What Can I Do?

[FreeFall]

Trouble in paradise with my boyfriend of 1 year and 4 months. We get along great. Yesterday we were discussing cloned meat and the impacts it could have on so many things, then went to tickling each other crazy. But, he's always had this temper. When he's mad, he's actually close to rage. The very first "fight" I can remember is over text, when we'd been dating for about 2 months. I had just said, "I don't like when you shave your goatee :(" since he'd been talking about doing that. I got a wave of texts of how I needed to stand by him, not judge him, he'll do whatever he pleases with his body and I'll have to deal with it. I'm in shock, never had that happen before, and there's text after text coming my way. In my panic I sent one saying how it is is face, you can do what you want, I meant no offense by that. So he back-peddles, calling himself a jerk and he's sorry how could he have gotten so angry. I just ask him to leave me alone, I'll text him when I feel like it. 30 mins later he texts me asking if I'm alright, he's sorry, he doesn't want to hurt me. I text back. Fast forward to now. We've had fights over the course of our relationship and last night's is truly starting to make me feel sick. When we fight, I'm a deer in headlights but I'm calm and thinking, at least I try. He keeps going, not calm at all, if I pause too long to collect my thoughts, it makes him angrier that I just can't spew out my words like him. His goal when he gets like that is to hurt me. He has said: Other girls wouldn't treat me like this, I could leave you and find someone so much better, This fight doesn't matter you don't matter, and most recently You say something's wrong with me and I'm a fool to stick around. I've told him, when he was calm, that I hate how he threatens to leave me and the next time he does it he better mean it or I will let him go find that perfect girl. He once again apologizes, saying he's a jerk and he's just angry and all that jazz. Last night's battle, me getting offended when he snapped at me not to touch his stuff (I was trying to put his cell in his pocket, it was time for him to go home so I was just trying to be helpful in a cute way) and me saying there's something wrong with him if he'd really go out of his way to hit a squirrel. (He really hates squirrels) So I got the silent treatment as I drove him home, I knew there'd be a fight later after he did that. I'm right, I get a bunch of texts saying how he just asked me not to touch his stuff and I freaked out on him (I did say sorry for that cellphone thing before we got in the car, I didn't freak out either I just said fine, got up and walked away because I knew the storm was brewing and so put my shoes on) and if he wants to hit a squirrel, he'll do so who cares. (He can't drive yet) Of course at the end of the night, he's saying sorry he was mean but I just hurt his feelings. I understand this but, that's not my problem. My problem is nothing feels 50/50 when it comes to our fights. It is somehow always, always, my fault. Even when I've said, if he'd just dropped a subject I wouldn't have gotten so worked up and we wouldn't have exploded at each other. He said it's still my fault, I should've controlled myself. I'd recently told him he's got to work on his temper and get levels of anger, like asking himself is it really worth it to get so worked up over this. He'd asked me a long time ago to think before I speak (I had a problem with that, with tons of people) and I did. I feel like he's not listening, in my opinion last night would've been a great time to practice his levels of anger and temper control. I know I should tell him this, but I know I'll get the "well it's your fault" reply so why should he when I wasn't thinking. I'm assuming I'll get texts this morning that will either say I'm sorry about last night, or continue to attack me. I don't want to leave him, who really wants to leave someone they say they love? But I just can't seem to find a way that living like this will be good in the long run.

[StoppingTime]

I guess the first question would be, can you really see yourself with him much longer?
If he continues to treat you like this, then he doesn't deserve you. I don't know whether his anger is a true problem or not (true meaning he can receive therapy for it) but I was getting the idea that even if it was, he wouldn't want it.
It may seem bleak in the beginning right after you break up with someone; being alone and not really knowing what to do. But I certainly think it's better than being with someone who doesn't truly care about you.

[FreeFall]

Honestly, I can. When we aren't fighting, we're fantastic. And I mean fantastic. He bought me a pulshie for no reason last summer, just out of the whim surprise gift. He stayed on the couch with me when I had my wisdom teeth removed, even when I was sleeping most of the day. I didn't have a ride from the olive garden one night, he walked the entire distance from his house to where I'm at (a good 30 minutes for me) to make sure I was safe and took me home. He's done so much more of making sure I'm ok, protecting me and putting me first. I didn't ask for any of that, and I hate when he's walking at night I get worried about him. But in moments like this, I do question the relationship, and I hate it when I do that. And yes you're correct there. We, he and I, don't believe in therapy or counseling. It's just our personal opinion. Honestly though, if he's still angry today I just may get him some anger therapy book or something. I don't want to really quit on him unless my feelings do.

ETA: I can see us together, I wonder if I just needed to vent. But the anger, he does need to work on it.

[crazydude71]

My oldest sisters husband is like that, and my middle sisters sons father is like that. No offense to your boyfriend, but guys like that think that its still the early 1900's and think that women are a piece of property instead of a person. Because of my sisters husband, I have not seen or talked to her or my 11 year old nephew for 6 years, and my midde sister isn't gettin any child support from my 3 year olds dead beat father. Guys like this piss you off and blame everything on you and try to make you feel less of yourself and try to use that to control you, then they apologize a few hours later sayin, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, its my fault, not yours, it won't happen again," and then the next day, they're tellin you the same thing cause they jus went back on there word and did it anyway. I'm not tryin to tell you what to do, but honestly if it was me, the next time he said somethin like "I could leave you and get a better girl," id tell him to go ad find that perfect girl, cause were through

[unnamed94]

how can you not believe in therapy? its not like you can have an opinion on therapy as you are saying. if he doesnt change and keeps on doing stuff like that to you, and doesnt go to therapy becuase he 'doesnt believe in it', then i would tell you to end it. it doesnt seem like a healthy relationship.

[FreeFall]

I just don't.

Crazydude71, that's really sad. I really don't think he sees me as a piece of property, I do have my freedom whenever and wherever. But everything else you've said makes sense. I agree though, he hasn't pulled the "I'll find someone better" line since I told him he'd better mean it. If it does come up, that is my final straw.

I know it doesn't seem like it, but we don't fight that often. When we're good, we're good. When we're bad, it's horrid. Maybe that's why I'm holding out hope. Thanks to those giving me a dose of reality and what can happen. I feel a bit better.

[crazydude71]

Well, I was goin off of what my oldest sistr went through

[FreeFall]

Oh yes I understand that and it did sort of open my eyes. That what if he really wants to hurt me if I move in with him and he takes the car keys or something. I'm currently writing down basically everything I typed up there and what some of you fellows have said. I told him I really need to have a talk with him tomorrow. We're both fine today, chatting like nothing happened like we always do. But I really just can't be this time.

[crazydude71]

Fair warnin, but if he's like I think he is, and based on all that you said, y'all are more than likely gonna have a fight if you do it like that. He'll Prolly say things like "I can't believe you went and asked random ppl for what you should do instead of jus facin me about it," or somethin like that. Thas what I think, anyway

[crazydude71]

Fair warnin, but if he's like I think he is, and based on all that you said, y'all are more than likely gonna have a fight if you do it like that. He'll Prolly say things like "I can't believe you went and asked random ppl for what you should do instead of jus facin me about it," or somethin like that. Thas what I think, anyway. Who knows, he might understand this time.

[FreeFall]

Holy crap. I read what you posted in his voice. Right, I'll just tweak what you guys said to make it sound like it came from me and my worries. I keep changing around this little piece of paper, I'm mentally prepared for tomorrow. I got my big girl panties on and am fully prepared. If he explodes, I'll know I saved myself from being trapped in the future in a home because he took the car keys. If he understands, then I'm so happy to be on the path of progress.

[crazydude71]

Exactly what I was gettin at. Lol. You should be fine if you do it that way, he might get jus a lil bit angry, but it shouldn't be a complete blow out

[FreeFall]

He did get a bit angry but with himself and me for putting up with him. He said I should've just left, it's worse to know I stuck around when he gets that way in our fights. But we're good now and he's going to work on his temper and gain levels of anger (: progress!

[Candyone11]

I think he needs help controlling his temper. It could lead to real physical violence and nobody wants that. :( My mom told me that dating is the most beautiful and fun part of relationships and if during that time you're fighting with eachother serious problems will come about, to the point of life threatening. If you think he's not listening, I'm not sure. I have a similar "he doesn't listen" problem. Again, my mom suggested we take turns talking about how we feel about things with eachother for 5 minutes each and the other has to listen. I haven't tried it yet because I haven't seen him but maybe you and your boyfriend can try it. :)

[FreeFall]

We have. He's working on it, all is well (:

[unnamed94]

good for you both that you worked it out. whenever you feel you are going to fight tell him that he needs to control his temper.

[FreeFall]

I am. We actually avoided a fight and cracked up over it. I wasn't really paying attention when I was setting down our cups, I poured a cup for him and for myself, because he pointed my attention to the Tv and we started screaming at an MMA fighter to stop hopping away like a bird. The cup was set down on his phone by accident so it slipped over and spilled, not on the phone thank goodness. I said sorry I should've paid attention and went to get towels. I could tell he was going to do that "Yea you should've paid attention blah blah blah" so I turned around, stopped him at his first word and said "I've already owned up to my wrong. Are you seriously going to get yourself worked up over this?" He sat there with his mouth open then sighed and said no he's sorry. He helped me clean it up and he asked if he's gonna get gold stars on his Good Kid Chart. Obviously a joke so I said no not until after nap time, and for awhile we kept joking like that (: