Fiction
July 7th, 2012, 07:32 AM
If you've been here a while you probably know me already, and if you're new and don't, i'm Kathy and I used to be one of the psychiatric ward moderators.
2 and a half years ago now, I started cutting. It started off shallow, small scratches, and gradually got deeper and deeper, and I now have an arm full of scars. 6 months after this, 2 years ago, I began to starve myself. I lost a lot of weight and damaged my immune system. Finally, a year and a half ago, I cracked. I was still cutting, I still had my eating disorder, and it all got too much. I overdosed and ended up in hospital. The experience of being in hospital destroyed me. My cutting got worse, as did my mood. A year later, I overdosed again. This time worse. I didn't tell anyone at the time, and woke up feeling like death, and throwing up. I was taken to hospital and given emergency treatment to prevent damage to my liver. Luckily my liver tests came back fine, but I was told I could have easily done permanent damage. I had never felt so depressed in my life. I'd wanted to die, and i'd failed, and now I only wanted to die more. I can't explain what I was feeling at that point, but I had no hope what so ever, just as I expect a few of you reading this will feel.
You're probably wondering what this thread is about. Well, I wanted to share somethings about my experience of the last few years, and to show you that things can get better. I want to show you that there is always hope, no matter how bad things get.
After that overdose my life took a completely unexpected change for the better. That overdose was only 6 months ago. I've stopped cutting, i've stopped starving myself and suicide hasn't been a serious consideration of mine in months. Life is unpredictable, and it has the ability to change drastically when we least expect it. I'm glad I didn't die. I'm glad i'm still here to enjoy what I have now. I'm happier than i've ever been, when only 6 months ago I was at my lowest point.
I've known many people on VT who where just like me. Who went through things far worse than what I have been, or who went through similar, and who ended up happy.
The world can be a horrible and difficult place sometimes, but that only makes you stronger and into a better person. I have horrible memories from my hospital visits that can still bring me to tears when I think about them, but I wouldn't change them for the world. They made me who I am, a stronger and better person, and they bought me to where I am. I never thought I would ever be able to cope with half of what I have done. It's given me confidence in my own ability to cope. We are all a lot stronger than we ever think we could be.
Don't ever give up. Take what you're going through and use it. One day it'll take you somewhere happy, and make you into who you want to be. I won't pretend things are perfect for me yet. I still struggle with cutting occasionally and memories of the past, and my weight, but i'm happy. It takes time and effort, but you can get there. It takes a mindset where you are the most important person. You need to look after yourself, and do things for yourself, and eliminate anyone in your life that puts you down, or makes you feel inadequete. Selfishness is half of the battle. Alot of us on here suffer with having too much empathy, with being too kind. Be selfish for once.
Happiness is always possible, it's just not always easy.
Thank you if you've read this far, and I hope that it helps at least one of you :)
2 and a half years ago now, I started cutting. It started off shallow, small scratches, and gradually got deeper and deeper, and I now have an arm full of scars. 6 months after this, 2 years ago, I began to starve myself. I lost a lot of weight and damaged my immune system. Finally, a year and a half ago, I cracked. I was still cutting, I still had my eating disorder, and it all got too much. I overdosed and ended up in hospital. The experience of being in hospital destroyed me. My cutting got worse, as did my mood. A year later, I overdosed again. This time worse. I didn't tell anyone at the time, and woke up feeling like death, and throwing up. I was taken to hospital and given emergency treatment to prevent damage to my liver. Luckily my liver tests came back fine, but I was told I could have easily done permanent damage. I had never felt so depressed in my life. I'd wanted to die, and i'd failed, and now I only wanted to die more. I can't explain what I was feeling at that point, but I had no hope what so ever, just as I expect a few of you reading this will feel.
You're probably wondering what this thread is about. Well, I wanted to share somethings about my experience of the last few years, and to show you that things can get better. I want to show you that there is always hope, no matter how bad things get.
After that overdose my life took a completely unexpected change for the better. That overdose was only 6 months ago. I've stopped cutting, i've stopped starving myself and suicide hasn't been a serious consideration of mine in months. Life is unpredictable, and it has the ability to change drastically when we least expect it. I'm glad I didn't die. I'm glad i'm still here to enjoy what I have now. I'm happier than i've ever been, when only 6 months ago I was at my lowest point.
I've known many people on VT who where just like me. Who went through things far worse than what I have been, or who went through similar, and who ended up happy.
The world can be a horrible and difficult place sometimes, but that only makes you stronger and into a better person. I have horrible memories from my hospital visits that can still bring me to tears when I think about them, but I wouldn't change them for the world. They made me who I am, a stronger and better person, and they bought me to where I am. I never thought I would ever be able to cope with half of what I have done. It's given me confidence in my own ability to cope. We are all a lot stronger than we ever think we could be.
Don't ever give up. Take what you're going through and use it. One day it'll take you somewhere happy, and make you into who you want to be. I won't pretend things are perfect for me yet. I still struggle with cutting occasionally and memories of the past, and my weight, but i'm happy. It takes time and effort, but you can get there. It takes a mindset where you are the most important person. You need to look after yourself, and do things for yourself, and eliminate anyone in your life that puts you down, or makes you feel inadequete. Selfishness is half of the battle. Alot of us on here suffer with having too much empathy, with being too kind. Be selfish for once.
Happiness is always possible, it's just not always easy.
Thank you if you've read this far, and I hope that it helps at least one of you :)