Nox Arcana
July 2nd, 2012, 09:57 PM
Greetings, I'm new here so I don't know any of you, and that's exactly the reason why I'm posting here. This will be a fairly lengthy post but I'd appreciate if you read all of it, I'm hoping for good advice. Also, this is the second time I'm writing this whole thread, for the same reason as the one I'm going to describe below.
I've lived quite a hard life, or so it seems. My family came from a distant land to escape a war and built themselves here from nothing, we have it really hard financially. I'm the black sheep of the family, I don't get along with anyone, never did and never will. My family is depressed and unemployed, does nothing all day and doesn't mind letting his children starve if feeding them would mean getting up from the couch, so my aunt does the shopping and I do the cooking nowadays.
My mother left when I was little, during a horrific phase in my life, and I recontacted and went to live with her years after that for a couple of years. Now she left again, but this time to work, on the other side of the ocean and I barely talk with her.
I was bullied in school and in my neighborhood for my color and my social incompetence for most of my life, and I've developed anti-social and self-hatred tendencies because of that. I have a huge fear of social environments, or of speaking to people I don't know, or even being near them.
Now the real problem, from a very early point in my life I knew something about me was odd. I learned how to write and read 2 years earlier than I was supposed to, and I learned so by myself. Instead of playing with other kids or interacting with people I would stay in my room and research on books. I created imaginary friends who I would talk and play with every day to cope with the loneliness. Eventually, these imaginary friends became full personalities, with their own beliefs, their own ways, their own thinking, their own stories. What difficulties and sorrows I had I would pour it into them as a coping mechanism, and their story would be mine, but morphed.
Not long after, I would shift to one of these personalities somewhere along the day in a matter of minutes, and act like a completely different person, I would be someone different for days and then shift again, back to myself or to another different personality; I also suffer a slight or complete memory loss when I shift. This weirded out the other kids, giving them another reason to bully me and for me to become anti-social.
At night it gets worse, and when I'm alone. Sometimes I shift through various personalities in a matter of seconds and exhaust myself, I end up not sleeping up to 5 or 6 days, until I eventually pass out and sleep.
The only people who I've ever told this are some friends online, and of those few who believed me, they would help me investigate it. These are some of the things we know for now:
My friends believe me to suffer from DID, dissociative personality disorder, although I have never been diagnosed with it. I fit every single symptom but refuse to self diagnose because it's unreliable.
I've never been diagnosed with depression, but it's obvious to me and everyone around me that I suffer from a deep depression.
I have a huge fear of social places, and I have a huge fear of mirrors, especially in the dark.
By age 10 I could speak 3 different foreign languages which I don't remember learning.
I was forced into having sex with my now ex girlfriend years ago, who was a psychopath and shattered me completely. I remembered it only a year after it happened. I have a huge aversion to doing anything sexual or to have sexual intimacy with anyone because of it, although it's been worse.
My best childhood friend committed suicide in my own home and I only remembered it years later.
I have no memory of 4th grade.
The song Con Té Partiró by Andrea Bocelli makes me remember moments with my father which I don't remember having and can't link to my current memories, which are already messy.
I have displayed at least 5 distinct personalities and memory loss when I shift to them. My friends have interacted with 4 of them.
There are various other things but that's as far as I want to take it. Now on to the actual dilemma.
My father is unemployed, I pay for my own things even if I live with him, he's unreliable. I can barely afford to keep myself fed, and I can't afford any type of professional help whatsoever, and my country is bankrupt and provides no support to the poor (the opposite actually).
My mother works on the other side of the ocean and she's the only hope of us actually getting out of this shithole, and her contract lasts for a year. If I told her this, if she actually believed me, she'd leave her job and run here to me, which is stupid but she can be very irrational.
No one in my family can be trusted, for reasons I won't mention.
Barely anyone IRL knows anything about this, and those who know don't care.
My friends online are trying to make me to make it public in real life and for me to seek help. The thing is, I've developed some affection for my personalities, I feel they help me cope a lot, and I don't want to get treated. They hurt the people around me, which is the only reason I am even considering this. Getting professional help is near impossible in my financial condition, and people around me would just freak out, there is literally no one I trust here.
Should I reveal it, or should I keep it to myself? I've already survived it this far.
I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, this is actually the seconds time I wrote this.
I've lived quite a hard life, or so it seems. My family came from a distant land to escape a war and built themselves here from nothing, we have it really hard financially. I'm the black sheep of the family, I don't get along with anyone, never did and never will. My family is depressed and unemployed, does nothing all day and doesn't mind letting his children starve if feeding them would mean getting up from the couch, so my aunt does the shopping and I do the cooking nowadays.
My mother left when I was little, during a horrific phase in my life, and I recontacted and went to live with her years after that for a couple of years. Now she left again, but this time to work, on the other side of the ocean and I barely talk with her.
I was bullied in school and in my neighborhood for my color and my social incompetence for most of my life, and I've developed anti-social and self-hatred tendencies because of that. I have a huge fear of social environments, or of speaking to people I don't know, or even being near them.
Now the real problem, from a very early point in my life I knew something about me was odd. I learned how to write and read 2 years earlier than I was supposed to, and I learned so by myself. Instead of playing with other kids or interacting with people I would stay in my room and research on books. I created imaginary friends who I would talk and play with every day to cope with the loneliness. Eventually, these imaginary friends became full personalities, with their own beliefs, their own ways, their own thinking, their own stories. What difficulties and sorrows I had I would pour it into them as a coping mechanism, and their story would be mine, but morphed.
Not long after, I would shift to one of these personalities somewhere along the day in a matter of minutes, and act like a completely different person, I would be someone different for days and then shift again, back to myself or to another different personality; I also suffer a slight or complete memory loss when I shift. This weirded out the other kids, giving them another reason to bully me and for me to become anti-social.
At night it gets worse, and when I'm alone. Sometimes I shift through various personalities in a matter of seconds and exhaust myself, I end up not sleeping up to 5 or 6 days, until I eventually pass out and sleep.
The only people who I've ever told this are some friends online, and of those few who believed me, they would help me investigate it. These are some of the things we know for now:
My friends believe me to suffer from DID, dissociative personality disorder, although I have never been diagnosed with it. I fit every single symptom but refuse to self diagnose because it's unreliable.
I've never been diagnosed with depression, but it's obvious to me and everyone around me that I suffer from a deep depression.
I have a huge fear of social places, and I have a huge fear of mirrors, especially in the dark.
By age 10 I could speak 3 different foreign languages which I don't remember learning.
I was forced into having sex with my now ex girlfriend years ago, who was a psychopath and shattered me completely. I remembered it only a year after it happened. I have a huge aversion to doing anything sexual or to have sexual intimacy with anyone because of it, although it's been worse.
My best childhood friend committed suicide in my own home and I only remembered it years later.
I have no memory of 4th grade.
The song Con Té Partiró by Andrea Bocelli makes me remember moments with my father which I don't remember having and can't link to my current memories, which are already messy.
I have displayed at least 5 distinct personalities and memory loss when I shift to them. My friends have interacted with 4 of them.
There are various other things but that's as far as I want to take it. Now on to the actual dilemma.
My father is unemployed, I pay for my own things even if I live with him, he's unreliable. I can barely afford to keep myself fed, and I can't afford any type of professional help whatsoever, and my country is bankrupt and provides no support to the poor (the opposite actually).
My mother works on the other side of the ocean and she's the only hope of us actually getting out of this shithole, and her contract lasts for a year. If I told her this, if she actually believed me, she'd leave her job and run here to me, which is stupid but she can be very irrational.
No one in my family can be trusted, for reasons I won't mention.
Barely anyone IRL knows anything about this, and those who know don't care.
My friends online are trying to make me to make it public in real life and for me to seek help. The thing is, I've developed some affection for my personalities, I feel they help me cope a lot, and I don't want to get treated. They hurt the people around me, which is the only reason I am even considering this. Getting professional help is near impossible in my financial condition, and people around me would just freak out, there is literally no one I trust here.
Should I reveal it, or should I keep it to myself? I've already survived it this far.
I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, this is actually the seconds time I wrote this.