Confused, I suppose

[December]

So I have never really been concerned with my weight or anything before, but ever since I stopped doing sports a few months ago, I have really started thinking about it. I mean, I exercise on my own, but it is not the same as swimming over 5,000 yards a day or running with a team. Its been the hardest this summer because it is the first that I am not swimming on a team, which is when I always felt like I was in the best shape.

Anyways, I suppose that I am not fat, but I still feel that way, you know? Just fat and lazy and like I eat way too much compared to how active I am. Also, math is something I enjoy, so it has been all to easy to count calories, which is not something I remember starting, but it is something that I do all the time now.

I guess I am just confused where to go from here. I have zero experience with this and I know I am not eating near enough and I wish that I could just snap out of it, but its in my head now quite a lot. I've been dealing with a variety of mental issues for awhile now on my own, but they are something I have known for quite some time, and this is so new to me that I am not even sure where to start as to handling it.

Any advice you have would be, I am sure, quite helpful :)

[Gigablue]

Your attitude toward food doesn't seem very healthy, and you mention that you don't eat much. This could cause health problems if your weight becomes too low. It's good that you recognize a problem. You should talk to someone. Tell one of your parents if you can, if not talk to someone you can trust. If you can, talk to your guidance counsellor at school. See a therapist if you can. They will be able to help you fix this problem. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. Tell someone as soon as possible.

[December]

Thanks for the advice Gigablue :) . The university I am attending this fall has free mental health services that I just found out about so I guess that is a place to start, if nothing else.

[Amaryllis]

Having an eating disorder is like walking on thin ice. You're too busy staring at the beauty of the snow-covered world to realise the ground is cracking. By the time you realise, you're already drowning in the water.

My eating disorders started with me counting calories, too. I became more and more obsessed with it and next thing I knew, I was barely 60 pounds. Eating disorders are hell. I've been raped, bullied, suffered from anxiety, self-harm, OCD, hallucinations but nothing -nothing- is as terrible as a full blown ED.

EDs will steal your life. If you become too skinny, your organs will start shutting down. You will not sleep a single night. You will be in constant, unrelenting, never ending pain and man will you hate yourself and the world. You'll lose interest in absolutely everything and if you're unlucky, everyone will leave you to suffer and die.

This is probably a hard question since to this day, I myself have no idea why it began. But I'll ask, anyway. Why are you counting calories and eating too little?

If you're feeling fat, it isn't an emotion. If you seek control, true control is when you try to stop your calorie counting and eat. Normally. If you want to distract yourself, you will be so terribly distracted, you will become your eating disorder and that will be your life. An endless cycle of being miserable. If you want to be beautiful, you will be uglier. With every bit of hell you put your mind and body through, you will lose a little more of your beauty and no matter what weight you are - you will find some bit of you to hate.

Eating disorders are hard to recover from but every step and stumble towards freedom from it is worth it. You're at the beginning of a downward spiral, it isn't too late to climb back up. You're brave for seeking help. Braver than I wish I could've been.

You have a whole life ahead of you. A life that doesn't need to be filled with pain. A chance at a life that isn't owned by eating disorders. Seek help and take care of yourself. You deserve more than half a life and half a life - at most - is all you will get with an eating disorder.

You will be with yourself for the rest of your life so make the most of it. You are all you have so take care you.

Love,
Amaryllis

[December]

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice Amaryllis. As of now, I do plan on seeking help, before I get in too deep. I understand what you mean about being at the top of a downward spiral. I feel like a lot of things in my life began this way, and I suppose this time is different because I see it all laid out before me now like I have done it all before. And as you say, ED's are different than a lot of other terrible things that can happen to a person, which is why I'm trying to stop this all before I go too far. Anyways, thank you for all of your advice, it really helped to have you tell me all of this, and has allowed me to better see the situation at hand. Also in response to your question, I guess I don't have a concrete reason why I started all this, but I just know that not being active as often or consistently as I used to be, I started to worry that I was going to get, well, fat and gross and lazy, which might sound kind of shallow and ridiculous, but I suppose it became a concern of mine then. And I also like math, which I apply to a lot of things, so calorie counting just became something I started doing. Anyways, thank you again for all that you said :)

[Cicero]

The advice Amarlyis gave you was great. But you also might not be suffering from a eating disorder, you say that your a swimmer. And by how much you swim you sound very athletic. Maybe you feel this way, because your not really used of just sitting around and eating. Anyone who goes from really athletic to not athletic at all (for whatever reason) would probably feel the same way. If your eating to less of calories, that might be an indicator. To know how many calories you burn daily, look it up on the Internet, it can estimate your calorie burn. But as I said, you may not have a ED, you just may not be used of sitting around. I mean, it does make perfect sense, you eat perfectly fine during swim season, then you quit swimming and it goes downhill. If your eating 1500 calories or less (if you burn 2000 a day) then you may wanna bump up the calories a bit (500 calorie deficit isn't that big of a deal, just bump it up another 300-400 calories a day, if you burn 2000 a day). Your mind, also might not wanna eat to much to where you get fat, because of swimming.

[December]

Thank you for your advice. You make a valid point; I used to swim like 8 or more months out of the year, and I've stopped now for the foreseeable future and I really am not used to sitting around. I'm still trying to exercise, but it doesn't feel the same I guess. This could be a mindset I adopted or something as a result of the huge change in my activity level, but whatever the cause, it has definitely led to some patterns of behavior that I am really trying not to stick with. But thank you again for your advice :)

[Cicero]

Thank you for your advice. You make a valid point; I used to swim like 8 or more months out of the year, and I've stopped now for the foreseeable future and I really am not used to sitting around. I'm still trying to exercise, but it doesn't feel the same I guess. This could be a mindset I adopted or something as a result of the huge change in my activity level, but whatever the cause, it has definitely led to some patterns of behavior that I am really trying not to stick with. But thank you again for your advice :)

Yes of course. Just try to get into another sport or try to exercise as much as you did if you feel. I'm guessing (only a guess) you are maybe burning 1800-2000 calories a day (look up on Internet to know more exact estimates) try to eat that same amount of calories you burn.