I'm terrified.

[CyanideGoodnight]

Honestly, right now, I'm fucking terrified of myself... I don't have an eating disorder... yet. But I'm honestly one step away from one, and I'm terrified of crossing the line. After all I've been through this is honestly the last fucking thing I need...

Every single day is a battle for me. Some days are better then others. Occasionally I can get through the entire day guilt free. But lately, no luck. My aunt has looked at my stomach before and said, with the most disgusted tone in her voice "You need to stop eating so fucking much". My grandma and my aunt have been both been avocating how I need to stop eating when I forget I'm fat nd decide to eat as much as I please. They say stuff like I'm gonna get as fat as the house, I'm going to blow up like a baloon, and sometiems they say Oh going to the kitchen again!?!?! When I defend myself, they just say "Have you been keeping TRACK Of how many times you've gone in the kitchen!?! You're gonna get fat! You're going to end up like ME!" or something. Sometimes they don't even have to say anything at all. They just have to LOOK, and I can see the disgust in their eyes, and it makes me feel guilty. I usually at this point promise myself not to let myself eat anymore for that day, or to balence it out by not eating as much as possible the next day.

I hate shopping. Whenever I shop, I do it with my aunt because my friends are usually busy nd I don't plan out my shopping adventures. Even if I did, it wouldn't help. My aunt has a somewhat strict what I like to call "God forbid anything clings" rule. What happens is this, I'll find something I like. I'll even convince myself I look GOOD in it. But then my aunt looks at it, pulls and tugs it around on me, frowns, and says she doesn't like how it CLINGS on me. I then try to defend how it looks okay, but then, I look in the mirror... and all I can stare at is my stomach. Then I say "you're right, it looks horrible..." or something like that. Then I go to change, but first I stare at myself. I stare at my stomach. I stare at the dress/shirt/whatever, and I think "If only I was a bit more skinny... then I'd be pretty. This would look fantastic on me if I was thin... if it didn't cling..." then I spend the rest of the day desperately trying to hide my stomach and sucking in. They also point out my "muffintop" and my ass on less frequent occasions... most of the time they point out my stomach. And how my shirt clings, and how I shouldn't wear it. They've ruined countless shirts/dresses I like with this rule, because after she points it out, I notice it, and there's no going back after that...

I need help. I need to beat this before it consumes me anymore. I don't know what to do... I need to get out of this hell before I fall in.

Thanks to everyone for your time and sorry for bothering you, and sorry for the long ass rant...

EDIT: also, yes I've tried telling my aunt how it makes me feel when she says that. She stopped it for a little while but then it happened again within three months. Everyone I know including my therapist doesn't expect my grandma to stop due to her age and old lady habits being hard to break and what not.

[Mortal Coil]

Ash, I'm really sorry that your relatives are treating you this way. That's absolutely horrible. First of all, I'd like to say that it is your body, and you shouldn't let their judgement sway your opinion. It was really great that you asked for help over here, because it shows how much you want to fight this.

You do not want an eating disorder. You already know this, but I'll repeat it. You don't want this. It will start out slow: maybe you'll skip a breakfast or two, throw out your lunch, opt for unsweetened tea instead of cocoa, but soon enough- and you won't be able to see it until it's too late- you'll be in over your head. You'll be mortally afraid of poptarts and whole milk. Anything substantial that you eat will either go right through you or come right back out. You'll count the calories in your toothpaste, and try to count those that other people are eating too. You'll beg, borrow and steal for diet pills.

You are strong, you are your own person, and whenever your family members think they can talk to you that way, just remember that you can lose the weight (healthily!), but they can't photoshop their ugly words and personalities. Try to spend time away from them and their critical remarks, and always give yourself a little "me time." You know, a relaxing bath with candles, or whatever you choose. If you learn to take care of and love yourself, then you're less likely to be in this kind of danger.

(Sorry for talking that way about your family, hope you don't take offense.)
And best of luck. PM me if you ever need anything.

[CyanideGoodnight]

Thank you, I'll keep that in mind <3 (And no I'm not offended I often refer to my aunt as the big fat troll)

But how do you get rid of your own judgements though? How do I kill the seed of self-hate and guilt that's already implanted in my head?

[Mortal Coil]

There are a lot of different ways to do that, and some never do. It's possible to coexist with it, though that's nowhere near ideal. Try doing some cliche things to help you see all the good in yourself. Write down a list. Say "I love you" to your reflection. Meditate. I've only found the last one to work for me even a little bit, but different things work for different people.
Stay strong :hug:

[Irishboy15]

I agree with the angel, just remember its only a couple of jealous people who try to put you down to make them feel better, just remember the good things you thought about your clothes before you thought something bad about them. Remember you liked them at one stage :) keep us updated

[root]

Woah, tl;dr.

[CyanideGoodnight]

There's one story I wish to get off my chest, on top of the one I posted in this thread.

When I was a little girl, my grandmother called me in. She called me in and told me to suck in. I told her I've tried that before and it didn't work. I told her I didn't like it. I told her it made me feel weird. She said do it sweetie, do it. I did. I did and struggled through it. After about a minute I stopped. I told her no grandma, that feels weird. I can't breath when I do that, I don't like it. She laughed. She laughed at me and told me okay sweetie, you don't have to. You don't have to but if you did maybe it'd cover that chub you've got. You can go inside now sweetie. I did.

It's weird, but that recently surfaced to my mind. It still haunts me.

I've been doing better. I've been eating properly, and sometimes I don't want to but I force myself to. Today was one of my better days. I had a slice of cake without feeling guilty. I've been making really great progress getting myself away.

School helps. I wanted to be healthy for school, because it's a LOT of exercise and hiking I don't want to pass out while collecting leaf samples or whatever. Also the people there are really awesome.

Thank you everyone for the support, I just wanted to provide an update, also that story... that story still haunts me as I've said... but... life moves on.

[xXJust Jump ItXx]

Im sorry, Ashley.. :( I want come cake though... I need food. I know how you feel about it, I really cant move on from things others have said to me in the past...