I don't even know

[ImCoolBeans]

I don't know, maybe actually posting and sharing some things with you guys will possibly do something. But this might not even be around tomorrow, might delete it.

I've never felt so hollow, empty, dissociated or ill in my entire life. Things seem to be going good, but despite how good they might seem right now I'm beyond unhappy. I came out to my mom recently, I've had a few date-type things with some guys that I'm interested in, the school year is ending - I should be happy, right? I'm the total opposite. I feel depressed to the point where I feel sick. I could vomit right now over the way I feel. I'm selfish and stupid for feeling this way, but I can't even help it. I can't even cry any more tears right now, my eyes have run dry.

I feel like a total waste - a waste of space, a waste of energy, a waste of care, a waste of time - I've always felt this way; but recently it's just gotten to the point where I don't even care anymore. I can't find the will to care about myself at all, it's just not there. The only thing I want/care about seems so out of my reach right now that it keeps me up at night. I've never wanted anything or anyone more in my entire life but it doesn't even matter because I'm a selfish waste.

There is no getting better for me. This is as good as it gets - fucking miserable. I can bitch and moan about my life all day long but I doubt it's even relatively bad at all, I just look for things to get upset about because I'm a selfish prick. I have no self esteem, no confidence in myself and I'm losing a lot of my composure. I'm incapable. There is just nothing that I can do right. I don't even know what I'm asking for here. I guess I just want help.

[StoppingTime]

Mike, you aren't selfish for feeling lost and unhappy right now. Just about everyone will feel like this at some point in time, but not many are as brave as you. To talk about it on a website with many pople you don't know, and to look for ways to improve. It may not seem like it, but that really takes a lot. It means that you want things to improve, and you haven't given up.
As I read in your previous post, your mother seemed perfectly fine and accepting when you told her. You're right, things are going well, but yet, there is something nagging at you.
---
This doesn't make you a horrible, selfish person. It makes you, simply, a person. Don't let this thing that you are striving for get the best of you. You are stronger than that, without a doubt. From reading this alone, you seem to be extremely appreciative of everything you have. Don't let this thing keep you up. You can reach it, but, a key part to that is believing in yourself.
I can relate easily to the low self esteem, and it keeps me from trying to do things that I would benefit me. It's no easy task to overcome. Think though, is what you are striving for worth your confidence and self esteem? If it is, then focus on it. Don't exhaust yourself over it, but convince yourself (one of the hardest things to do, in my opinion), that you can do it. You will get there.
There is no selfishness going on here. This task is individual; not necessarily connected to other things that are going on in your life, which are benefiting you.

And don't worry about how these problems compare to those of others. It doesn't matter in the slightest. This is your life, and you are going through your struggles. You aren't anyone else, so there is no reason to compare this to their problems.

I don't know you in real life. But, I do know who you are on here. You are helpful, courteous, and willing to help anyone who asks. You certainly aren't incapable there. And, to come out to a family member, that shows that you were ready to take a huge risk, and battle it head on, and come out the other side. That certainly isn't something that someone with no self confidence would do.

[Dimitri]

Mike, you, selfish, nooooo...

Hun, you are constantly helping members here and I am sure you try in other ways.

Also, congratulations on coming out to your mother and the dates. I also think that this is the time for me to throw around a cliche, good things come to those who wait...I kept dating and I secretly dated one other guy, I had about 6 girlfriends but none of them compare to the last 6 months that I have spent with Joshua.

Good things come from those who wait.

Message me if you want to chat, I am always open to chatting, you know that...hmu man.

[ImCoolBeans]

Everything I have just turns to shit in the end anyways, so I don't even see the point anymore in trying. There is no positivity in my life, no upbeat, no hope. I've felt this way for years, and it's only gotten worse, showing no signs of getting better.

I have something to work for, but that distant hope fucking crushes me. Every time. Every fucking time. I'll just keep whining about it I guess until I go to bed and repeat today on a new day, but with the same shit. It never ends.

[Dimitri]

Well try throwing something new into life...go a different way to work, meet someone new and make a new friend.

Change things up a bit. The possibilities are endless.

[ImCoolBeans]

Well try throwing something new into life...go a different way to work, meet someone new and make a new friend.

Change things up a bit. The possibilities are endless.

That won't change a thing besides the way I get to the end point. I don't care about anything anymore, I just don't want to be an empty shell for my entire life, which is starting to look mighty fine at this point. I don't even know what I want anymore. I have friends, I have a job, I have some other shit I guess, but none of that matters. I don't let my friends get as close to me as they think they are, I go to work because if I didn't the money we have would be even less, and I just don't see the point in any of it anymore. I'm being cryptic and hiding things, but thats just the way I am. I don't let people in, and thats the way it's always been. I want one thing, but I just don't even know.

I'm sorry for being stupid, and not even making sense.

[Scarface]

no one here seems to get it, I'll be in contact soon hun, we'll talk.

[Coolboi]

mike sometimes our life sucks u no I lost my mom an u told me I can do it bee strong ! was the worst day in my life I listen to you ! am a lot of other kids here look up to you for every thing you have done . I want to puke thinking bout what you said dam you are strong an bad ass boy a leader look up an say wtf out loud come on dam it ! cool beans I read ur post an luv to see what's next u rock dude . I hope you feel better an I no it sucks sometimes let I out an vent all you want no holds bared vent you got a lot of friends on vt rooting for you lol . we all luv ya bro  if u need to yell hit me up .I'm here

[Lost in the Echo]

Damn that sounds pretty sad. SERIOUSLY, you should see a counselor.

[Fiction]

Mike for a start, you're not selfish at all. You've helped me and so many people here so much, and you've done that completely selflessly.

I understand that feeling. I know people will say this over and over again but it can get better. It did for me. I spent years and years feeling how you did. Getting progressively and progressively worse. I hated everything in my life. My parents, school, friends.. just everything. It was like a self- fulfilling prophecy. Things going wrong in those areas changed my outlook on life, my outlook on life made those things seem worse and I just fell further and further into depression.

Now, correct me if i'm wrong, but it sounds like this is something similar?

All it took to completely change my life was a change of scene, and a change of the people surrounding me. I moved to college, found new friends, started a new relationship, and right now I am genuinely happy. I haven't been that for as long as I can remember. What i'm trying to say is however hopeless it seems, there is always hope. Things can always change, and it may take less than you think it does.

I'm not going to tell you there's a quick fix for this, or that I can guarantee things will get better, because of course, I can't. I'm just trying to say that life can take a turn drastically is a short space of time, when you least expect it. This change in my life began to happen the day I was released from hospital in January after my suicide attempt. It took it's time for me to completely recover, but I feel completely blessed by my life right now.

Never give up hope Mike. :) "Good things come to those that wait" is a good phrase to use here I think. You know where I am if you ever need to talk.

[LoveMe_HateMe]

To be honest, I can't really say much apart from the fact that I understand how you feel and that you aren't alone, no matter how it feels, there will always be that someone who cares.

Looking at the previous comments, it sounds like you aren't selfish AT all. You need to stop telling yourself that you are.

Sorry, I guess this post isn't helping much, I guess I've lost my ability to talk/help people... ALthough I suppose the wine doesn't really help either...

But Bulbasaur, Squirtle and Charmander will ALWAYS be the best starter pokemon.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, or have someone to rant at, you can message me, it's no problem at all :)

[that94guy]

Hey I have been feeling the same too. Trying to live this life day by day, without consiousness. It's like there's a big cloud inside my head but I don't know what it exactly is. Sit there, have random thinkings and do nothing. Just feel totally depressed because of it.

But I always believe things will get better. Not now, but one day it will be.