Huge fuck up.

[AppealToReason]

I went to the movies with a friend the other day and saw this dude who my cousin introduced me to a few months back if I ever needed to buy shit. And this dude looks so much like the man that hurt me before. Seriously, it's fucking scary how much they look alike. The eyes, the mouth, almost the same height. He must have remembered me because he started talking to me after my friend left. Talked and talked and he offered me to go back home with him. I knew he was gay, so some fucked up part of my mind was hoping something would happen because I've never gotten over the first guy. Right there, in the back of his car. Sold my self for a fucking high. Afterwards, I just walked around the city. All night. Hoped someone would give me a ride, or my grandparents would notice me gone, but I slept on some park bench. Got home for dinner completely drunk and high, and no one noticed shit. Haven't stopped popping, purging, and cutting since it happened.
How do you even start moving past this? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I feel broken and alone as hell right now. I don't know how to move past it especially because some fucked up part of me really misses the first man no matter what he did to me. Sounds wrong as hell, but it's true.
I don't know how to stop this shit before school starts. I can't even look at myself in a mirrior. FUCK. I fucked up soooo badly.

[lou lou]

well just force your self to look in the mirror and every time you see your self say" I AM GOING TO CHANGE!!" and keep working on changing no matter what happens don't stop

[AppealToReason]

I really, really believe that I can't look in the mirror anymore. I don't even know who the hell I'm looking at. I really feel lost and I don't know how to come back this time. The other times, sure, but not this time. I seriously fucked up.

[Strawberrie]

I've been in very similar situations to the one you described and I understand exactly how you feel. As hard as I know it is, you have to work on forgiving yourself. Say it in your head, 'I understand. I made a mistake. I'm having a hard time, but I understand what I did wrong and I forgive me for it.' Keep saying it until you can look at yourself and say it. You need to rationalize it and forgive yourself. This mistake is only wasted if you don't learn from it. Being mad at yourself today won't fix yesterday. Take a long hot shower, contemplate where you want to be in life and forget about all the bad stuff for a minute. Know that tomorrow is a new day, and you can start fresh. There are no mistakes tomorrow since every day is a new day. Mistakes don't carry over from day to day like that. You get a fresh slate everyday, so make the most of the next day. You are lost, and you don't forgive yourself, but I know the real you is inside. And I forgive you, so you should forgive yourself too!

[AppealToReason]

I actually did feel nice today, but it didn't last too long.
I believe I can eventually get over this, but not any time soon.

[defqonner]

I found an amazing qoute story i think you should read.. it really inspired me. (i have not been in your situation but take a look)

The Tomorrow Man theory

It’s pretty basic. Today, right here, you are who you are. Tomorrow, you will be who you will be. Each and every night, we lie down to die, and each morning we arise, reborn.

Now, those who are in good spirits, with strong mental health, they look out for their Tomorrow Man. They eat right today, they drink right today, they go to sleep early today- all so that Tomorrow Man, when he awakes in his bed reborn as Today Man, thanks Yesterday Man. He looks upon him fondly as a child might a good parent. He knows that someone -himself- was looking out for him. He feels cared for, and respected. Loved, in a word. And now he has a legacy to pass on to his subsequent selves...

But those who are in a bad way, with poor mental health, they constantly leave these messes for Tomorrow Man to clean up. They eat whatever the hell they want, drink like the night will never end, and then fall asleep to forget. They don’t respect Tomorrow Man because they don’t think through the fact that Tomorrow Man will be them. So then they wake up, new Today Man, groaning at the disrespect Yesterday Man showed them. Wondering why does that guy -myself- keep punishing me? But they never learn and instead come to settle for that behavior, eventually learning to ask and expect nothing of themselves.

They pass along these same bad habits tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, and it becomes psychologically genetic, like a curse. The thing is, where you fall on this spectrum? You don't want to be the Today Man who's constantly trying to fix today what Yesterday Man did to you.

You make up your bed, you clean those dirty dishes from the night before, and pledge not to start drinking until six, thinking that’s the way to keep an even keel. But in reality you’re always playing catch-up. The thing is that you can’t fix the mistakes of Yesterday. Yesterday Man is dead, he’s gone forever, and blame and atonement aren’t worth a damn.

What you can do is help yourself today. Eat a vegetable. Read a book. Cut that hair of yours. Leave Tomorrow Man something more than a headache and a jam-packed colon. Do for Tomorrow Man what you would have wanted Yesterday Man to do for you.

[AppealToReason]

That is actually quite beautiful. I wish it was that easy for me to look at life like that, but that is really, really awesome so thanks for posting that.

[defqonner]

hahahha anytime :)
i knew it would help.. even if it was by a tiny bit.
I hope your life gets slowly better and better.

[Gazmo]

you havent fucked up. yeah maybe you made a few bad desisions, but everyone does at some point. you cant change the past but you can change the future, so just be strong