I may need help

[Boldor]

Hello, people. I'm Mallory, and I just signed up to this place. Hello. I'll give as much background information as I can.

I'm 17, my dad's abusive and my mother's a bitch. When I was in middle school, my only friend's dad killed his family in a double homicide-suicide. I don't really make friends anymore, or the ones I do make end up hating me. I'd like to think that's fine with me, but obviously it isn't because I'm mentioning it in this thread.

Recentlyish I've been having extreme desires to kill people. I no longer see life as valuable as I used to, and anyone who wrongs me doesn't deserve to live. People who miseducate and mistreat their children don't either.

Only sometimes. Like, right now, I'm perfectly fine. I don't want to hurt anyone. Other times, a large amount of time will pass without me noticing. Everything will feel warm and I can't think clearly. I'm barely myself. I don't like being near people, and I don't trust myself so I've convinced my parents to move me to an independent study thing.

I spend an ungodly amount of time watching videos of people dying, and similar images. On that note, I'm an atheist. Perhaps a few years ago the fear of the almighty spy camera in the sky would have held me back, but that's irrelevant I guess.

Someone just tell me what to do. I can't talk to anyone in real life, don't bother suggesting it. Anonymity is my only desire.

[Sanislas]

You have to be strong and be positive towards life. Explore, and learn the things in this priceless life that are worth living for and for you to do that you have to be more outgoing.

Contact me,I'll be glad if we can talk.

[bigfoot]

things will get better dont worry. do you have a school counseler or trusted teacher you can talk to. it always helps.i wish you well.

[Boldor]

You have to be strong and be positive towards life. Explore, and learn the things in this priceless life that are worth living for and for you to do that you have to be more outgoing.


Outgoing? No. Anything that involves people never ends well for me. If anything, more contact with people might be the straw that breaks the camel's back, as the saying goes. People just end up ignoring me. Only person I love will never talk to me again.

I do have a cat. I'm fond of my cat, but do wonder how easily it'd be to get away with killing her. But I like my cat. It's hot again, even though I have my fan on.

[Mortal Coil]

This is totally normal for someone of your background.
The amount of rage you carry with you everywhere can easily spill over, and what you need is to be sure that you will not act on those thoughts. It's hard, but maybe (yes, it sounds dumb) meditation. Just relax. Take some time to focus on letting the hate go. Don't do it for the other person, do it for you.

If you ever need something, you can contact me :hug:

[root]

Hello, people. I'm Mallory, and I just signed up to this place. Hello. I'll give as much background information as I can.

I'm 17, my dad's abusive and my mother's a bitch. When I was in middle school, my only friend's dad killed his family in a double homicide-suicide. I don't really make friends anymore, or the ones I do make end up hating me. I'd like to think that's fine with me, but obviously it isn't because I'm mentioning it in this thread.

Recentlyish I've been having extreme desires to kill people. I no longer see life as valuable as I used to, and anyone who wrongs me doesn't deserve to live. People who miseducate and mistreat their children don't either.

Only sometimes. Like, right now, I'm perfectly fine. I don't want to hurt anyone. Other times, a large amount of time will pass without me noticing. Everything will feel warm and I can't think clearly. I'm barely myself. I don't like being near people, and I don't trust myself so I've convinced my parents to move me to an independent study thing.

I spend an ungodly amount of time watching videos of people dying, and similar images. On that note, I'm an atheist. Perhaps a few years ago the fear of the almighty spy camera in the sky would have held me back, but that's irrelevant I guess.

Someone just tell me what to do. I can't talk to anyone in real life, don't bother suggesting it. Anonymity is my only desire.

I'm sorry about what you had to go through. That really sucks. If it makes you feel better, all the friends I make don't actually like me. They just pretend to be friends with me for some reason. I don't even know myself.

Well, obviously, you shouldn't kill people. I actually went through this kinda too. When I was 13, a knife, some blades, and pain killers were found on me. At first I hated myself and blamed myself but then my hate began being directed toward people around me. I still kinda do. I blame others when in reality, it's not their fault. Sometimes, I'd get fantasies about hurting people and what it'd be like but you have to consider what will happen the next day. You can be arrested, trialed for murder...etc

I'm an atheist too. I go to catholic school which is a bit of a fail. Actually, something weird about me, I use to be paranoid about people attacking me and shit. I'd spend hours learning where to stab someone if they try to hurt me and etc etc. (I actually became a computer enthusiast because my google searches were being monitored)

I can't tell you what to do. In my opinion, this is a fight you have to win by yourself. Frankly, I'm bad advice anyway. For me, I just kinda grew out of the want to fight and hurt people. Normally, when I get urges, I stick to verbal fights. At least no one gets physically hurt.

[December]

I can understand that you might feel this way given what you have been through. Such a traumatic event can easily have an incredible impact on your life and desires and urges. While I do think perhaps you should talk through your underlying feelings with someone more qualified than all of us here (such as what happened to you in middle school, and how that affected you, and anything else that might be putting more "straws on the camel's back"), if you feel unable to do that talking to anyone even virtually is a good first step. Also, perhaps your decision to do independent study will alleviate some of the stress you feel from being near people, which is positive. I understand that you must be feeling a large amount of anger and rage towards people, but you also have to realize that not all people are like your friend's dad, and that acting on your anger will only lead to exponentially more pain and suffering. In the meantime, try and relax, and you can always talk to any of us if you need someone to speak with. Hang in there :)

[Boldor]

I can't reply coherently to the people who took the time to try and help me out. Sorry. But I want to kill someone, I want to stab in the chest and watch as they die. Can't do that/////////// Just venting. Don't mind me. DOn't push me any farther.

[Baseda]

i know you said to not suggest you talking to anyone but really thats the only choice you have unless you want to suffer from this. i would suggest maybe finding a therapist nearby your house or even a school counsler ( i dont how to spell that ). if you think about it, its really the only choice you have. and about not being able to make friends, the human race is like that. kids and teens are assholes. if you learn that earlier in life its easier to get by. i usually make friends with people that are 17 or even adults cause i feel more comfortable around them than a 13 year old brat. just try to get through this the best you can and keep away from anything that could cause you to hurt someone. i wish you best of luck

[Boldor]

As pretentious as this may sound, the only kind of person I'd want to talk to would be exceptionally intelligent.

I've been doing some research, and it seems I share the same upbringings and mental disorders with a majority of serial killers. Wonderful.