I think im depressed

[BigBuds]

I'm pretty sure that I am depressed and idk what to do... Lately nothing seems fun or exciting to me, everythings just kinda numb i guess. Its been going on for about 3 years, but ive noticed it becoming increasingly worse since the death of 3 of my close friends. 4 of My friends were shot, 3 died but my best friend made it but he's paralyzed from the waist down. Im trying to do the best I can to hide it around my him cause he has enough problems as it is. It started around freshman year i kept getting sicker and sicker until i found out i was suffering from a tumor in my head. I had immediate Surgery 2 weeks later and missed the rest of the school year, almost 40 days. I didnt tell anyone except my closest friends because i was too scared and didnt want a bunch of kids bombarding me with question. After that abouy 6 months later in the middle of sophomore year i had another surgery. Since then my doctor said it was regrowing but has stopped so i am most likely done with that hell. I thought things were getting better until i lost my friends. Now i just feel like life sucks. Its too hard to enjoy the little things with all of these huge problems im my life. Ive become so stressed i have some grey hair, like WTF im only 17. I can't play any type of sports anymore. I barely get excited about anything, and alot of people have been calling me a "hater" and stuff because of my bad attitude towards life but they dont even understand. Neither do I? Ive thought about suicide but could never do that after everything i just went through i couldnt cause my friends that much pain. But i have started to smoke alot. I either drink or smoke weed everyday now. Ive heard not to depend on them so i try not to. Its just weed seems to be the only thing that helps me forget about my problems and puts a smile on my face. If you took your time to read this i appreciate it! And dont comment saying its the "smoking and drinking" its been around alot longer than i have been doing them, plus it has help relieve the stress. Please tell me what you think

[root]

Heyy, we joined the same day.

Uh, yeah, sorry about that shit. If it makes you feel better, my friend's hair started graying when she was 12. Don't worry about people getting pissed at your attitude. Weed is good :) Well, major I shouldn't advocate it...If it makes you feel better, when I use to be depressed, I used oxycontin to forget; can't tell you how many times I ODed on that shit. Sorry about your friends. That really sucks.

[December]

Well it seems to me you have a right to be depressed, you've lost a lot of friends and I'm sure that the whole tumor thing was a great personal struggle for you, all of which combined is enough to make anyone depressed (especially if you had preexisting sadness as well). I'm not a professional, but it seems to me you have a lot going on in your life and could benefit from talking to someone (they could also give you an official diagnosis). The weed and the drinking may not be what caused your depression, but alcohol is a depressant and I would not recommend that you use it as a solution to a problem it can worsen. I'm sure it can temporarily relieve your stress, but it seems to me that you should work through what is causing you all this stress rather than trying to drown it, you know? Sorry this got so long. Mostly, try and hang in there, time will take some of the pain away I'm sure, but I wish you all the best in handling everything you have been going through. Just remember that you are not alone, and maybe try and talk to someone if you can.