First 3 pages of what I hope to be a Novel!

[KarkatLuv]

Hey guys, let me know what you think, be as harsh as you want, I want the book to be good, not something that shouldn't be published. Thanks! :D

[RedViper]

Quick question, do you like Harry Potter?

Also, do you mind if i copy and paste this and give you some suggestions throughout it?

Edit:

I got bored and did it already, let me know if you want it

Posts merged ~ Mike/ImCoolBeans

[KarkatLuv]

Yes I do like harry potter, but I don't believe that that effected the story :P did you think that because of of the protagonists?
I notice flaws, like how parts said eleven and others said thirteen, changed it to eleven :P
Yes, I would like that very much :D

[RedViper]

Emma reminded me a lot of Hermione

What I've written is in red.
Also if you're interested i've uploaded a new piece. Not a follow up to my other one though :P

Posts merged ~ Mike/ImCoolBeans

[Breakeven]

i think ur good , u should keep writing i like it so far :D

[darkwoon]

Ok, I've read those. Now comments, as harsh as I wanted ;)

I've had some trouble with your use of punctuation marks. Those are used to note the rythm of sentences, especially (but not only) speeches and dialogs. I'm not convinced you made the best use of it. At times, it is missing, at others, it seems not to be placed at the correct place.

Suggestion: read the text aloud as if it was a theater play (thus, give the proper tones and natural rythms) - it may help you better noticing where to place punctuation marks.

My main grip: it goes waaaaay too fast and it is waaaaay to straightly going. In three pages, we were fully introduced to the main protagonists, to the key introduction point of the plot (the dream) and to the possible stake at hand (the fate of a world). huhu. At that pace, we may have finished by page 20... It is even edging parody at times.

More importantly, you wanted so deeply to advance the story that you somewhat force it against the normal reaction of your characters. For example, the narrator is a 13-year-old sounding quite sure of himself (noticed how direct he was at describing his teachers and friends, never casting a doubt on if his judgement was right or wrong?) - yet he makes a weird dream full of sexy women, and takes the very first opportunity to tell about it to his friends.

Ok, now try figuring yourself dreaming of hot babes speaking non-sense in Lord of the Ring clothes, and you would tell about THAT around? Without even questioning if it is a good idea to do that? And even if the hero knew his friends pretty well and had full comfidence in them, what would be the most logical reaction he would expect from them? Probably something like this, I guess:

"Come on, said Tyler with a smirk on his lips, I often dream of hot chicks in less-than-covering clothes, and I don't really think it makes me special." He then turned to Emma and with a weird, smooth tone in his voice, continued: "I suppose you, too, can't help dreaming about nice stallions like, huh, some people you know, he?"
"I indeed often dream about hot chicks as well, but only in red attire" confessed Emma innocently to a bewildered Tyler. "But they never told me I was going to save the world, that's for sure."

Ok, I stop joking, but I think you get the point - your characters don't really appear to have personalities of their own.

I think you should take more time thinking about your characters, then introduce them in a more natural way, and don't rush out into the deep of the story too fast. And, of course, don't reveal things too early - else, you'll quickly run out of surprizing elements, and erode the pressure on the reader's mind.

Not sure it helped, but I tried anyway - I'll read whatever you'll write next about that project for sure!

[Jess]

wow this is really good so far. I like it. I can't wait for you to write more!

I've tried writing novels before, with no intention of sharing them though, and they all end up being stupid/abandoned.

[KarkatLuv]

Thanks for your very harsh reply, it will serve to be very helpful.

[darkwoon]

Thanks for your very harsh reply, it will serve to be very helpful.
LOL! I was joking about "harsh" - I hope I really wasn't! :)

[jamespep]

Well at one pount he is 11 then a line later he is 13 ogher than that woop woop good job

[KarkatLuv]

Well at one pount he is 11 then a line later he is 13

Yeah I noticed that almost straight after I posted my story :D error fixed. Anyway thanks!

LOL! I was joking about "harsh" - I hope I really wasn't! :)

No, you just helped me try and make my writing better :D