First thing in the morning, last thing at night.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

I really don't know what to do anymore, the first thing I think about when I wake up is cutting. The last thing I think about before going to sleep... is cutting. I'm really struggling NOT to do it... Been clean for what... 4 months? I don't know, not been counting. I really don't want to mess up the last four months of not doing it, but now that I've started waking up again thinking about it, that I wake up and go straight for the blade, that I don't care that I want to do it on my arms, (partner doesn't like me doing it on the arms, doesn't mind on legs etc because they're easier to hide), that I don't care if I don't stop, I don't care that I may end up in hospital... or worse...

I just want to give in to the urges - get some control back into my life... get some release, that isn't through alcohol or ciggies or writing in my diary. I just want to see myself hurt. Physically. It's easier to cope than the emotional crap inside my head. I'd even take the guilt and the fear of someone finding out than what's going off inside my head.

I want... Need that release. It's the only option...

But then realistically, I know it's not an option all...

So many conflicting thoughts...

I can't do this.

[FullyAlive]

At the end of the day cutting will do nothing for your problems but make them worse, you think you can handle the guilt but it eats away at you, you don't really hide from your problems you just numb yourself to them which at the end of the day doesn't help it just makes them all the more harder to face when you do need to.

Do you see anyone like a psychiatrist? If not would you be willing to? Or even just phone a hotline and talk through stuff with a stranger. Talking really does help you think and see things in a new perspective.

As for these thoughts of cutting you need to distract yourself when I was at my worst I'd watch tv till I fell asleep so I never had that in between time stuck with own thoughts, that and listening to music whilst I slept which kept me relaxed I still do that. Have something near to your bed that will bring you comfort when you wake, I keep a photo of me and my late uncle along with a photo of my friends at prom. Having these nearer to me than my blades when I wake up helps me in fighting the urge. Try it? :)

[LoveMe_HateMe]

At the end of the day cutting will do nothing for your problems but make them worse, you think you can handle the guilt but it eats away at you, you don't really hide from your problems you just numb yourself to them which at the end of the day doesn't help it just makes them all the more harder to face when you do need to.

I know, been there already. I don't know all rational thoughts just go away when I'm in the 'zone'. Numbing them seems so much better than facing it - but again, I know it's not an option. I still feel the guilt of the scars that are left, but I'll have days where I like them, that they remind me of what's happened and that I've kind of got past them, but still if anyone touches them I freeze up and have a near panic attack. I don't know, I'm babbling again.

Do you see anyone like a psychiatrist? If not would you be willing to? Or even just phone a hotline and talk through stuff with a stranger. Talking really does help you think and see things in a new perspective.

I've been thinking about going to see one but there's been three things stopping me from doing so 1) I don't know how to go about going to see one. 2) I don't like the stigma that goes along with seeing one, y'know the whole "omg they're seeing a shrink" etc.. and 3) sometimes I wonder if it's worth going through the hassle... one of my friends went to see one a few years ago and she came out worse in the end... So I really don't know what to do...

As for these thoughts of cutting you need to distract yourself when I was at my worst I'd watch tv till I fell asleep so I never had that in between time stuck with own thoughts, that and listening to music whilst I slept which kept me relaxed I still do that. Have something near to your bed that will bring you comfort when you wake, I keep a photo of me and my late uncle along with a photo of my friends at prom. Having these nearer to me than my blades when I wake up helps me in fighting the urge. Try it? :)

I watch tv until I fall asleep anyway and that doesn't always work. I've not slept with music on for a while, so I might try that again. And I normally always have something close to me :/ but I will try the music thing, thank you :)