Syvelocin
August 22nd, 2012, 07:43 PM
I haven't seen a professional for two weeks now and my therapist doesn't come back until two weeks from now or so... so I've had a horrid lack of therapy recently. Even if I could say this stuff to my therapist, I'm physically unable to. Sorry in advance.
I just... don't know what it is any more. I just feel so lost. It isn't like self-harm and eating disorders and manic depression. People know what that's like, the whys and the hows. I can talk to so many people, make one google search, and the answer is right there: It's all normal. But this? I feel like I'm at a loss because I don't know when the normal ends and the sickness begins. What parts are sickness and what parts are expected side-effects? I want to say they're all side-effects, but I just... don't know.
I went through a very blatant asexuality phase. It isn't like I get to have sex a lot anyway, it's rather irresponsible in my case. I have to really either hate the person or not care for their well-being I guess. But it all just disgusted me. Sex used to scare the shit out of me. But years and years of the abuse later... I started getting numb. Just ever so numb to it all. Like I wasn't even there carnally. And I started to like it. Whether that was me trying to cope or the truth, that's what I thought at least. And I hate myself for it. But I can't deny it.
And... ugh, I really don't want to type this. But I don't see the point in posting if I don't say anything. I "spoke" to another member who went through similar things and they were scared of growing up become their abuser. And I always wondered how going through that pain could still lead you to follow that example. But I think I understand it now, and that petrifies me. You know I would never. It's almost... attractive. But being dominated at least, that... excites me. Pain and fear and tears and humiliation. It goes hand-in-hand with pleasure. People tell me I'm not a masochist but I have a hard time believing them.
I also hope that my consistent infidelity is tied to abuse. I really don't need more issues. Part of me loves having issues, then other times I feel so... overwhelmed by what goes on in my head. It fills and fills and fills. Until I just feel so lost. And I can't fully empty it, not ever. I promise myself I'll tell. And then I start chitchatting instead of draining my head. But I feel especially crazy right now. Because I haven't even done that therapy chit-chat for what feels like an eternity. And even if I wanted to discuss this tomorrow, I have a doctor substituting for my substitute therapist. I'm seeing a woman named Kim at an eating disorder clinic and she's had surgery. I see Melissa who runs one of my ED groups when Kim is out and Melissa is on vacation this week. So I get a woman who's practically a stranger and I can't even talk about half my shit. At least Kim knows about my alternate personalities. Sigh.
I just... don't know what it is any more. I just feel so lost. It isn't like self-harm and eating disorders and manic depression. People know what that's like, the whys and the hows. I can talk to so many people, make one google search, and the answer is right there: It's all normal. But this? I feel like I'm at a loss because I don't know when the normal ends and the sickness begins. What parts are sickness and what parts are expected side-effects? I want to say they're all side-effects, but I just... don't know.
I went through a very blatant asexuality phase. It isn't like I get to have sex a lot anyway, it's rather irresponsible in my case. I have to really either hate the person or not care for their well-being I guess. But it all just disgusted me. Sex used to scare the shit out of me. But years and years of the abuse later... I started getting numb. Just ever so numb to it all. Like I wasn't even there carnally. And I started to like it. Whether that was me trying to cope or the truth, that's what I thought at least. And I hate myself for it. But I can't deny it.
And... ugh, I really don't want to type this. But I don't see the point in posting if I don't say anything. I "spoke" to another member who went through similar things and they were scared of growing up become their abuser. And I always wondered how going through that pain could still lead you to follow that example. But I think I understand it now, and that petrifies me. You know I would never. It's almost... attractive. But being dominated at least, that... excites me. Pain and fear and tears and humiliation. It goes hand-in-hand with pleasure. People tell me I'm not a masochist but I have a hard time believing them.
I also hope that my consistent infidelity is tied to abuse. I really don't need more issues. Part of me loves having issues, then other times I feel so... overwhelmed by what goes on in my head. It fills and fills and fills. Until I just feel so lost. And I can't fully empty it, not ever. I promise myself I'll tell. And then I start chitchatting instead of draining my head. But I feel especially crazy right now. Because I haven't even done that therapy chit-chat for what feels like an eternity. And even if I wanted to discuss this tomorrow, I have a doctor substituting for my substitute therapist. I'm seeing a woman named Kim at an eating disorder clinic and she's had surgery. I see Melissa who runs one of my ED groups when Kim is out and Melissa is on vacation this week. So I get a woman who's practically a stranger and I can't even talk about half my shit. At least Kim knows about my alternate personalities. Sigh.