IcarusLives
June 28th, 2012, 10:48 PM
If any of you know me I was about *this* close to suicide last year.
Anyhow I'm not suicidal anymore. I still have thoughts about it from time to time, but barely, and nothing even remotely close to serious, like the position I was in back then.
The problem is I'm still fucking scared shitless that I'm going to fall back into my depression.
The whole experience as a whole has given me such HUGE anxiety about falling back into my depression that I need something to make me feel better.
Right now it's my girlfriend, she gives me back the self confidence I need to fill my insecurities, and is probably one of the best things to happen to me.
The problem is we're having problems in our relationship though, in the sense that she sort of is incessantly clingy... And pretty extraordinarily mean and blameful of me if she doesn't get everything she wants... And angry at me if I haven't texted her in ten minutes (pretty much literally)....
It's been going on for ages and we've talked about it, but nothing's really changed.. This is where shit gets confusing.
I want to break up with her to some extent, to move on with my life and be able to live it the way I want to, but it's hard for me to do... Let's put it in a metaphor so you guys can understand.
You're in the middle of the ocean and you're holding onto a rock jutting from the seafloor. The waves all around you are choppy, and in the distance you can see the shore of what looks to be an inhabited island, but you aren't sure if you'd be able to swim all the way there.
You might drown if you try, or get swept away by the waves off to who knows where.
You want to let go, to get out of where you are now and get to shore, but the fact is that rock that you're holding onto is the only thing keeping you from drowning right now, and you don't know if you want to risk it.
In other words, my girlfriend is the only thing keeping my insecurities about falling back into my depression at bay. Every day I remember how it felt, almost like a PTSD type of thing, and in a bunch of situations I'm scared I'm going to revert back to it, there's nothing I can do to stop myself from being stressed.
I love her dearly, we've had a great relationship and the qualities I loved and still love in her I can see and always will. I'd love to remain friends with her, but the truth is that I can't take what she's been putting me through in more recent times especially, and we've already tried talking about it and changing it a few times now, but nothing is... But at the same time I need someone there..
It's hard to know where to go from here. But that's my venting for the day I guess. Any suggestions would be great, and thanks to everyone on this board for bearing with me through all of my situations, whether I was depressed or pissed off, or even pissed off with you guys yourselves. I never meant it that way, it was just stuff I've been dealing with on my own.
Thanks in advance either way.
Anyhow I'm not suicidal anymore. I still have thoughts about it from time to time, but barely, and nothing even remotely close to serious, like the position I was in back then.
The problem is I'm still fucking scared shitless that I'm going to fall back into my depression.
The whole experience as a whole has given me such HUGE anxiety about falling back into my depression that I need something to make me feel better.
Right now it's my girlfriend, she gives me back the self confidence I need to fill my insecurities, and is probably one of the best things to happen to me.
The problem is we're having problems in our relationship though, in the sense that she sort of is incessantly clingy... And pretty extraordinarily mean and blameful of me if she doesn't get everything she wants... And angry at me if I haven't texted her in ten minutes (pretty much literally)....
It's been going on for ages and we've talked about it, but nothing's really changed.. This is where shit gets confusing.
I want to break up with her to some extent, to move on with my life and be able to live it the way I want to, but it's hard for me to do... Let's put it in a metaphor so you guys can understand.
You're in the middle of the ocean and you're holding onto a rock jutting from the seafloor. The waves all around you are choppy, and in the distance you can see the shore of what looks to be an inhabited island, but you aren't sure if you'd be able to swim all the way there.
You might drown if you try, or get swept away by the waves off to who knows where.
You want to let go, to get out of where you are now and get to shore, but the fact is that rock that you're holding onto is the only thing keeping you from drowning right now, and you don't know if you want to risk it.
In other words, my girlfriend is the only thing keeping my insecurities about falling back into my depression at bay. Every day I remember how it felt, almost like a PTSD type of thing, and in a bunch of situations I'm scared I'm going to revert back to it, there's nothing I can do to stop myself from being stressed.
I love her dearly, we've had a great relationship and the qualities I loved and still love in her I can see and always will. I'd love to remain friends with her, but the truth is that I can't take what she's been putting me through in more recent times especially, and we've already tried talking about it and changing it a few times now, but nothing is... But at the same time I need someone there..
It's hard to know where to go from here. But that's my venting for the day I guess. Any suggestions would be great, and thanks to everyone on this board for bearing with me through all of my situations, whether I was depressed or pissed off, or even pissed off with you guys yourselves. I never meant it that way, it was just stuff I've been dealing with on my own.
Thanks in advance either way.