Right now... life sucks

[Underground_Network]

My life has sucked ever since 5th grade when my best friend moved away. When he moved away I lost all my friends, we had a huge group of friends, but when our "leader", Justin, left to go to a different town our group of friends collapsed. Ever since then I've had trouble making friends.

I was always good at befriending the outcast or the new kid, but then, eventually, I myself became the outcast. As of right now I have no great friends. No one that I keep in contact with, no one that I talk to constantly, etc. All my friends have stabbed me in the back, and most of them now ignore me. They treat me like shit, but I can't leave them, because I don't want to be friendless.

I have a fear of dying, but I want to die. I'm so fucking confused (excuse my profanity, but I'm just really pissed, for no damn reason). I've been so upset and not only do some of my second-rate friends make fun of me, but my own dad makes fun of me for my lack of friends. I can't handle this anymore, I'm on the verge of suicide, or possibly even homicide. I want everyone and everything to die. I've been pissed ever since the day my friend left, and that anger and melancholy has grown. I've become depressed and angry at myself and the world.

I'm sorry for my ranting, my world has just come crashing down. Up until maybe the last month of school, I always pretended I was someone, that my friends weren't assholes, and that I had the ability to make friends and be socially active. But now I've finally come to realization, and I've realized I have much less friends than I've always thought I've had. I have no best friend, no friends I can trust, no friends I can even refer to as great, or even good friends.

I hate my life right now. If it weren't for my brother and my mom, and maybe even VT right now, I'd be dead. I've been hiding all these feelings inside, and my mom is the only one that knows I've attempted suicide. None of my friends suspect anything, and my dad doesn't know of my attempt(s), but he knows I've been to a psychiatrist. All my friends think I'm "normal", and no one things of me as depressed or masochistic; but I am. I know I can't tell them the truth, but I think its too late in my life to turn things around. I want to start again, but I don't know how, besides that urge, my only other urge is to die. I want to die so badly, I've tried suffocating myself, asphyxiating myself, burning myself, poisoning myself, etc., but, I guess I'd consider it to be luck,

I've never even come close to dying. I want to cut, but I'm afraid of knives. If there was a gun in my house, and I could gain access to it, I would almost definitely be dead by now. My only fear is knives, I wouldn't mind dying any other way. I just need help... I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate my friends, I hate everything and everyone... The only person in the world that I can trust right now is my mom, and I can't even tell everything to her. I think I'm on the verge of suicide, but I have no clue... HELP, PLEASE. :(

[Serenity]

In a way, I know how you feel- as far as the friends issue goes. 5 years ago when I moved from my hometown, I gradually lost touch with all of my close friends, 2 in particular, and I hated myself for it. I made a few scattered attempts at reforming friendship with the one I was less close with, none of which really worked, and once got a steady flow of email going with the one girl I was closer to than anyone my entire life. She was the one I was most afraid to contact because I was so disgusted with myself for not having the strength or courage to just keep talking to her, something that should have been so easy. Since then, I've had serious trouble starting friendships, let alone holding them for long. My relationships with people have been extremely short-lived, and most ended because I haven't been able to commit to them. However, this past year I found 3 girls I have been able to bond with on a level I didn't think I was capable of anymore. I cannot express my joy at having them with me, as I never thought I would have real, true friends again.

My point is this: don't give up hope. I know, I know, it's much easier said than done, especially from the outside, and I know right now you feel like nothing will ever be right in the world and there's nothing worth living for [well...that's how I felt...] All I can say is I do believe things will get better- for you, me, everyone. Just keep hoping and look to the future, believing that this world that you're forced to endure in the present isn't the one you are fated to live in forever.

[Maverick]

It's summertime so school should start up soon. Now is a good time to do something different when school starts. Sign up for clubs; they're a good way to meet people. Try something different - venture out and play a sport. Play track, play football, science club, tech club, anything at your school that might interest you. Get yourself in social interactive areas so you can meet people. You have to do something and be proactive. It's okay to vent and feel stuck and and not know what to do, but if you want change you have to do something about it.

I can guarantee joining a club or sport will allow you to make friends.

[MoveAlong]

I agree with these two^

Take advantage of the fear! Don't try to conquer it. It's saving you. Why do you feel the need to kill yourself?
School's gonna start up soon. Take advantage of that! Ant covered almost everything I was gonna say, but seriously you should put yourself in situations to make friends and have fun and learn. That's what got me out of my depression.

[Serenity]

Some activities I suggest:

-choir: if your school's like mine, you don't actually have to be good, you just need to participate.
-art: again you don't have to be able to create masterpieces.
-sports: if you're not really into sports you might try running track [like I did :)]
-drama guild: if you're not big on acting you might still get into the chorus or something and there's always PLENTY of people around to talk to
-debate: an excellent place to meet people because conversation is required :P

These are all places where I or people I know have been able to meet lots of new interesting people without really going out of our way. If you can just get yourself into a situation with a lot of people, you're almost guaranteed to make friends. :daisy: Hope I helped

[Underground_Network]

I play baseball, I've been in chorus (same thing as choir), but I'm not as athletic as everyone else, and I never really liked chorus. I also love basketball, but I feel its too late to join it. I also have a hell of a lot of friends from my camp, but none of them live near me, so right now during summer, things are okay, but I'm usually home alone, with nothing to do. My neighbor, who has the same first name as me and is in the same grade as me occasionally invites me over to his house, but by occasionally I mean once a month, and I really have nothing to do, I do enjoy video games, using my computer, music, etc.; but I would like to do something more than communicate online and play people via WiFi or Xbox Live. I'm good at almost acquiring friends, but I usually end up lying myself into a corner. I tell them lies about myself to get them to like me, but then I don't have the guts to invite them to my house with the fear they'll learn the truth. I do have some friends that are nice to me and fun to be with, but again, most of them are from my camp and they live really far away from me. I do have some nice friends from school and sports, but we just communicate online, and we don't communicate often, with the exclusion of school and at a game. I have a lot of friends who are younger than me too, but by younger, I mean two or three years younger, and they don't see me as a friend, but more as a role model. I hide the real me; people see me as shy, intelligent, somewhat athletic, and kind. But although I am shy, and I'm probably smarter and more athletic than I seem, I'm not optimistic, I'm not really as kind as I seem to be, I'm nowhere near as innocent as other people think I am. People think I have the inability to cause harm; they just think I'm so damn sweet and innocent. Its hard to make friends when half the guys would rather make fun of me and be assholes, and the other half of guys are afraid of me. I dress like a really tough person, and although I'm very skinny, I'm pretty strong, but I'm really weak on the inside. I'm a twig on the verge of being broken. I'm so close to breaking. I'm not sure that making friends would do anything for me, unless I acquired a friend who understood that I'm depressed and understood my situation. The only good friend I've ever had was my friend that moved away. I hate rambling... damnit... I hate myself... When summer's over I think I'll be dead... I'm not sure if I mean that literally or not though, seriously....

[MoveAlong]

Ah but rambling is what gets out your feelings and helps you think over the entire thing.

If you're lying to yourself, stop! It seems like that's the biggest problem - lying to yourself and lying to others. Be that person you really are, be that person who wants a chance, and be that person that at least tries out basketball. You won't get ANYWHERE if you don't try.

Man, don't give up. If you give up, what happens? People miss you, your knowledge and being is lost to the people around you and you can't in turn help other people.
You have to make the decision to keep moving on even when it seems that there's no hope. Because you can make it there - there's just some annoyances and mistakes along the way.

[Never_Forget]

yah, what MoveAlong said, be yyourself, be the person you want to b, not the person you're trying to ecape from.

[Underground_Network]

I just feel its too late to change; I've made it by so far, and I think I can keep myself alive, but I just hate my life right now. One of my few remaining good friends is moving away, destroying yet another "circle of friends" I've had, and camp is coming to a close, meaning those friends will be gone during the school year (with the exception of two, one who goes to my school, the other who lives near me). I know my life is not as bad as some other people's, but my self-esteem has been crushed by everyone telling me I suck and that I have no friends; no life. My dad puts me down, my mom unintentionally puts me down, kids I thought were my friends put me down. Since 6th grade or so my life has been ripped apart, and I just don't seem to have the ability to reconnect the pieces. I can't change. I'm unable to, I always try to make life as simple as possible, and I've dropped lots of things to make my life easier (i.e. baseball/chorus). My dad made my main focus athletics and academics when I was younger, and now I focus solely on academics, as it seems thats all I have left. I think I would be dead if it weren't my one close friend and my mom's undying love. I felt really down like 10 minutes ago, and when I feel really upset and unworthy of life, I attempt suicide. 10 minutes ago I didn't attempt suicide, but I thought about it, as well as running away. I keep coming so close to ending it, and these little things keep triggering my anger and melancholy, and I'm afraid of what could happen if I become upset in school or due to school. I think I'll end up hurting myself or possibly someone else before I even get the oppurtunity to try and start again. I don't even know if what I just typed made sense, I don't even care, I don't know why I bother with vt... I guess just to ramble.... and ramble.... damnit, I feel like shit right now... I feel really low...

[Never_Forget]

It made sense to me, and I sort of understand what your life is like. i cant imagine how it feels about your dad but im continualy being called a "fukin freak" and a "gay twat", an outcast like you said. Life sucks, but dont give up. Try taking up a few instuments, have one or two exams in music a year, something to focus on. try getting a rubiks cube or a puzzle such as the type of puzzle where you need to remove a metal ring with only logic and determination. All these things in your life you hate make the world go 'round, where would the chavs and gangsters be without all this conflict? just stay strong. Gosh.. if you think you ramble you shuld see mee someties.. i can go on and on for hours.. im a talkative but shy person, let me get to know someone and ill chat and chat fr hours on end. try just talkin to ne of your good friends, just rambling on and on... and you could always just tell him/her about how you feel about your life. it helps, trust me. without anyone to talk to id be so much weaker and self concious on the inside than i am now, i keep my head down when i walk past people, i let a 7 year old use me as a punchbag, dont let it happen, dont let yourself go down this path. just stand up and say "This is who i am, and if you dnt like it, bugger off.", of course I could NEVER do that... im too scared of socialising ect. anyway, ill stop the ramblings here. hope i helped :)

[kovert43]

same her bro but i learned to go around all that i get mad when somebody talks about me i kick the shit out of them but i never suggest that i thought pointless ut if u seen me form 4th garde to 7th grade now ive got over so much

[Maverick]

kovert43, don't old bump old threads. Usually after its been this long the case has been closed. U_N send me a PM if you want this reopened.