Untitled

[drsonoma]

I don't know what the hell to title this post. I don't know what the hell I'm feeling right now either. The thoughts in my head change every few seconds, and I feel like I'm going to snap. Since my dad's death on 25 April 2005, I find myself growing distraught, and more apathy feelings. As to my own life, I don't care that much. There isn't much that keeps me part of the game, and I have only two guesses on that. For one, I promised my best friend that I wouldn't kill myself, and he can tell when I'm depressed. I find that I don't enjoy shit out of life anymore. I don't care about really anything. I've tried caring about life, but it seems like whenever I do that, something happens. I watched my father die of heart disease for eight years. I was with him through the best and the worst times. I'd seen him have heart attacks, and other shit like that. Not complaining, but I feel that I might have not helped him as much as I could have. All those times I spent with my friends, and shit like that. I've also found the ability to think rationally has dropped too. A couple of months ago, I could think out any situation. Now, the most simple situations, (Like typing something coherent), appears to be a difficulty. As to friendships, I don't believe is dropping, but I find that talking to my friends has become harder, due to the thoughts I think about for hours at a clip. I don't tell my best friend, who is like a brother to me, most of what I think about. I just remain in silent mood. I've found that telling people personal thoughts can bite one right in the ass. Either that's just me being a untrusting, paranoid bastard, or it's true. I don't know which at this point. I very seldom feel in a decent mood, and I can feel the tension, the rage inside me building to the max. When I'm at social events, I don't care to approach people and say anything. I believe that is awakward for someone like me. I don't have any conversation with most people, probably nothing they'd like to discuss. Some months back, I brought up my feelings to my doctor, and he recommended me visiting a shrink, which I didn't do. I apologize if this post seems long and bitchy, but I've got a lot on my mind at this point.

[CrazyBeautiful69]

Hey..
First all of please don't apoligize. I think you and me have alot in common or at least we did. On March 26th 2005 a good friend of mine past away (Suicide), and I think what I felt after that, Is what you are feeling too. I thought that I could of helped him more Or I could of been there more, kind of in relation to what your feeling. It's taken me until now to finally pull myself together, and Its been 8 months, and believe me I still have days in which I struggle to even get myself up in the morning. I don't know what kind of person you are, or what kinda of things you believe in but this is what helped me. I recently started a medetation class, and then visited a pyschic, for a reading. She was able to help me more then anyone else. I was unsure about if what she was telling me was the truth but she said alot of stuff that she shouldnt of known and I do now trust in what she said. Friends are also a big part in what helped me, they kept me alive. I know If I hadnt of had them, Imight not of been here anymore. You need someone you can talk to and trust. It sounds to me that you've been through alot, more then people deserve to go through. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here and If not, I wish you total luck. You just gotta stick through the rough parts, good things will happen eventually and your life will get back on track.
-CrazyBeautiful69