I'm afraid of older men

[TwilightFan]

Prepare, this will be a long story. So, it started when I was about ten. I was molested. This one old guy, about 60 years old, grabbed my ass and I was completly freaked out. My mom saw it but she told me we couldn't do anything, like, call the police, since the guy was obviously disturbed, so I had to simply move on. I've never talked about it to anyone, since I was too embaressed, even, when I got a psychologist for other issues (cutting), I never discussed that, never even brought that up. I thought I moved on, I got over it. I'm really not, like, sad about that anymore or anything. Well, by the time I was 13, a few other men, all at least 10 years older than me, were acting like they tried to make a move on me. At 13, I looked a lot older, like 16 or 17, so, that wasn't that awful, I mean, I was embaressed and everything, but I don't really consider it a molestation like the first case, because none of those men really knew my age and they were just, like, flirting, not grabbing my butt.

But the other day, when I went to the movies with my friend, this one guy (he was drunk, I think) came to us and started giving us comments about how we look and stuff ... My friend thought it was funny, but I was totally creeped out. I think ever since I was 10, I was a bit more suspicious towards any man older than 20, because I was always thinking: "What's he thinking? Why is he looking at me?!" I sometimes have these de-ja-vus, I just remember exacly how it felt that first time someone grabbed my butt and then I'm even more freaked out. I am not suspicious towards men in general; like, I love my dad, I hang out with my male peers, I talk to my male neighbours, but I have to admit, I've been afraid of older men, that I don't know that well. It's so annoying, cause I'm afraid of every mom and dad's male friend, every guy that walks on by me at the street, I don't trust my male teachers, I don't like, if they're looking at me or if they're standing too close, when they're checking my homework, I'm even afraid of my own grandfather, who I am not really close to. Anyone else has that kind of a distrust problem? How would you solve it?

[Nullandvoid]

i didnt think being felt up briefly counted as being molested
you know he did something wrong - and had a mental problem so stop judging others

[Mollypop]

I don't think she's judging anyone. She is talking about her reaction to trauma. Telling her to get over it isn't going to help.

I haven't had that sort of thing happen to me so I don't know what to do about it. So I kinda like the attention I get when I get it. But you probably need a therapist or someone who can help you get past it.

[Nullandvoid]

Well that's what I mean - she knows it's a judgement/association thing that's irrational so get help and over it

[Mortal Coil]

This is a serious problem that is bothering the OP, and telling her to "just get over it" isn't productive at all. If it were that simple, she wouldn't choose to still be haunted by it.

Ajda, I'm really sorry this happened to you. The first thing you need to do is move past what happened when you were ten. It's natural to be a little suspicious of older guys who are checking you out, but you evidently believe it is being taken too far, so I would recommend telling a psychologist who can help you. I apologize for not being able to provide any better advice, but do know that I'll do whatever I can to help you.

[Nullandvoid]

poor choice of words but she needs to, she needs help or it's going to screw up the rest of her life
I'm assuming no older male family members?

[ImCoolBeans]

P101 :arrow: Abuse

[sparta]

"i didnt think being felt up briefly counted as being molested
you know he did something wrong - and had a mental problem so stop judging others"

This is an extremely innapropriate comment. Frankly, I don't think you should even be taking part in this section of the forums.

Back on topic. As I just posted in another topic, the important thing to remember is that not every man is like the ones who you've had bad experiences with. I don't want to say "move on" because that comes across as both insensitive, and cruel. However, it is important to try to come to peace with the issues you've experienced in the past.

Perhaps the next time you talk to somebody, like a psychologist, you should bring this up. Another great person to talk to, is a school councillor. They too are bound by confidentiality as long as you are in no immediate danger to yourself or others. Most schools now have Social Workers who visit frequently and this might be the kind of person you need to speak with. Just somebody to "lay into" about the troubles you've had.

You're allowed to be mad, scared, and upset, but you want to do everything you can to get past what's happened, in a safe way.

I hope this helps

[Noxail]

Well, honestly, and I hate to say this, but why is someone grabbing your butt so tramatic? I'm not saying you don't have the right to be upset over it, or that it isn't something to be creeped out over, but honestly, it doesn't count as being molested. It wouldn't be fair for me to judge your situation as I don't know know you, or what you've been through, but all I can say is you have to move on. The past is in the past, and that's where it should stay. Thank goodness you wheren't hurt physically, and all the creepy old dude did was grab your ass, even if you where severly tramatized by it, the situation could have been much worse. And yes, you probably do need psychological help to get over this. What happens if you get married, and you and your husband age, and even though you're still the same age, he's over twenty? I imagine this would cause some relationship issues, and you do need to talk to someone like a therapist or a counselor. If you need someone to talk to, or just want to chat, I'm open to talk :P Best wishes ~holli

(and just a side note: every member of VT has the right to post in any section of the forums, no matter what they have, or haven't been through. Being rude and automatically judging someone and excluding them from a section, just because they said what they felt, shows ignorance. We're here to support each other, not to tear each other down. Let's be nice :hug:)

[Magenta]

Well, honestly, and I hate to say this, but why is someone grabbing your butt so tramatic?

Yes, it can be. And I understand the OP because I am very nervous and suspicious around men due to two separate incidents and I was never even physically touched but still violated and men still scare me. No matter how minor the incident may seem to others, it doesn't make it any less traumatising.

Not to mention, she was 10. When you are that young and someone, disturbed or not, touches you in a way that not even your parents would touch you, it can leave an impact because it doesn't feel right. It's not "being felt up" at that age to the person who got touched, it's inappropriate and incredibly uncomfortable.

But those who have suggested speaking to a therapist are right. It may seem embarrassing and, considering some people's rather insensitive reactions, maybe unimportant but it's obviously causing you distress so there is no reason to sit in silence about it. You feel the way you feel. It's not judgmental, it's a reaction you were never properly helped through.

If you ever want to talk, I'm always around.

[Noxail]

Yes, it can be. And I understand the OP because I am very nervous and suspicious around men due to two separate incidents and I was never even physically touched but still violated and men still scare me. No matter how minor the incident may seem to others, it doesn't make it any less traumatising.

Not to mention, she was 10. When you are that young and someone, disturbed or not, touches you in a way that not even your parents would touch you, it can leave an impact because it doesn't feel right. It's not "being felt up" at that age to the person who got touched, it's inappropriate and incredibly uncomfortable.

But those who have suggested speaking to a therapist are right. It may seem embarrassing and, considering some people's rather insensitive reactions, maybe unimportant but it's obviously causing you distress so there is no reason to sit in silence about it. You feel the way you feel. It's not judgmental, it's a reaction you were never properly helped through.

If you ever want to talk, I'm always around.

I really didn't mean too seem insensitive, and if I did, I'm truly sorry OP. But like I said earlier, I never suggested she didn't have the right to be upset, scarred or creeped out, and actually, I said she had every right to. I just didn't understand how having her bum grabbed could be so tramatic. Thanks for explaining it Jo. ~holli

[sammianne12]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm horrified of older men. I mean, I have a boyfriend and whatnot. He's 18 and I'm 16 but that doesn't really qualify under the 'older men' category. I'm so sorry all that has happened to you. Older men like from 25+ scare the fuck out of me. Reason for this being is because when I was 12 me and my brother moved in with my dad.

I started being a little bit rebellious and got in trouble at school more often. Every night my dad would get home from work at around 5 and of course I was a bit frightened because I had gotten in trouble at school and I knew that the school had called him. He started yelling at me and it had horrified me completely. after a while of all this happening I didn't have to get in trouble at school for me to be terrified when I seen his car pulling into the driveway. Sometimes he would yell at me for petty little mistakes I had made. Like taking a nap, we weren't allowed to take naps cause then we wouldn't go to bed at our 9:30 bedtime cause we wouldn't be tired. Yea, I had a bed time up until I was 14.

Regardless, I think what really traumatized me about all that is that one day I had an afterschool detention, I had to stay afterschool for an hour cause I did something. It was from 3-4. I just figured that my dad knew that I had one and would be there at 4 to pick me up. He was always on time. I was waiting up there until 4:30 when I decided he had no idea that I had one. I wasn't allowed to have a cellphone either, for the record so I couldn't just call him and the office at the school was closed. So I met up with my friend and she had given me a ride back to my house. When I got there my dad had pulled in. I was locked out of my house also. And when he got out of his car he had proceeded to tell me to lie down on the cement. And at first I thought he was joking, I mean why the fuck would he want me to lie down on the cement. But he had started to scream at me so of course I did it. He then got in my face as I was lying on my back on the cement and started screaming at me. He told me that I am not allowed to get a ride home from my friends. Then, he dragged me into my room and grabbed me by my shirt and threw me onto my bed and once again, got in my face and started screaming at me. After that he started whipping all my stuff at me. Nailpolish, jewelry holders, my makeup, and just things like that. After that he told me to clean up my room and slammed the door. I think that's what really did it.

Now I'm terrified of my boyfriends dad, I get that same fear I used to get when he pulls in the driveway when he gets home for work. My grandpa, who I am really close with, again, same fear. Especially with all my moms friends, they're really weird. Oh! Also, I forgot to mention a few months before I turned 15 my dad ended up kicking me out of his house. I'm now 16 and he is still yet to talk to me.