LoneWolf2012
July 24th, 2012, 07:53 PM
Hi there. I just feel really miserable right now and would like to share my story with you guys. I appologise for the long read and my bad English in advance. So let me begin...
I'm a very strange type of person. Finding someone, as strange, who is compatible with me is one of those aims in my life that I'd like to label as 'almost impossible'. My longest relationship has been a week long. It's not like I am not attractive, it's actually quite the opposite. Even though I don't have much self-confidence, there happen to be a lot of girls that like me and compliment me. It's just that it's really hard for me to approach a girl I do not have feelings for(unless I am drunk, then it's a whole different story). I simply care too much about people I don't even know. When I see that a girl is getting too attached to me and I don't feel the same for her I usually just run away because I know I am going to hurt her eventually and I deffinitely don't want that. And if I happen to like something in a girl, I usually break with her after a few days because I just don't feel like 'we're meant to be' or something and therefore she starts to irritate me.
I have been really 'in love' three times in my life. The first time was like.. for 2 years. There was this girl that I saw in my bus from time to time but was too shy to go and talk to. Eventually we got acquainted and her character ruined it for me. She got to like me afterwards though but I cut her off. The second time was more recently. I met another girl in the same bus. It was the first time when I just saw her and immediately felt like I had to go and talk to her no matter what. Anyways, she had already got me with the very first words she spoke. She turned out to be the most beautiful and smart(really smart and caring!) girl I happen to know. Things didn't turn out very well, though. She was older than me and had a really big thing for her ex. Me, on the other hand, was obsessed with her for 9 months until I finally confessed and she said it wasn't going to happen. Then my feelings slowly faded away and then, out of nowhere, came HER.
I would just like to share a very vidid and realistic dream I had 10 years ago. So here it is: When I was like 8 years old I had that dream. It was actually the dream I remember the most and think about every single day. It was about me and a girl who had green eyes and was dressed in blue. We were walking together until it started pouring down. Then we grabbed each other and run to the nearest cab where we made out. From then on I have a thing for girls who dress blue clothes and light eyes(especially green). I would spare you the details but what's important is that this dream means a lot to me and I've been searching for that girl ever since.
Now, back on the topic. My feelings had been fading, I was just about to stop caring for everybody and 'just get laid'. I had those plans about being with 10 girls or something at a time. I even made a list. And then I got drunk. Yeah, I got drunk and when I got back home, still being drunk, I wrote 'Yo !!!' to about 10 random friends in facebook. One of them happened to be a girl I had added a couple of months ago because I had some feeling about her and she had a lot of nice pics, had green eyes and apparently loved the blue colour. She had written to me about how nice my photos were and stuff like that before but I was still in love back then and she lived in another town, approximately 300 kilometres away from where I live, so I didn't really pay her any attention and she eventually stopped contacting me. So when she saw that "Yo !!!" she was really surprised. She didn't really expect me to remember about her. Anyways, we chatted for a bit and eventually she told me she had some exams in my town next week so we could meet in person. I asked a common acquaintance of ours what she was like and she told me she didn't know anything but that she's been going out with some boy since recently. So.. a week passed and so did we meet. She was with a friend of hers and we had a pretty good time. An hour later, I sent them off to their bus and 2 minutes later she texted me about how gorgeous and sweet I was. We started texting each other like 50 times a day and talked over skype for hours in the evenings(often we stood awake talking all night long).
She turned out to be everything I had ever wanted from a girl. Her favourite colour was blue and she had green eyes, just like mine. On top of that she was as awkward as me, we liked and loved the same kind of stuff, we listened to the same kind of music, we liked the same kinds of food and we even played the same computer games. She simply seemed perfect for me. One thing that disturbed me was her having a boyfriend. When I asked her whether they were together she said 'kind of'. She seemed to spend a lot more time with me. She even made compliments about my looks all the time. She often told me, though, that she shouldn't drink alcohol in my company because she may do some 'bad things'. I tried to not get attached as much to her but I simply couldn't help it. I cared so much about her that when she fell ill I travelled 300 km to see her. I actually did that twice. We lay in the same bed and we cuddled, held our hands, played, kissed each other on the cheeks and etc. It was awesome. One sleepless night when we were chatting over skype we both happened to be quite serious so we talked about what we think about each other. She told me that she liked something about me very much, that I was physically perfect for her, that she liked 6000 things in me, that she cared a lot about me and wanted me to quit smoking, that she had a really hard time resisting kissing me when we were sleeping in the same bed at her place. We talked a bit about her exes and she told me that she's been hurt a lot in the past. I asked her how things are going on with her boyfriend and she told me that from the first time she saw him she realized that they had the same kind of manias, that he was as romantic as her and that he really managed to understand her. She told me that she had become very fond of him but that there was also one little problem.. me. She said that I shouldn't have been the guy that she had to meet 2 months ago. Anyways, a few days later she came to my birthday party, after which she slept over at my place. In the morning we cuddled and I couldn't resist and kissed her. A few seconds later she kissed me too and that went on for like 2 hours. After that we took a bath and I sent her off because she had an appointment with her boyfriend. The next day we met again and it felt really awkward. She told me that for the first time in her life she had feelings for two people at a time and she didn't know what to do about it. She was leaving town the next day so after the 15-minutes long good-bye I decided to kiss her once more. The next day she asked me why did I do this again. I said that I obviously had feelings for her and that's why. She told me that she deffinitely had something for me that she couldn't really explain but the thing with her boyfriend was 'real' and that she clearly wanted to be with him. She said that she wouldn't ever ignore me and that she greatly fears that she might lose me but if I wanted to, we could ceise any contact. Despite saying that, though, she started ignoring me little by little to the point that we didn't hear from each other for days. Eventually she told me that we could still communicate over facebook and skype but that her boyfriend was getting really jealous and it would be best if we didn't see each other in person for some time. Well, two weeks have passed since then and we havent kept in touch with each other at all. It is as if she had forgotten that I exist. She even deleted some picture of me she had uploaded on her facebook and as a result I got mad and removed her from my friendlist. I did my best to keep her as a friend. I even got to the point where I was happy for her being happy with her boyfriend and simply wanted to not lose her as a friend as she was really the most amazing person I've ever met. But it didn't work out that way either. The last time we went out she cuddled me, behaved affectionately and even grabbed my hand while walking. To me it seems that she just couldn't resist me when we're together. She had told me that the thing she fears the most is hurting people and being hurt. I think that for the first time she somewhat succeeded in a relationship and doesn't want to lose it. I feel like I have strengthened her feelings for her boyfriend as she seems a lot more passionate about him than before. She doesn't stop talking about how fairy tail-like her life is at the moment because of him when she is asked how she feels on the social network.
I don't know what to do anymore. I met the girl I've been searching for my whole life, made out with her and then lost her. I just can't bear with it. I'm so mad at her for not keeping her promises and at the same time I miss her so much. I don't think that I'll ever find someone else who has so much in common with me as she do. Last thing I want is losing her. It's killing me.
EDIT: Forgot to mention that she recently moved to lodgings with her boyfriend and three friends of theirs. She has nowhere else to live in this city and is quite bound by the rent so that kind of makes things even worse for me.
I'm a very strange type of person. Finding someone, as strange, who is compatible with me is one of those aims in my life that I'd like to label as 'almost impossible'. My longest relationship has been a week long. It's not like I am not attractive, it's actually quite the opposite. Even though I don't have much self-confidence, there happen to be a lot of girls that like me and compliment me. It's just that it's really hard for me to approach a girl I do not have feelings for(unless I am drunk, then it's a whole different story). I simply care too much about people I don't even know. When I see that a girl is getting too attached to me and I don't feel the same for her I usually just run away because I know I am going to hurt her eventually and I deffinitely don't want that. And if I happen to like something in a girl, I usually break with her after a few days because I just don't feel like 'we're meant to be' or something and therefore she starts to irritate me.
I have been really 'in love' three times in my life. The first time was like.. for 2 years. There was this girl that I saw in my bus from time to time but was too shy to go and talk to. Eventually we got acquainted and her character ruined it for me. She got to like me afterwards though but I cut her off. The second time was more recently. I met another girl in the same bus. It was the first time when I just saw her and immediately felt like I had to go and talk to her no matter what. Anyways, she had already got me with the very first words she spoke. She turned out to be the most beautiful and smart(really smart and caring!) girl I happen to know. Things didn't turn out very well, though. She was older than me and had a really big thing for her ex. Me, on the other hand, was obsessed with her for 9 months until I finally confessed and she said it wasn't going to happen. Then my feelings slowly faded away and then, out of nowhere, came HER.
I would just like to share a very vidid and realistic dream I had 10 years ago. So here it is: When I was like 8 years old I had that dream. It was actually the dream I remember the most and think about every single day. It was about me and a girl who had green eyes and was dressed in blue. We were walking together until it started pouring down. Then we grabbed each other and run to the nearest cab where we made out. From then on I have a thing for girls who dress blue clothes and light eyes(especially green). I would spare you the details but what's important is that this dream means a lot to me and I've been searching for that girl ever since.
Now, back on the topic. My feelings had been fading, I was just about to stop caring for everybody and 'just get laid'. I had those plans about being with 10 girls or something at a time. I even made a list. And then I got drunk. Yeah, I got drunk and when I got back home, still being drunk, I wrote 'Yo !!!' to about 10 random friends in facebook. One of them happened to be a girl I had added a couple of months ago because I had some feeling about her and she had a lot of nice pics, had green eyes and apparently loved the blue colour. She had written to me about how nice my photos were and stuff like that before but I was still in love back then and she lived in another town, approximately 300 kilometres away from where I live, so I didn't really pay her any attention and she eventually stopped contacting me. So when she saw that "Yo !!!" she was really surprised. She didn't really expect me to remember about her. Anyways, we chatted for a bit and eventually she told me she had some exams in my town next week so we could meet in person. I asked a common acquaintance of ours what she was like and she told me she didn't know anything but that she's been going out with some boy since recently. So.. a week passed and so did we meet. She was with a friend of hers and we had a pretty good time. An hour later, I sent them off to their bus and 2 minutes later she texted me about how gorgeous and sweet I was. We started texting each other like 50 times a day and talked over skype for hours in the evenings(often we stood awake talking all night long).
She turned out to be everything I had ever wanted from a girl. Her favourite colour was blue and she had green eyes, just like mine. On top of that she was as awkward as me, we liked and loved the same kind of stuff, we listened to the same kind of music, we liked the same kinds of food and we even played the same computer games. She simply seemed perfect for me. One thing that disturbed me was her having a boyfriend. When I asked her whether they were together she said 'kind of'. She seemed to spend a lot more time with me. She even made compliments about my looks all the time. She often told me, though, that she shouldn't drink alcohol in my company because she may do some 'bad things'. I tried to not get attached as much to her but I simply couldn't help it. I cared so much about her that when she fell ill I travelled 300 km to see her. I actually did that twice. We lay in the same bed and we cuddled, held our hands, played, kissed each other on the cheeks and etc. It was awesome. One sleepless night when we were chatting over skype we both happened to be quite serious so we talked about what we think about each other. She told me that she liked something about me very much, that I was physically perfect for her, that she liked 6000 things in me, that she cared a lot about me and wanted me to quit smoking, that she had a really hard time resisting kissing me when we were sleeping in the same bed at her place. We talked a bit about her exes and she told me that she's been hurt a lot in the past. I asked her how things are going on with her boyfriend and she told me that from the first time she saw him she realized that they had the same kind of manias, that he was as romantic as her and that he really managed to understand her. She told me that she had become very fond of him but that there was also one little problem.. me. She said that I shouldn't have been the guy that she had to meet 2 months ago. Anyways, a few days later she came to my birthday party, after which she slept over at my place. In the morning we cuddled and I couldn't resist and kissed her. A few seconds later she kissed me too and that went on for like 2 hours. After that we took a bath and I sent her off because she had an appointment with her boyfriend. The next day we met again and it felt really awkward. She told me that for the first time in her life she had feelings for two people at a time and she didn't know what to do about it. She was leaving town the next day so after the 15-minutes long good-bye I decided to kiss her once more. The next day she asked me why did I do this again. I said that I obviously had feelings for her and that's why. She told me that she deffinitely had something for me that she couldn't really explain but the thing with her boyfriend was 'real' and that she clearly wanted to be with him. She said that she wouldn't ever ignore me and that she greatly fears that she might lose me but if I wanted to, we could ceise any contact. Despite saying that, though, she started ignoring me little by little to the point that we didn't hear from each other for days. Eventually she told me that we could still communicate over facebook and skype but that her boyfriend was getting really jealous and it would be best if we didn't see each other in person for some time. Well, two weeks have passed since then and we havent kept in touch with each other at all. It is as if she had forgotten that I exist. She even deleted some picture of me she had uploaded on her facebook and as a result I got mad and removed her from my friendlist. I did my best to keep her as a friend. I even got to the point where I was happy for her being happy with her boyfriend and simply wanted to not lose her as a friend as she was really the most amazing person I've ever met. But it didn't work out that way either. The last time we went out she cuddled me, behaved affectionately and even grabbed my hand while walking. To me it seems that she just couldn't resist me when we're together. She had told me that the thing she fears the most is hurting people and being hurt. I think that for the first time she somewhat succeeded in a relationship and doesn't want to lose it. I feel like I have strengthened her feelings for her boyfriend as she seems a lot more passionate about him than before. She doesn't stop talking about how fairy tail-like her life is at the moment because of him when she is asked how she feels on the social network.
I don't know what to do anymore. I met the girl I've been searching for my whole life, made out with her and then lost her. I just can't bear with it. I'm so mad at her for not keeping her promises and at the same time I miss her so much. I don't think that I'll ever find someone else who has so much in common with me as she do. Last thing I want is losing her. It's killing me.
EDIT: Forgot to mention that she recently moved to lodgings with her boyfriend and three friends of theirs. She has nowhere else to live in this city and is quite bound by the rent so that kind of makes things even worse for me.