Lionized
July 4th, 2012, 05:42 PM
This is my first ever post here so please don't be hard on me.
I had been suicidal for the past two years, i'm turning 18 this year, and have grown a personal view of life in that time. A lot of latenight thinking is what got me to this stage of life where i am trying to find a reason worth living. The thing that got me suicidal in the first place is loss of motivation, goal in life and my identity in general. I didn't have motivation in anything i do cause everything i did, there's always someone that can do it better. Goal in life? after going 3 years to one school I've noticed that the professions that i will be able to do with the diploma are of no interest to me. I just looked back at the 3 years of my life wasted. But here is the main issue i had. I didn't know who i am. There was nothing that could separate me as a unique person. Everything that i was, someone else had a longer time commitment to that personality than me and that made me discouraged. I had a few relationships, but i ended every one when i noticed that my feelings in a relationship were just acts of emotion. After some time I notice that i feel nothing.
I'm a person that never did, and sadly, still doesn't believe in love.
Socially, i have trust issues.
This is the first time i'm venting about this to someone, i don't believe in psychology, and definitely don't wan't my parents to look at me as a nutcase.
I've gotten over most of this cause of one thing:
Art
That is what keeps me going. Art-styles are one of those things that are specific from person to person. Art lets me put my emotions on paper. The sheer feeling of creating something unique makes me feel good.
Other than that i have a plan in life to use my savings for private school later in life to get a diploma in a job that i find interesting as my mind matures.
This is my story and i hope everyone here gets trough their trouble.
I had been suicidal for the past two years, i'm turning 18 this year, and have grown a personal view of life in that time. A lot of latenight thinking is what got me to this stage of life where i am trying to find a reason worth living. The thing that got me suicidal in the first place is loss of motivation, goal in life and my identity in general. I didn't have motivation in anything i do cause everything i did, there's always someone that can do it better. Goal in life? after going 3 years to one school I've noticed that the professions that i will be able to do with the diploma are of no interest to me. I just looked back at the 3 years of my life wasted. But here is the main issue i had. I didn't know who i am. There was nothing that could separate me as a unique person. Everything that i was, someone else had a longer time commitment to that personality than me and that made me discouraged. I had a few relationships, but i ended every one when i noticed that my feelings in a relationship were just acts of emotion. After some time I notice that i feel nothing.
I'm a person that never did, and sadly, still doesn't believe in love.
Socially, i have trust issues.
This is the first time i'm venting about this to someone, i don't believe in psychology, and definitely don't wan't my parents to look at me as a nutcase.
I've gotten over most of this cause of one thing:
Art
That is what keeps me going. Art-styles are one of those things that are specific from person to person. Art lets me put my emotions on paper. The sheer feeling of creating something unique makes me feel good.
Other than that i have a plan in life to use my savings for private school later in life to get a diploma in a job that i find interesting as my mind matures.
This is my story and i hope everyone here gets trough their trouble.