A new song I'm working on

[Jimmy Page]

So I've been working on this new song,but I just feel that there's something that could use some improving,I just can't decide on what part....
Could someone please help me by giving me feedback on it,and maybe tell me what I should work on a bit more,and maybe a few ideas on what to replace it with?
I call it Dve Nogi(Two legs,I hope,someone correct me if its wrong, I'm not expert :P )

I lay alone in bed
Drowning in darkness
Consumed by dread
Won't stop his whispering until I'm dead

There is a monster
Cold as ice
He's deep inside me
Hiding behind my eyes

His whispers cut
He's in control
I'm gonna kill myself
To make him whole
*next part I think is going to be spoken with the music running in the background*
Stop!
I won't let you continue
You can't stay any longer
I hate you,you hurt me
So GET OUT!

There is a monster
Cold as ice
He's deep inside me
Hiding behind my eyes

There is a monster
Cold as ice
He's not inside me
No longer hiding behind my eyes

[Breakeven]

i like it so far , i think its good :D

[LikeAJay]

I like it

[Foamy]

It's good. Very good.

[Smeagol]

This is really deep. It would make an excellent song. Have you got a tune for it?

[rocketedd]

Hi


Any song is a good song - for you - I write as well


so do you have guitar chords for this - if not its ok but thought I d ask.

I would try the spoken part then do the

His whispers cut
He's in control
I'm gonna kill myself
To make him whole

as thiis to me makes it stronger but it mabe depends on the music.

If this was for guitar strumming I would then pick thru the chords on the spoken part

[StoneColdNicky]

What kind of music do you play with it?