Called Fat

[Alexithymia]

Now, I don't usually like to post. I know this sounds dumb, but I hate posting when I never help. And I know I help a bit, but recently I just haven't found the strength to. However, I suppose I should just shut up and let myself be helped so I can help others. Ironic, isn't it? That to help others we first have to help ourselves? Anyway, I'll get to the point here.

I was called fat by my friend.

I don't think I've had an eating disorder before, not even an EDNOS. Disordered eating, yes, but not an eating disorder. But now... What will happen if I keep eating? What will happen if I stop? What will happen if I just lose a bit of weight, then eat quasi-normally? What will happen if I can't control this? What will happen if I stop eating then start again?

I know the answers to all of these, yet they bounce around in my head, taunting me to just stop eating. I know that I can't stop eating, at least not entirely. I'm too weak for that. I know that I should be able to just -stop-, but I can't. And no, I'm not pro-ED. I don't -want- this. I just want to be skinny. And I want to stop eating. But I like eating. But eating is bad for me. But it's actually good for me. But it'll make me feel better. But it really won't. But it'll make me skinny. But it really won't. But I need to stop. But I really don't. (Note: that's all true, the back and forth conversation I just had with myself. Just different parts of my mind seeing different parts of reality.)

I don't know what to do anymore, and I know this thread is pointless. I just want to die sometimes, so then I would be skinny as fuck. But what would people think? But I can't. Ugh, I have too many questions, but I know I can find the answers to them. I'm sorry guys, I'm really sorry. For what? Probably the fact that I'm going to stop eating. Or at least limit myself. Fuck my hunger, it's crazy anyway from the meds. I just need a bit of food every day, and then I'll be happy.

I'm sorry. This thread is pointless like I said. I just wanted to get my thoughts out. (And I wanted people to see it which is why I didn't use a blog.)

[Mortal Coil]

May I ask what meds you're on? And please, don't start starving. I don't have experience with anorexia/anorexic behaviors nearly as much as I do with bulimia, but I can tell you that an ED, once developed, becomes an addiction not unlike cutting. There are plenty of healthy ways to lose weight.
And you're NOT fat :D

[Alexithymia]

Remeron and Abilify. >.< Thanks for calling me not fat, but you haven't seen me. I may not be horribly overweight, but I am slightly.

Additionally, I know there -are- ways to lose weight healthily, but I want to lose it unhealthily. Just like I want to cut, it's the same thing. I don't want to have all the problems associated with an ED, I just want to be thin. Thin enough to prove everyone wrong.