Some advice would be appreciated

[CyanideGoodnight]

So... how do you comfort a person in grieving? My grandmother lived with a man for almost/over 16 years now. They never got married and it's quite possible he never got divorced (yes its okay to laugh at that last bit... I sure did). Turns out he has cancer. He's the only man who treated my grandma right... and she's been through a shit ton. She has a very troubled past. Since she's been living with him for so long, my family has no idea how she'll do without him. (yes it's definite he's going to die. Stage four, inoperable)

He has 3 months to live without chemo and about 9 months to live WITH it.

Some advice on what to do when he's gone (outside of the standard "just be there for her") Would be greatly appreciated.

And if I don't sound upset about his passing... it's because I never met him, but I deeply appreciate him and all he's done for my grandma. He seems like a very nice man for her and I'm just happy she found one that didn't abuse her.

Thanks for your time

[eggy101]

First she wont want to see anyone (after his passing) so leave her be just give her a fone call to check she is still here to. Dont talk about take her out get her mind of things, i know my grandmother loves(D) doing things with me do stuff she like have a laugh. But you say other than the be there for here, thats the answer be there to talk or just have a craker, after a week or 2 she'll cope but do check on her regulary

[Amaryllis]

Losing someone you love dearly - especially one who's been in your life for such a long time is deeply traumatic. You are incredibly kind to worry about her, Ashley and honestly - she's very lucky to have people who love her dearly.

Make sure not to tell her what she should do and how she will be eventually. They don't want to have people acting like they know what's best when they're hurting. Help her out in every way you can. Cook, clean, shop. Make the transition easier for them. When your grandma's man passes away, help her organise the funeral, it's hard enough losing someone you love, much less have to shake hands and hug visitors when he's gone.

Take her out for something fun. A movie, nice dinner, a walk. Try to get her mind off of it. Try your best to cheer her up, even if she's reluctant. And sometimes, just give her time to grieve. If she's having an extra hard time, perhaps gently suggest a therapist.

Basically, be nice. Be sugar-and-chocolate-coated-Ashley. And most importantly, take care of yourself. Give yourself happy you-time and don't forget that a dead and miserable Ashley is an Ashley who can't help anyone.

All the best,
Amaryllis

P.S. Be empathetic. Don't say you know how she feels if you don't. Be honest and ask her what she needs.

[CyanideGoodnight]

Thank you, I'll call her as often as possible. She still lives in Oregon with him (I'm in New York with my family) and his family and they're helping her out for the pre-stage. I'm more worried on how she's going to be AFTER. I'll try to take her out if possible- or encourage her to.

Im worried the most because she's a solitary person. She came to visit us about five months ago for about a week and she barely talks, and when she does, she mumbles, because she's used to living with him and doing her own thing for the most part.

Distance is the thing thats blocking most of my options though. I wish no more then to be able to buy a plane ticket and go to her and help her.

Thank you for all your help though <3 I'll do my best to do that

[FullyAlive]

Distance will make it harder to help, but how is she with computers could you email her? If not you can send her cheery letters something to look forward to in the post, phone her up with bright happy conversation but prepared to talk if she needs to. Ask your parents about going on a family trip thereor just by yourself to see her? See about buying plane tickets and giving her a date to move towards. Speaking to your parents though is probably your first call they'll be able to help you with what to do have a discussion explain your worries about your grandma and how much you'd like to help.

[CyanideGoodnight]

I'll ask my family about that, and I didn't even think about email! Thank you for that idea, it may work. I'm not sure how much she uses her computer but she texts my aunt a lot so I'll ask for her number and text her as much as possible. Thanks again for all your help guys <3