Off the wagon... Again.

[HappyMaskSalesman]

I've been struggling for 4 years with cutting (about 6 with self harm in general and suicide attempts as early as 10 years old) and I guess I can't let it go. I've fallen off the wagon again, and the people I feel like I can tell don't understand why I can't just stop and be normal. I guess I'm just frustrated. I've been on medication before and it helped some, but when I hinted to my parents that I might want to go back on it they seemed... Disappointed. Meds are frowned upon in my house.

I just feel empty and I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. It hurts.

If I tell my parents then I could end up going back to a doctor who wanted to hospitalise me if I continued self-harm. If I end up hospitalised there is a major chance the university I'm attending in the fall will revoke my acceptance. I've denied all the other schools in writing.

This is literally destroying my future, and I... I'm not brave enough to stop.

[Jupiter]

Hey Girl.

I just want you to know that so many people in this community know a little bit of what you're going through, being a former self harmer myself, I know what urges are like and I know what it is like to feel completely alone. But I want you to know that you are never really alone ever again, cuz you have me. You can add me on skype or something and we can talk if you ever need to.

[OrKing]

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through; I've never suffered through self harm, but I know all about potential future ruining acts and chances. That is a really shitty predicament you're in, I'm so sorry; I know all too well what it feels like to be in a situation where you feel like you're screwed either way, but for me, they've always been fought through and I've usually come out of them stronger. (Physically, in one or two cases, lol) Please, just know you're never alone; there's plenty of people here who can relate to what you're going through, even if you do get the feeling that you're alone in the world sometimes; I know I have in the past.

One of the positives I did pick up from you're post is that you said you felt like you can tell somebody, I don't know whether their you're parents or a friend; either way, that's definitely a good thing; even if they don't understand, plenty of people, including myself, keep all that stuff bottled up and I can say from personal experience; that shit isn't healthy. I'll be honest, I don't fully understand why self-harmers can't stop either, I know what it's like to want to hurt somebody so badly but have to stop yourself for you're or you're family's benefit, but I can't imagine that guy being myself, even though I have hated certain things about my good self in the past, lol.

I pray you can find the strength to stop; you come across; at least from you're O.P, pretty damn intelligent and the fact that you've been able to pick a college and decline a fair few others hints you did well in school. Still, I can't imagine it could have been easy struggling with the SH issue as well as work and a social life, and I doubt Uni will be either; so please, for the sake of that, try and find the strength to stop yourself when you get the urges. And if you can't and you do end up going back on meds; I really do hope you get a decent doctor who understands the responsibility he/she has when dealing with you and how it can possibly effect you're life; which, if you feel you can, would probably be a good thing to say to him/her if he/she comes across as the compassionate type.

Once again, you're not alone. I really, really hope you find something or someone to help you through this struggle; and of course, there's always this community to vent to.

Sorry about the long post, once again; I've never been through a period of self harm, so I'm sorry if I've made any ignorant assumptions; I tried to relate my personal struggles to the SH struggle, but aside from a few things I've read here and there I have no clue how similar they are.

Later, and please, please stay safe.

[HappyMaskSalesman]

Thank you so much, both of you, for your kind words. It was nice to wake up to that.

I came here knowing that I may find someone who knows what I'm going through. One person I know IRL has gone through this, but as an attempt to keep a boy from breaking up with her, and it was over as soon as he did.

It's a friend I can tell. It helps, in a way, but I feel like I'm being put down sometimes... Like it should magically be over and I should be the happiest person ever. That, and the last doctor I had turned me into a zombie. That was fun :/ So thank you both for helping me face today on the right foot.