Help.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

How do you keep fighting when all the fight has gone out of you? When what ever you do isn't good enough, that you're just forgotten about, left in the dark, abandoned.

I just want to end it all. I need to get away, to, I don't even know, I just want out. The only thing that's still keeping me here is my partner. Nothing I do is right whether its at work, college or home life. Everything... I don't know, I have "good" days where all the urges and suicidal thoughts are to the back of my mind and on those days I think, wait a minute, I CAN do this - but as soon as I get home into bed and can't sleep it all comes crashing down... EVERYTHING from the wrongs I did ref. my ex, my parents, work, college, partner... Everything.

Every time I go down one of the roads I go down frequently I break at the last minute and think, maybe this time I wont break in time. I just want to be "normal". Be happy. There's no other way. Stopped cutting but I just think that's just made everything else worse.

I take everything for granted, I look at everyone else and think they have more of a tough time than I do, so why the hell am I like this?! I can't stand it, I'm just such a selfish person.

Sat here drinking wine straight out of the bottle, trying to forget... Is that bad?

I want out.

I think I need help.

Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, I fall further. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Fiction]

Listen, attempting will push you the a rock bottom lower than you've ever been before. Really, What do you expect it to help? You end up in hospital feeling lower than ever before. Believe me, i've been there twice.

I apologise if that came out harsh, but i'm just trying to say suicide is not the answer. It's much easier to ask for help, than to attempt suicide. It's alot less traumatic, and there's no risk of permanent damage to your body.

Life changes constantly in small ways. All it takes is a small change and everything can be changed. Suicidal thoughts from what i've seen and experienced form through bad experiences, and then these bad experiences changing your outlook on life, and then this outlook giving you a negative perspective of almost everything. By saying that I am in no way blaming you for how you feel, the negative outlook that follows bad events is a defense mechanism.

From your talk of regrets, I would imagine there are issues from the past, and these probably still effect you daily? My advice is to somehow change your perspective. For me this happened when I changed my life. I moved to college and made new friends. my perspective of life changed, and my perspective of my past changed. With negative things in my life all being in my past, and my perspective changed, I can genuinely say i'm now happy.

Obviously changing your perspective isn't always simple, but I believe that in life, things are changing so rapidly, it's bound to change at some point, and to give up now and miss out on being truly happy would be a tradgedy.

I attempted twice within a year. The second of those attempts was only 5 months ago. I don't regret them. I did, for a long time, they caused me a lot of pain, more than I can describe. But they changed me as a person and made me who I am, and that I wouldn't change. Your experiences too will change you, and one day you can stand proud of who you are.

As for the wine, it won't help in the long run. I use alcohol to cope regularly. I'm usually drunk, alone a few times a week. It's then when I end up the most depressed, and hangovers at college are not fun, so try and lay off it a bit :p

Keep strong. Feel free to talk to me if you ever need any help :)

[LoveMe_HateMe]

In all honesty, it didn't come out harsh at all, I know suicide isn't the answer but, I don't know. I want a way out.

I've done the whole going to college. Been for two years now, first for A-Levels and now for a diploma. I can't change my perspective on life... I don't know how. I can't ask anyone for help. I'm not, I don't know I'm not that kind of person anymore. I can't... I just can't open up to anyone fully anymore and its putting restraints on my relationships. I've lost all my friends. Pushing my girlfriend away, my parents away. I... Doing the course that I'm on now has just made me realise WTF am I doing. I only feel isolated in the class. Everyone has their friendship groups. Everyone is a lad. I don't fit in. Not in college, not at home, not even in my friends. I just don't belong. I just can't do this. I feel so lost, so alone.

I don't even care about my future anymore. I don't even know what my point is anymore and I doubt this is making much sense at all. I don't know, I'm sorry.

[Fiction]

In all honesty, it didn't come out harsh at all, I know suicide isn't the answer but, I don't know. I want a way out.

I've done the whole going to college. Been for two years now, first for A-Levels and now for a diploma. I can't change my perspective on life... I don't know how. I can't ask anyone for help. I'm not, I don't know I'm not that kind of person anymore. I can't... I just can't open up to anyone fully anymore and its putting restraints on my relationships. I've lost all my friends. Pushing my girlfriend away, my parents away. I... Doing the course that I'm on now has just made me realise WTF am I doing. I only feel isolated in the class. Everyone has their friendship groups. Everyone is a lad. I don't fit in. Not in college, not at home, not even in my friends. I just don't belong. I just can't do this. I feel so lost, so alone.

I don't even care about my future anymore. I don't even know what my point is anymore and I doubt this is making much sense at all. I don't know, I'm sorry.

I understand all of those feelings. I didn't know how to change my perspective on life either, I still wouldn't know how too if it happened again. What i'm saying is that it is something that just seems to happen. To me it seems a part of growing up and something that we just have to wait for :/ I know it's painful, but there is hope.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

I don't have the patience to wait. I want to change, get better, I don't know - but I'm too lazy to do anything. I think in a way me not getting help is my way of punishing myself.

My hope for anything has slowly diminished over the years, I don't even know if there's any left. I just can't see how I can have hope when everything I do I mess up...

Thank you, btw :)