Debating Going to the Hospital

[Alexithymia]

Note: this is not a thread about suicidal feelings or thoughts. This is just a thread about me missing the hospital, and all of those crazy feelings attached to that. I don't know where to post it since it encompasses all of the Psychiatric Ward (except Abuse and Mental illnesses), so I'm going to post it here.

So, I've been wanting to go the hospital recently. It doesn't matter if it's from a cut that's too deep or the mental hospital, but I have just really wanted to go. Partly because I know I can restrict my eating there, partly because I really have wanted to cut too deeply, and partly because my mood swings have gotten out of hand. I don't know what to do anymore.

I guess a part of me is worried. Worried that my friends won't be okay, worried that I won't be okay, worried that I won't be accepted into the school I'm applying to, worried that my mom won't be okay, worried that my dad won't be okay, worried about everything. So yeah, I guess more than a part of me is worried. Too much of me is worried.

And then I'm depressed. So depressed. I can't even think straight, I can't even move, I can't even enjoy the simplest of things. Everyone's yelling at me, I'm not good enough, I won't be accepted into that school, I'm not good enough, I'm too fat, I'm gross, I'm ugly, no one loves me, blah, blah, blah. It fucking drones on in my head. It never stops. I don't know what to do anymore, it's obvious to me that all of these things are true. And most of all: I'm not social enough. That's the big one recently. Why do I say this? Because no one knows me. Everyone knows of me, but no one truly knows me.

And then, some crazy part of me just wants to go back to the hospital for some awful reason. I don't know why I would ever want to, I've promised to myself that I would kill myself if I ever had to go back there (I even had a plan), and I've been there twice before, but still... I want to. I want to go. I want to be admitted, to be watched, to be with people that are as crazy as I am -- or crazier. Admittedly, most of them are there for drug use, but I might be lucky and find a guy that's crazy like me. Then again, most of the time it's women. It's not usually guys that are like this. But still, I might be lucky. But what if he's discharged before me? What if I don't get to talk to him? I might be lucky. I have to believe that.

For fuck's sake, I'm crazy. It's obvious now -- even to me.

I don't even know what to do anymore, suicide, live, or hospital? Three different options when I have trouble deciding between two. I don't know what to do, I can't decide. I've been there before but I don't want to go but I do want to go but I can't go but I have to go but I will be crazy but I will be a burden but I -WANT- to go. I don't know what to do, I just want to collapse. I don't even know if I want to see my psych Thursday, much less see him every day, but I don't know if I can until Thursday, but I need to see my therapist.

Holy fuck do I need to see my therapist.

But she'll just tell me what all of them tell me, "If you're having suicidal thoughts then I need to tell someone." Well, fuck. Do I lie and say I am having suicidal thoughts? Or do I be bluntly honest like I am here? What if they don't take me? What if they don't accept me? What will I do then? It would be so awkward? But I'm going to have fun tomorrow? But I'll be so bored, and so depressed? But what will I do? I'm going to dye my hair? But what if I don't?

Ahh.

I'm going to shut up now and post the thread. Maybe it'll get locked and I'll get banned, maybe it'll get some replies and my head will be calm, maybe it'll just sit here. Whatever happens, I'm glad I ranted.

TL;DR (Totally dedicated to you, Jo.)
I want to go to the hospital 'cause I'm crazy but I don't need to.

[Listed MIA]

hey, i'm really sorry to hear this. i want to say something helpful but i really suck at giving advice. it sounds like you have a lot going on. and like you said, depression makes it so hard to think and make decisions. i guess the best thing you can do is be honest if your therapist asks you if you are having suicidal thoughts. just be honest about everything. people won't be able to help you if you aren't. good luck. it all sounds really difficult. sorry i can't say anything more useful.

[Magenta]

Mark, don't worry, I read the whole thing. You know I'm always going to listen. You also know where to find me at any time (even if I'm not there, I always get everything).

The hospital is like a safety net. After we've been there once or twice, we know it's there to catch us. Sometimes it's like a security blanket. I felt almost at home in the hospital. I don't know how much I've told you about my stays but I know you know I've been there. Yeah, there was this appeal: I didn't have to hide, I was with my own "kind", I was loved and protected. But the hospital isn't the real world. It's for people in crisis, who really need someone right NOW. You've had the chance to make use of the facilities and that's where they give you the tools to try to get across the the drop without the safety net to fall back on. Because you're supposed to go forward, not fall and move back again.

You're not the only one who feels like this. I was ready to kill myself to avoid going back to the hospital after the first time. I actually did try, only to end up admitted again. When I was released, I was frantic because I realized what was at my disposal. But you're strong and, though you're the only one who will truly ever know if this is true or not, I don't think you need it. There's a sense of security there, yes, but then you need to find your security outside of the hospital, with your psych, therapist, family and friends.

There's a lot that goes on, I know. But you can work through it, one step at a time. I'm here to help. I do care about you, Mark, okay? You can come to me. Just be careful not to overwork your brain into the cycle of worry, discouragement, depression then repeat. It's exhausting and it traps you. It's addicting. Hospitals are addicting, self harm is addicting, depression is addicting. All of it is because it's familiar. But you can make new things familiar too.

I have to go out for a bit this morning but I'll be back later, I just wanted to make sure I wrote you a reply to this. <3 Give me a shout later, 'kay?

[Φρανκομβριτ]

If you're questioning going to the hospital, you probably should go.

Each province in Canada has a health line (here in Québec we dial 811 for infosanté) where you will be connected with a nurse. This may be of some help if you ahve this service.

You may also wish to try outreach centres. Here in Gatineau, we have a centre where you can go if you're feeling unstable. It beats going to the hospital.

If you feel like you or someone else is at risk, go to the hospital without questioning it.

[Alexithymia]

Thanks. I'm certainly not any better right now, but I think that i'll last until tomorrow, which is my psych and therapist appointment. I'm still not sure what exactly to tell my therapist, but I know what I'm to tell my psych. Though, that doesn't belong here, probably in the ED section if anything. But, regardless, I'm going to be all right. I don't know what I'm going to do, but this helped.

As strange as it sounds, all of your replies all me. I know that I should go and I know that there's someone who cares about me. So... for lack of better words, thanks.

[Caver]

It seems to me the stress of you trying to get in the school you want and all the rest going on is putting you in depression. You seem to be thinking about things too much rather than enjoying your summer holidays.