How exactly do you deal with this?

[Tenkotsu]

My older brother always seems to need of my "moral support" for almost anything, he needs me to be at his side for many stuff, he never shuts up about all his problems and complains to me, and seems to always expect me to hear him and support him. The problem is that he always interrupts me whenever I want to talk, he always tries to have the last word and doesn't like it when I say no, I simply can't.

I can't tell him no, or do anything pretty much since it might upset him, and I don't like it, mostly because then he goes and annoys my younger brother, acting all authoritorian and all. I can't tell my parents, because my mother always takes his side, despite being older and I've told her before how sick I am of having to hear all his complaints (and I mean all, from the prices to videogames to his big desire to go to Canada to anything that happens to him), yet, it's always me the bad one.

If I get mad at him for anything, he gets mad at me for getting mad at him (seems to be the thing) and my mother thinks I'm a grumpy person and should try to tolerate my brother because he loves me and all, I know that, but I don't like being his doormat. If he gets mad at me, it's still my fault.

I just can't say no or anything, I can't talk because I'm quickly interrupted with something "better" that he has to say. Pretty much my whole family seems like that, trying to one up each other with better stuff, if I tell my brother something good happened to me, he says "that's nothing I had something better blablablabla", if something bad happened to me "that's nothing, something worse happened to be me once, blablabla", I've told him I don't like it when he does that and yet, he continues.

My mother does that too, I understand because she's an adult with job and all, but I still don't like how they underestimate absolutely every problem I have, from social problems to school and all, it's like I need to have a family and a job so they can listen to me. Even though I know they still won't care, since they'll say something along the lines of "that's a job/life, whatever, get used to it, I have bigger problems, listen to them". Then they wonder why I don't speak a lot.

I just can't stand it, my mother loves that me and my brothers are very close and all, but because of that she doesn't listen to me at all, she sees there are problems between me and my older brother and yet she blames me always, it feels more like if I am the yes man of my brother, I have to make sure his ego is sated or something, if not, I have to make him feel better.

The times I've tried talking to them about these problems, or any problems, they always make it sound as if it is my fault. They always go "pfft, you should've talked louder or said what you were thinking and such", but if I had that time, then they could've gotten mad at me for interrupting them and not letting them talk. It's always my fault, everything is, to the point that I blamed myself for anything bad, because i was always being told that I do everything wrong, or I should've known better, or "you should have" anything.

I just don't know what to do, It's always been like this but I can't stand it, everything bad that happens is my fault, I have to feed my brother's ego, every problem or situation I have is understimated as nothing, I have to make my older brother happy or else he takes it on my younger brother, I have to listen and stand everything they say, and I mean everything, but I can't say a word, it's more like they just want someone to listen to them rather than having conversations.

I normally don't talk about this problem, because I'm always told that it's my family so I have to stand them and that's it, that's what I've always done and I know it's my family and all, but I just can't stand it. Or I'm told that its MY fault because I'm weak and let everyone walk over me, which makes me feel worse, because then it's my fault that I'm treated poorly, even in my own home, and I have to suck it up, which again, it's something that I've always done.

[CyanideGoodnight]

Did you try reaching out to friends instead of family? Whenever you have a problem, instead of telling your parents, try talking about it to your friends. I've been doing this for years as my problem usually IS my family :p

As for how to get your family to listen, eh... that's an enigma that's escaped most of us... Family therapy may be a solution, or some sort of help, maybe?

Something I learned in therapy is the "I feel, I want, I need" method. Instead of saying "When YOU do this it upsets me" which puts people on the defensive and makes them want to blame YOU more... try phrasing your issue differently. Pretty much what you do is you say it so (if I remember correctly) That the first part of the sentence is what you feel. "I feel upset..." The second part is what you want to happen. "I feel upset because I want to not be used as a doormat and..." The third part is what you need to be changed. "I feel upset because I'm being used as a doormat. I want this not to continue happening, and I need us to sit down and have a convorsation about this matter". I may or may not have screwed up the order of this... but that sounds about right. What this does is, as I said, gets the blame OUT of the situation which makes people more willing to work WITH you instead of against you. If this doesn't work... maybe family therapy of some sort to mediate the situation.

Best of luck to you!

[Listed MIA]

I'm sorry, that sucks. do you think he maybe has aspergers or something? i probably totally spelt that wrong, but it sounds like he doesn't have a clue how social situations work, you know, how to have a conversation with some one and stuff. It kind of sounds like your mother just wants an easy life, like he's more difficult to deal with than you so she just wants you to keep him happy. which is totally wrong and unfair. My dad has a friend kind of like this, everyone is like ahhh don't let me be alone with him!! cos he'll just stand there and talk and talk and talk, and keep you there even when you say you have to go. like he'll phone up and ask for my dad and I'll say he is out then he'll be like "oh well you'll do." and he'll go on about IBM computers and servers and all this ancient tech i have no clue (or interest) about.

I'm sorry your family don't listen to you and blame everything on you. obviously they are wrong. it sounds like you have already tried pretty much everything. i've been an only child up till now, so i don't really have any idea what having a brother is like. I can't really think of anything else you can do except keep out of his way as much as possible, but if it helps, you are right and they are wrong.

[FreeFall]

You've got a voice, you deserve to use it. How dare they try and belittle your problems and make them out to seem nothing, that's like saying your feelings are nothing so don't speak. They're trying to make you this person that grooms them and tells you what you want to hear. It's time to make it stop.

You do not need to feed your brother's ego. You can protect your lil bro by teaching him how to sick up for himself. Your older brother's pretty awful. He's the big guy, the elder, the one that should have more wisdom than you and yet he's relying on you emotionally and making you his crutch.

If they don't want to talk, will they read? Can you put everything down you want in writing and have them read it? Pick your words carefully, or else they'll be diverted from what your trying to say and attack you for what you're saying. If they talk I agree with Tranquillity's suggestion. If all else fails, spend as much time as you can away from home. This is not good for you.

[Tenkotsu]

You've got a voice, you deserve to use it. How dare they try and belittle your problems and make them out to seem nothing, that's like saying your feelings are nothing so don't speak. They're trying to make you this person that grooms them and tells you what you want to hear. It's time to make it stop.

You do not need to feed your brother's ego. You can protect your lil bro by teaching him how to sick up for himself. Your older brother's pretty awful. He's the big guy, the elder, the one that should have more wisdom than you and yet he's relying on you emotionally and making you his crutch.

If they don't want to talk, will they read? Can you put everything down you want in writing and have them read it? Pick your words carefully, or else they'll be diverted from what your trying to say and attack you for what you're saying. If they talk I agree with Tranquillity's suggestion. If all else fails, spend as much time as you can away from home. This is not good for you.

It's funny that you mention writing stuff, since I tried that last year with my mother, but she again, dismissed most stuff, the only thing she told me "was true", was that my brother complained too much, he complains to her about some stuff, but she doesn't listen half the stuff my brother complains to me, I have to listen to him all the time. I wish I had friends or stuff to do outside the house, but I don't, I don't like to go out a lot since I don't really have what to do.

To be honest I can't really talk to them or put words in a manner that they accept, when I get upset my voice cracks and it's very noticeable I'm mad, I don't think I can get to them in any way, they always seem to feel threatened.

My family isn't to akin either to talking about problems(they do love telling other people their problems and flaws, yes), they like to pretend things are ok most of the time, so things like psychologists and stuff like that is something they just won't even consider. It's for other people. It's possible that we all have problems with communications and socializing and all, but I doubt they see it.

Maybe my brother has problems (if he does, I surely do too) but that kind of conditions are "for other people", we don't have them. We are told in general that we are just lazy and mean and that's it, no help or anything, getting external help is for other people.