Tempted to say goodbye.

[Magenta]

Found new blades. Well, an old one but I'd lost it while it was still new. But I've relapsed so hard. Anything under 100 shallow isn't acceptable. The rest are deep... pretty deep. I can't stop shaking and I can hardly breathe and everything right now feels so tunneled and far away. I'm losing everyone, all my friends. No one wants to deal with my whinging anymore. I try to go away, I try to vanish, I try to kill myself but I can't do it well enough.

I stopped taking my meds again because I was planning my suicide in so much detail while on them. Now I don't feel better but I feel different, more frantic and erratic and I can't hold it together. On the meds I could stop cutting. Now I need it more than ever. It's summertime and I can hardly pull it together.

I am so desperate right now. No one is talking to me or everyone has had to sign off. I send messages to people that aren't responded to. Am I such a waste now? Is it just better to give up? I can't stop right now, I'm such a mess. I feel like I just have to die but I can't make myself do it so I cut "harmlessly" and just pray I'll slip. I can't think, I can't make myself believe anything is ever going to get better. I don't even know what anyone here can say that would help... I just don't know.

I'm very tempted to say goodbye because I feel my entire existence now is a suicide attempt. Nothing I do anymore is in my "best interests". I'm just falling apart. I've been falling apart for years but it's coming up two years of me being on VT... and I joined when things really started flipping out.

[xaydavis]

You are a special person who is needed to make the world complete and if people close to u are not responding that does not mean prepare xuicid it means you all need to talk and people on vt are here to listen we Are all connected

[Magenta]

I'm just not sure where to turn anymore. Friends don't want to stay friends with me. It's true, I'm a handful. There's very, very little I can do until I find meds that work. I miss my ex-girlfriend so much and what happened was all my fault entirely.

I don't want to cut. I really don't. But every time I do, it feels right. I want more scars, they're part of me, I want them. But I don't want anymore open cuts that I have to hide. I don't know how to get out of this.

[xaydavis]

Yes u do u know how to get out of this cuting is not the answer did i tell u when u hurt yourself u hurt others even if u dont know theyre hurting they are dont do it.

[Magenta]

I know this. But I've been self-harming for years. Almost ten now. I don't know how else to deal with stress and hurt and my friends are hurting me and the loneliness is hurting me. I don't know another way out.

[Smeagol]

Jo, you can always talk to me <3
All I can say is please don't suicide, I know that life isn't good now, but wait, the future has to have something good in store. Every moment of happiness that you have, living for those is worth it. I love you Jo, good luck!

[xaydavis]

Yes u do suicide or cutting yourself isnt and shall not be the answer we are doing our best to help and the fact that ur still talking to us we are doing good dont give up noe dont do it

[Magenta]

I just never know what talking will do. I'm getting desperate. I can't stand being in this much pain all the time. How to survive from appointment to appointment how to get people to understand what's going on. I've been in psychiatric treatment for years and I only get worse.

[Coolboi]

Jo don't do it there is more things you need to do yet . cutting I not the answer or hurting your self your life is way to important to harm your self. throw something at the wall releve some pressure ! Jo you rock cheer up if u need some one to talk to I'm on a lot an will talk with ya . please don't hurt your self an keep on posting !

[xaydavis]

Jo don't do it there is more things you need to do yet . cutting I not the answer or hurting your self your life is way to important to harm your self. throw something at the wall releve some pressure ! Jo you rock cheer up if u need some one to talk to I'm on a lot an will talk with ya . please don't hurt your self an keep on posting !

I agree 115%

[Anselmo]

I remember a girl who said she promised herself she wouldn't turn 17...now she's 17.
She is 17 now and i kinda admire her for that...

Why giving up now?? You could have done it before, but you didn't.
If i tell any of my friends that that i'm feeling this and that, they will probably not help until they realise it's something serious, maybe your friends haven't realised yet...

[Breakeven]

ily <3 im here if u need someone
ur strong , keep holding on :D

[Magenta]

I remember a girl who said she promised herself she wouldn't turn 17...now she's 17.
She is 17 now and i kinda admire her for that...

Why giving up now?? You could have done it before, but you didn't.
If i tell any of my friends that that i'm feeling this and that, they will probably not help until they realise it's something serious, maybe your friends haven't realised yet...

Unfortunately my friends have seen me in the hospital due to suicide attempts. I don't know how you could possibly not know it's serious after that... I think they just don't care or they're sick of it for the same reason I am: there's no quick fix. Well, there's suicide but I haven't done it yet.

[Klaudiax]

Are your 'friends' feeling alright over there? If they don't care then find different friends that will care however don't push it.
I've been through similar thing but I did regret that suicide attempt. You're 17 and you have so much going for you, I mean...you can possibly do anything the fck you want in this world and you just want to give it away just like that? I understand it hurts with all the friends thing etc but you can't just rely on those people, you will meet even worse people in your life, worse situations and you have to stay strong and handle them. Without cutting. It's like sweeping problems under the carpet that doesn't really resolve the problem.