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ets99
June 15th, 2012, 01:11 PM
Don’t Look Back

Chapter One
The narrow alleys of the big city where home to piles of debris that were left behind. Tall skyscrapers were reminders of bustling streets and crammed subway cars however; we had nothing to show for it now. I was in what used to be New York City.
I was one of the abandoned kids. All the adults where sent into the past five years ago to create a better future for us. My dirt bike slithered its way through the abandoned taxi cars and other vehicles. I was looking for a place to stay the night because I had nowhere else to go.
I pulled up to a high end apartment, but hurried because it was getting dark. If you stayed out too late you’d be jumped for your supplies, which were surprisingly scarce for the few thousand kids in New York. As soon as I stepped in I noticed three things: a generator was running, lights where on, and there was a boiling pot on the stove. Someone was recently here. Before I had time to turn around and bolt a girl around the age of fifteen burst through the door and pointed a loaded gun at me.
“Drop your bag!” she demanded. I let go of my bag still holding onto my keys. “Put your head on the counter! Hands behind your back!” I laid my head on the counter. Slapping a pair of cuffs on me; “What do you want?” she questioned.
“Well,” I responded, “I need a place to stay the place the night.”
“I guess so… but don’t pull any crap with me.”
There was a sense of awkwardness as we sat down at the table and ate, I started a conversation.
“I was planning on stealing a car and driving to Atlanta”, I said “I have cousins there, I figured it would be best to stay with family you know, for safety.” “What’s your name?”
“Lily Rodriquez” she replied, “What’s yours?”
“Kary Westinghouse” I answered, “So now we know each other.”
“I think we do” she said, “I think we do… ”
I woke up early the next morning but my back ached. I was provided a pillow, sheet, and blanket, but nothing was like my bed at home. I missed the cold in Minnesota and making Snowmen on freezing winter days with my older brother, who was taken because he was 18 and he was not evidently a child any more.
It was blistering cold that morning as I rode through the weeds peeking through the pavement. I was almost to the Volvo (The car I was to take), when a car with loud music pulled up beside me. Before they had time to blink I was gone and down the road. They didn’t follow. As I drove I wondered what would have happened to me, If I hadn’t pulled away. What would become of me? What would they do to me?
I stopped by the house for a final farewell, and to thank Lily for the night.
“Good luck Lily.” I said.
As I started to walk away I heard her say something.
“Kary, can I go with you?” she asked.
“Well” I replied, “I’m sure the 888 miles to Atlanta will be fairly lonely, so yes!
I tried not looking at the mirror as I drove away from my past.

Chapter 2 Coming Soon!

Masaomi Kida
June 15th, 2012, 09:53 PM
Hm...well, what exactly do you want? Do want a critique or just our thoughts..or nothing at all?

Meh, doesn't matter, I'll give my critique anyways.

First: fix some spelling and grammar and you should be good to go for the most part.

Second: Dialogue. I'm shakin' my head right now. It is not carrying its own weight. Try to make it flow better, add more narrative to it, use it as an opportunity for characterization.

Third: Missed opportunities...
Why didn't you tell us was breaking into a house not even his own? We don't know that at all. I will give you the first paragraph however. If you fix some grammar and spelling, it's very good and sets the tone well enough.
The problems start at the whole entering the house part.

You missed it!

So much could have been done from the time he walked in to drove away! If your going to make this your first chapter, than make it long enough for us to earn a sense of who the characters are. Your intro gave me the situation, the rest of the chapter gave me nothing.

Then comes the aspect of suspense and fear:
There is none!
The part when he enters could have been so,so,so much better than it is.

With suspense and fear comes character:
None-existent.
Really no one more than a name. The way he handled the situation as a whole could have been expanded upon and used as a tool for-dare i say it-characterisation. Why does he choose to run instead of stay and fight? Why is he so sure running away is the best course of action?

Same with the chick. She's nothing more than a name.
How did she get so freakin good with a gun? And how did she get cuffs in the first place?
(aren't adults-which is to say cops-currently in the past?).

Then comes time.
Another firm shake of the head for me.
Why is time flying by so fast? Isn't the fact that he got stopped and offered rest a BIG deal considering his situation? Shouldn't he be more forthcoming as to the events of the night as a whole?

Fourth Problem:
Where in the blue hell are they?
What does the room look like?
The halls?
The room?
The car?
The girl?
:S

I'm sorry but I don't even have an inkling as to what anything looks like. I'm blind here.


And last but not least, make the first chapter longer. Much, much longer than this.
This amount of words is too little to make a resounding impact on any of us.

What i say is this:
If your gonna make a fist chapter, make it about 1000-3000 words, and make the entire chapter about that fateful night when he met that girl. Show us who he is, why he is, what he wants to do, and why, and try to smuggle some of her in there aswell.

.....
Ooops, wow, that was long, but you get the point. Make the first chapter count buddy, your intro is great, but the rest didn't even come close to hooking me.

Good luck anyways man.

ets99
June 17th, 2012, 03:34 PM
Ha Ha... I figured this was coming! This was a narritive I wrote in 4th grade, but was rejected because of the amount of violence included! Jist found this while cleaning out my USB. LOL