Pushy/Clingy

[Bluesman]

First of all this is very long, I'm asking that you please bear with me and try to get through it. This is big deal in my life right now and I really need help. I've posted here about this before. As of yesterday I'm dating the girl I've wanted for the past three years. I should be thrilled right now, but last night we already almost broke up. I should explain: I get to see her maybe twice a week. So far (over the past three weeks) we've had four chances to be alone together. Kiss, sit and talk, whatever it may be. We've taken one. That really upset me, and last night we got into a pretty serious argument about it. I thought I was handling it great, but obviously she thought I was being hurtful and we almost ended up breaking up after about 6 hours of dating. The reason? Evidently I'm very pushy and clingy. I don't know about pushy, but I know that I'm clingy. My last relationship (which lasted 13 months) was very clingy. The one before that (which lasted 5) was almost as clingy. Point being, for the past 2 years, clingy is all I've known. I want to change though. I realize that clingy can really fuck things up for two people who are 15 and 16 at the time. I just don't know how.. I really love this girl, and I know she loves me, but I'm scared to death that I might lose her over the way that I am, and that would hurt like hell. My idea of a good relationship is texting every day, talking on the phone once in awhile, hanging out maybe once a week if possible, and just doing fun things together. Another big thing though is that I like to know whats going on, in the sense that if she has plans for a day, or has to stop texting, or is going on vacation, those types of things, I like to know ahead of time. That's not be being a dick, that's in past experience I've had nothing but bad experiences with change. I hate it. Bottom line is that I don't think I'm being ridiculous, obviously she does. Any feedback? Advice? Right now I just wanna make this thing work... I'll take anything I can get.

[FreeFall]

Well you know your answer, tone down on the clingy (:
So you've had bad experiences and clinginess in your past relationships, it's not fair to you guys for you to keep that with you and treat this relationship like it will be the same. You two almost broke up after 6 hours of dating. You could probably tone it down with the need to know stuff too. It could come off wrong as if you don't trust her. If you'd like to know the next time she's free, you can ask that. Same if you've got something planned and send her 'a are you busy today' text.
You still should sit her down and explain why you've done what you've done, and hopefully she can understand. Don't say I want more time with you or I want to text call/you more or I'd like to know what's going on. Just explain to her your feelings and that you're willing to change. Good luck!

[Bluesman]

True. I mean we've been extremely good friends for years now, we can talk about anything. I know the key of making anything between me and her work is to find some middle ground between what she wants and what I want, something we can both agree on, and making that work. Clingy is bad, detached as bad too. There's just gotta be some middle ground between the two.

[FreeFall]

That's very true. So in your sit down you could seek a compromise? Honestly everyone seems to have a different idea of clingy and if you don't know it yet, you can find out what her definition of it is. Don't flat out ask it in a way that makes it sound like you're offended and are trying to prove you aren't clingy. Just casually ask her what she thinks is clingy and that you would love to compromise/change to meet her needs.

[Bluesman]

Very good suggestion.. Honestly I have no clue what she considers as clingy. I guess I do need to know that.

[unnamed94]

in my opinion, i hate it when people are too clingy. everyone should live their own lives, have their secrets, their plans, etc. being in a relationship doesnt involve sharing EVERYTHING with the other person. would it actually be that bad if you dont talk for a couple of days? are you that obsessed to know everything about the other one?

its up to you in the end. if you are not willing to change being clingy because thats how you are and thats what you expect from your relationship then end it. if you are willing to change that for her, then talk about it with her and stop being like that.

[Bluesman]

in my opinion, i hate it when people are too clingy. everyone should live their own lives, have their secrets, their plans, etc. being in a relationship doesnt involve sharing EVERYTHING with the other person. would it actually be that bad if you dont talk for a couple of days? are you that obsessed to know everything about the other one?

its up to you in the end. if you are not willing to change being clingy because thats how you are and thats what you expect from your relationship then end it. if you are willing to change that for her, then talk about it with her and stop being like that.

I'm willing to change. I'm not willing to change COMPLETELY. I want a compromise, ideally that I become less clingy and obsessive IF she actually shows a bit more affection. I dont think that me or her changing completely would be good at all, I'd rather have us both try to meet what eachother wants, and meet somewhere in the middle. So it'd be a more laid back relationship, but still a loving and strong one. But that's just me.

[workingatperfect]

I really don't see a problem with that. My last relationship was like that, where we texted every day, pretty much all day unless he was working or I was in school. We hung out a few times a week though. This was both in the beginning of the relationship and throughout it.
I would be a little put off if my partner passed up 3/4 chances to be with me.. And saying that you're unhappy with that is not pushy. You should be able to voice your opinion in a relationship. If you're unhappy with how something is going, you have every right to tell her without being accused of being pushy. And of course, if she thinks you're coming on too strong, there's also nothing wrong with her expressing that to you. That's what relationships are about. Being able to be open with each other and work out your problems. Just talk it out. Good luck :)

[unnamed94]

I'm willing to change. I'm not willing to change COMPLETELY. I want a compromise, ideally that I become less clingy and obsessive IF she actually shows a bit more affection. I dont think that me or her changing completely would be good at all, I'd rather have us both try to meet what eachother wants, and meet somewhere in the middle. So it'd be a more laid back relationship, but still a loving and strong one. But that's just me.

then tell her that. you should both be in the same place in your relationship and you should both be looking for the same thing. hope everything works out

[georgee1]

honestly whether it works out or not you have to work on yourself before you work the relationship. doing so will help you in relationships in the future. the person that cares less has the power in the relationship.

i didn't start kissing my girl until she brought it up to me that i never make the 'first' move because i was so scared that i would ruin what we had but in the end it ended up ruining it because i wasn't giving her the real ME i was to shy to give her the affection i really wanted to give her. don't give to much affection but don't give too little.

[Bluesman]

^I agree... I just think it's all about finding someplace that works for both of us. I actually told her that for this week we'd do it completely her way, for next we'll do it mine. We'll see what we like of both and find out what works for us. Fingers crossed!

[Curtis96]

to lazy to read, paragraph so it looks less

[Bluesman]

to lazy to read, paragraph so it looks less

....?