Electra Heart
June 23rd, 2012, 05:07 AM
So in a nutshell, everyday, at least once, I go through this massive, massive downward spiral. It feels like the walls are simply collapsing in on me, trying to fucking suffocate me. If only they would, but unfortunately not. My vision becomes blurry, I essentially lose any will to live, or motivation to do very much of anything, I just quite literally lie down wherever I am staring at the ceiling, thinking I see shit that isn't there, thinking I hear things I'm not really hearing, it feels like an atomic bomb has gone off in the centre of my brain (Both literally, and figuratively given the intense migraines that come with this whole situation). I don't know whether to cry, laugh, scream, or stay completely silent. I usually end up doing a bit of both meanwhile, in my head I do all of them at the same time, I feel like it's fucking rattling my eardrums, it makes me want to rip them out. At this point I really don't know what the hell I'm feeling, by the end of it I become a bit scared that I won't pull out of it, but eventually that passes, and the cycle progresses.
Next is the loneliness, one of the worst really. I just feel so cold, not like, the temperature in the room has dropped, but rather it feels like there is a shard of ice through my heart. That is going along with the belief that I have one. Through this stage I quite literally feel that every single person I love, and care about (which is very few I might add) hates me, and wants me to die as much as I do. If there are tears shed of sorrow, they're shed here. I essentially feel dead. Usually roll up into a ball, put on some sad music, and think about how easily the world would turn if I bit a bullet, re-slit my wrist, or had some working men with cloths over their mouths scrape me off the sidewalk. (Around here is where I'll cut if I do. I don't always, but if I do, it starts here, and ends at the end of the phase). There's just this gut-wrenching, all consuming pain that I experience here, almost blinding. In my head I run through the visions of all that I love telling me I'm worthless, I'm nothing, all of their voices run through my head at the same time. I want to scream at them to stop, but it's like my mouth is tapes shut save the salt tears that trickle into it as I scream for mercy inside my head. Eventually I become less hysterical, and enter a different phase.
This one is more or less a recuperation process from the previous one. I simply just lie there, as opposed to before all of my muscles are relaxed. Sometimes I begin to taste the blood on my tongue seeing as sometimes through the previous stage I bite the inside of my cheek, my tongue, or my lip to the point of bleeding. I feel, almost this kind of... euphoria. I still feel sick to my stomach, alone, and a thousand other foul, and unforgiving emotions, but the sheer contrast in magnitude is very calming. That is until I the main part of the phase, self loathing. The previous phase was primarily about my fantasies of other people looking down on me while I am the defenseless victim. In this one however, I simply put forth all my effort into hating myself. I let each, and every insecurity pass through my brain, and magnify right before my very eyes. I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm not good enough, I'm unlovable, I'm unforgivable, I'm untrustworthy, I'm evil, I'm sadistic, I'm masochistic, I'm awful, I'm ugly, I'm a horrible son, I'm a horrible person, this goes on, and on, and on until my brain seems almost hoarse from bombarding itself with hateful things. Still relaxed, having gotten all the negative rubbish out of my mind, I move onto the next phase.
This phase I like most, and does the least damage to myself. Essentially, I just take a big step back, and view all my problems. How small they are in the great scheme of things, how insignificant. How I'll probably just loom back on this in 10 years, and laugh, and think how silly it was of me to do this to myself. Then I begin thinking about the stars... How much I want to be up there with them. Floating through space without cares, or worries, or motivations. I simply look out at the sky, or if I can't, I just pull up an image on my computer. I marvel at the beauty, and simplicity of the great masses of gases, that can form such beautiful, yet destructive things. I think about how someday... I'll be up there. My body will shut down, and my particles will eventually scatter across space, become stardust. I look up at the stars, and think, we were made of them, and some day, however near, and whenever occurring... I'll make it up there... The atoms, and particles that once made up me will embody the massive fueled power stations that light up our night sky. Or maybe even the sky of a race far, far away from here. I think about how much I can't wait to get there... How bad I want to see the great lights of things no member of our own race might ever see...
That concludes the intense, emotional process through which, very close to everyday I go through. Sometimes it skips a day, sometimes 2, even 3 can occur on the same day. The whole process could last 15 minutes, or hours. My family doesn't know about this, they probably never will. When this happens I shut my door, and haul myself up in my room for what can literally be days at a time. I really don't mind as long as I keep up with hygiene, and I have my music.
The only real unfortunate thing is that... When I'm not going through this cycle. I simply embody a twisted personality of all 3, mostly the 1st, some of the 2nd, and mere specs of the 3rd. At the moment I'm not going through it, I'm just being myself, but all I can invision are my insecurities, in fact in my daily life there really isn't a single time where I feel positive about myself. Simply because... I see nothing to be positive about in the life I live.
Next is the loneliness, one of the worst really. I just feel so cold, not like, the temperature in the room has dropped, but rather it feels like there is a shard of ice through my heart. That is going along with the belief that I have one. Through this stage I quite literally feel that every single person I love, and care about (which is very few I might add) hates me, and wants me to die as much as I do. If there are tears shed of sorrow, they're shed here. I essentially feel dead. Usually roll up into a ball, put on some sad music, and think about how easily the world would turn if I bit a bullet, re-slit my wrist, or had some working men with cloths over their mouths scrape me off the sidewalk. (Around here is where I'll cut if I do. I don't always, but if I do, it starts here, and ends at the end of the phase). There's just this gut-wrenching, all consuming pain that I experience here, almost blinding. In my head I run through the visions of all that I love telling me I'm worthless, I'm nothing, all of their voices run through my head at the same time. I want to scream at them to stop, but it's like my mouth is tapes shut save the salt tears that trickle into it as I scream for mercy inside my head. Eventually I become less hysterical, and enter a different phase.
This one is more or less a recuperation process from the previous one. I simply just lie there, as opposed to before all of my muscles are relaxed. Sometimes I begin to taste the blood on my tongue seeing as sometimes through the previous stage I bite the inside of my cheek, my tongue, or my lip to the point of bleeding. I feel, almost this kind of... euphoria. I still feel sick to my stomach, alone, and a thousand other foul, and unforgiving emotions, but the sheer contrast in magnitude is very calming. That is until I the main part of the phase, self loathing. The previous phase was primarily about my fantasies of other people looking down on me while I am the defenseless victim. In this one however, I simply put forth all my effort into hating myself. I let each, and every insecurity pass through my brain, and magnify right before my very eyes. I'm stupid, I'm fat, I'm not good enough, I'm unlovable, I'm unforgivable, I'm untrustworthy, I'm evil, I'm sadistic, I'm masochistic, I'm awful, I'm ugly, I'm a horrible son, I'm a horrible person, this goes on, and on, and on until my brain seems almost hoarse from bombarding itself with hateful things. Still relaxed, having gotten all the negative rubbish out of my mind, I move onto the next phase.
This phase I like most, and does the least damage to myself. Essentially, I just take a big step back, and view all my problems. How small they are in the great scheme of things, how insignificant. How I'll probably just loom back on this in 10 years, and laugh, and think how silly it was of me to do this to myself. Then I begin thinking about the stars... How much I want to be up there with them. Floating through space without cares, or worries, or motivations. I simply look out at the sky, or if I can't, I just pull up an image on my computer. I marvel at the beauty, and simplicity of the great masses of gases, that can form such beautiful, yet destructive things. I think about how someday... I'll be up there. My body will shut down, and my particles will eventually scatter across space, become stardust. I look up at the stars, and think, we were made of them, and some day, however near, and whenever occurring... I'll make it up there... The atoms, and particles that once made up me will embody the massive fueled power stations that light up our night sky. Or maybe even the sky of a race far, far away from here. I think about how much I can't wait to get there... How bad I want to see the great lights of things no member of our own race might ever see...
That concludes the intense, emotional process through which, very close to everyday I go through. Sometimes it skips a day, sometimes 2, even 3 can occur on the same day. The whole process could last 15 minutes, or hours. My family doesn't know about this, they probably never will. When this happens I shut my door, and haul myself up in my room for what can literally be days at a time. I really don't mind as long as I keep up with hygiene, and I have my music.
The only real unfortunate thing is that... When I'm not going through this cycle. I simply embody a twisted personality of all 3, mostly the 1st, some of the 2nd, and mere specs of the 3rd. At the moment I'm not going through it, I'm just being myself, but all I can invision are my insecurities, in fact in my daily life there really isn't a single time where I feel positive about myself. Simply because... I see nothing to be positive about in the life I live.