boonsim
July 25th, 2012, 12:29 AM
Hello, everyone. Today I would like to introduce you to my grandmothers seven kids, AKA my father and all his siblings. This is just a rant, because they are all quite crazy and I like telling random people on the internet about my personal life :D. Let's begin, shall we?
1. Lisa - The Nervous Wreck
Lisa was the first born of the giant family. She eventually grew up to be the nicest, but quickly distanced herself from the crazys to live in Massachusetts. She means well, but she is terribly nervous about everything.
2. Robert - The Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Robert is my father, and therefore the only one I must deal with on a sometimes daily basis. He, like all of his family, is a narcissist and loves to focus on the "great" accomplishments he has. He is really really cheap, except when sprawling all out for his lovers. He is so good at engagement that he's done it 3 times! Since his mother was a crazy woman, he's also insane. He refuses to let me use the air conditioning, and in a multi week drought, this is not fun. He hates it every time I eat food, and I don't know why. Also, he's a health nut who is obsessed with "natural remedies" (he hasn't been to a doctor in over three years).
3. Joanne - The Jersey Housewife
Like her sisters, she enjoys being pretty, overly tanned, and the best of the best. She is one of the worst parents ever. She has turned both her children into practical robots, and even allows her 16 year old son to drink and smoke. Witnessing him describe a whiskey like some kind of conniseur really shocked me.
4. Susan - The "So Called Mom"
I was very very picky when I was a kid. She would always pester both my parents about my poor eating habits. She now has two daughters: Ava and Sophia, the poetic justice children. They are at least nine times as picky as I ever was, much to her dismay.
5. David - The Mama's Boy
David was the favorite growing up. As such, he has never found a woman to share his love with. He lives in very close proximity to his parents and eats dinner with them EVERY SUNDAY! He has become very creepy as a result of all his coddling.
6. Michael - The Only Sane One
Michael was loved the least by his mom, and became the most normal. He even married an Asian-American, something my hyper-racist family frowns upon. On a side note: his 5-year-old called me a "stupid asshole". I LOLd!
7. Elizabeth - The Princess
Elizabeth was the most spoiled. She ended up remaining stuck up and hard to please. I remember her wedding, it was a freaking extravaganza. All because Elizabeth had to have the best of everything.
This is what I have to go through for every family gathering. Additionally. i'm forbidden to tell them I'm an Atheist, because they're all unbearably religious Catholics. After an incident last Thanksgiving where I audibly complained about being sat at the kids table while kids younger than me were at the adult table, my visits have been limited. Yay me.
1. Lisa - The Nervous Wreck
Lisa was the first born of the giant family. She eventually grew up to be the nicest, but quickly distanced herself from the crazys to live in Massachusetts. She means well, but she is terribly nervous about everything.
2. Robert - The Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Robert is my father, and therefore the only one I must deal with on a sometimes daily basis. He, like all of his family, is a narcissist and loves to focus on the "great" accomplishments he has. He is really really cheap, except when sprawling all out for his lovers. He is so good at engagement that he's done it 3 times! Since his mother was a crazy woman, he's also insane. He refuses to let me use the air conditioning, and in a multi week drought, this is not fun. He hates it every time I eat food, and I don't know why. Also, he's a health nut who is obsessed with "natural remedies" (he hasn't been to a doctor in over three years).
3. Joanne - The Jersey Housewife
Like her sisters, she enjoys being pretty, overly tanned, and the best of the best. She is one of the worst parents ever. She has turned both her children into practical robots, and even allows her 16 year old son to drink and smoke. Witnessing him describe a whiskey like some kind of conniseur really shocked me.
4. Susan - The "So Called Mom"
I was very very picky when I was a kid. She would always pester both my parents about my poor eating habits. She now has two daughters: Ava and Sophia, the poetic justice children. They are at least nine times as picky as I ever was, much to her dismay.
5. David - The Mama's Boy
David was the favorite growing up. As such, he has never found a woman to share his love with. He lives in very close proximity to his parents and eats dinner with them EVERY SUNDAY! He has become very creepy as a result of all his coddling.
6. Michael - The Only Sane One
Michael was loved the least by his mom, and became the most normal. He even married an Asian-American, something my hyper-racist family frowns upon. On a side note: his 5-year-old called me a "stupid asshole". I LOLd!
7. Elizabeth - The Princess
Elizabeth was the most spoiled. She ended up remaining stuck up and hard to please. I remember her wedding, it was a freaking extravaganza. All because Elizabeth had to have the best of everything.
This is what I have to go through for every family gathering. Additionally. i'm forbidden to tell them I'm an Atheist, because they're all unbearably religious Catholics. After an incident last Thanksgiving where I audibly complained about being sat at the kids table while kids younger than me were at the adult table, my visits have been limited. Yay me.