I feel like I'm under constant pressure to do the right thing, without knowing whether something is right or wrong. It's not so bad if I don't think about it, but typing this is driving me nuts.

Paranoia is usually classed as being unnecessarily worried or anxious about something such as people watching you, people finding something out, etc. Everyone second guesses themselves and the things we do once in a while, but if it is constant and getting you down, this could be due to low self esteem and confidence. Try focusing on the things you know you have done right/well and then building up confidence and reassurance when faced with new situations/decisions.


I'm obsessed with lines or shapes I draw being exact. If I draw a line on a poster for a school project, if it even looks like it's off by a little bit, I feel like I'm obligated to redraw it. I do a lot of geometric art, with the compass and the rules and all that good stuff, and it's the same way with that. When I do that kind of art though I feel very relaxed, even when I'm doing the more complex layering. Every time I use kitchen ware (cups, bowls, spoons, etc.) I feel the need to run them under the faucet before using them, despite the fact they have been through the washing machine. Every time I poured something into a cup I would look in the cup and insist that there were little black dots in the liquid, but my mom would always say that it was fine. I don't get that so much anymore, but I just tell myself that if there is something in there it likely isn't harmful

This sounds like OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder, with having to get everything right and exactly the way you want it, feeling that is it compulsory for you to do these things and carry out this perfectionism, otherwise it doesn't feel right, etc. Maybe this is something to talk to your parents about. It can be very common for, you inquired about paranoia, people who suffer from OCD to feel under constant pressure to do something 'right' and worry about not doing things exactly the way they should.

I feel awkward in certain social situations. I don't have any serious problems at school. I have a few friends that are at my maturity level. Everyone else kind of leaves me alone. I'm not bullied, and I'd be capable of having a friendly conversation with anyone in my grade. I just wouldn't feel comfortable walking up to a group of "mutual acquaintances" and contributing to the conversation.

Again I feel this could be down to low self esteem and lack of confidence. There are various things you can do to help promote self confidence etc, like I said before, reminding yourself of things you've done right, assets and also what you can give to the conversation, don't belittle yourself and think 'i don't have anything interesting to include in the conversation' because it is most likely that you do and that others would be interested to hear it.

My dad was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, he takes his meds so it's not even noticeable. My concern is that it might have been passed on to me. Nothing really comes to mind where I've gone from being really nice to a total asshole, but there are certain things that don't add up.

Bipolar Disorder is a very serious mental illness that there is no cure for. Yes it is hereditary, but if you haven't noticed any of the symptoms such as violent mood swings etc, then I wouldn't be too worried about it. I think you would know for sure if that was the case, because Bipolar Disorder is very noticeable due to it's symptoms and effects daily life.

I was at a wedding reception a year ago. Everything was cool, I was having fun. But I remember seeing a photographer talking to a family friend and that family friend pointed at me. There were a couple times that night when that particular family friend or his wife would ask if I was ok. I don't remember saying or doing anything that would make them act like this. I was sitting down, watching other people dance. Then the photographer comes over and starts talking to me like I'm a cave person or something. She asks if she can sit down in the chair directly next to me, in a condescending manner almost with a tone like she was afraid I was going to hurt her. I said that was fine and the rest of the night was pretty normal.

Well if it was a photographer, not someone you knew, family or friend etc, then maybe that was just the way she was, her personality etc. Maybe she is generally very 'condescending' to younger people, or maybe she didn't realise she was doing it or mean to at all.

In regards to the family friend that pointed you out to the photographer, I don't really see anything suspicious about that at all, maybe he was just telling her who you were? Also the fact that you seem to mention sitting on the sidelines and watching other people a lot, if you weren't getting very involved then maybe they thought to ask you if you were okay, considering you were sitting on the sidelines a bit?

The other day a girl in my class noticed I had left my flash drive in the school computer and an english paper up on the screen. I was in the english class reading, she was in the computer lab, where I had forgotten my flash drive. She noticed a few mistakes in my paper so she fixed them and printed off the paper (I had already turned in another copy, but the teacher hadn't seen it yet). She came into the room and handed me the paper. I realized I had left my flash drive in the computer so I rushed to get it. She was following at a slightly slower pace when she, unprovoked, said "Don't be mad." I didn't realize the weight of those words until a few minutes ago.

Do you really think there was weight to those words at all? It doesn't seem weird for someone to say something like that if they've edited a private document that was none of their business without permission. Do you think she was just being polite?

Are there gaps in my memory where I've done things that would cause people to act this way around me? I can't remember anything like that. If I had a known mental issue wouldn't my parents have told me? Is this just me being paranoid?

I highly doubt that there are gaps in your memory. Different people read into things in different ways. It all depends on the individual and the circumstance. Maybe those people were just acting normally but you took it to mean something else? And vice versa? I really don't think you have a mental illness but I think it would be a very good idea to talk to your parents or a trusted adult about the OCD type behaviors and also about your other concerns if there has been more than just the two incidents stated above. Whatever you feel most comfortable with, but don't let it weigh you down, talk to someone if that's what you feel you need to do. I wouldn't worry about Bipolar Disorder though. I wish you the best of luck and I am here if you need to talk to anyone :)

[PerpetualImperfexion]

Thanks for the reply Lexie :).

As for the english paper. I honestly do think she was being polite. The teacher had us exchange papers with another student and proof read them before we started typing. My guess is that I was typing too fast and didn't bother to check what I had typed. The paper wasn't about anything private or controversial so I don't think she was trying to be snoopy. Either way you're probably right.

In terms of sitting on the sidelines, there weren't any kids there my age so there wasn't much to do anyway. On the other hand I get along better with people older than me, but other people don't that, they wouldn't have expected me to be up talking to the adults.

It seems like every time I meet the family friend he acts this way though. The last I saw him though he asked how I was doing and I was going to say good, but stuttered and some how dood came out. I don't stutter a lot, but when I do just correct myself and act like nothing happened.

Last year I remember having a project in social studies. I was explaining something to the teacher and at one point she looked at me funny for a split second. At the end she said ok and walked away. The group I was in swore I said "shit" in front of her, but I don't remember saying it OR anything that sounded like it. Meh.

I'll talk to my youth leader at my school. If you're wondering, I go to a christian school and he's kind of the one that organizes all the lock-ins and other activities. He's cool, very understanding. Again Thanks :).