TheHumanSpirit
June 8th, 2012, 12:07 AM
I've been in love (as in, for the past year I go to sleep and wake up thinking about him, dreaming sometimes more than twice every week) with one of my "best friends." The problem: I'm gay and haven't told many people because my mom is mentally unstable and my dad is homophobic. I'm sure this best friend of mine is also, but doesn't want to admit it to anyone (maybe not even himself) because he has to seem perfect. It's like that narcissistic adolescence thing. I went through it. It's like if you don't admit it, it doesn't exist and you are perfect. It's really hard for him to find things he likes about himself, too. I was exactly like that when I was a junior.
But he's done some pretty hurtful things. His best friend (one of my best friends) invited me to a party and he uninvited me because I was a senior, even though he invited a senior from another high school because they were our best friend's boyfriend.. The irony was, he kicked me out because he thought people would feel uncomfortable around me (or so he said), but I know all of the juniors that went. The other senior, on the other hand, didn't. We had an argument about that and I gave in and wanted to be friends again.
Okay. So now I feel like I'm ranting way too much or complaining, sorry if this is making you sick of me. :\ But I texted him almost 2 weeks ago and he said to stop texting him and that he's busy while I'm enjoying my vacation and he'll text me back. Well, he hasn't texted me back, and he never texts me unless I text him first. But that, according to him, is because he's busy. All of the time. Then I see on facebook that my best friends all did something for our mutual friend on his birthday, and like 7 people went, and no one even mentioned it to me.
Over the year, I've been wondering if being numb to life is better. If having no feeling or care for people or relationships will be safer, and hurt less, because I've caught myself crying sometimes 3 times each week. It started to feel good to cry. Sometimes I'd even walk home from school and just think about going to my bathroom and crying. But I know numb isn't better. I've been numb. When I couldn't admit to any fault, when I was externally infallible. I was also internally shameful. I hated myself. I know that loving me is better than being loved by others. But I feel like no one really loves me and I don't know why, but it can't be everyone else -- there must be something wrong with me and everyone I ask that I'm really close to says it's them. I don't want it to be them, though, because that hurts too much.
Am I depressed? What's wrong with me? Are my friends ignoring me because of something I'm doing wrong? I feel like I'm really nice to people and maybe that's my downfall. Maybe I need to put more value in myself by being harder to get a hold of. Maybe if I wasn't so available, people would want to be around me. :\ Help.
But he's done some pretty hurtful things. His best friend (one of my best friends) invited me to a party and he uninvited me because I was a senior, even though he invited a senior from another high school because they were our best friend's boyfriend.. The irony was, he kicked me out because he thought people would feel uncomfortable around me (or so he said), but I know all of the juniors that went. The other senior, on the other hand, didn't. We had an argument about that and I gave in and wanted to be friends again.
Okay. So now I feel like I'm ranting way too much or complaining, sorry if this is making you sick of me. :\ But I texted him almost 2 weeks ago and he said to stop texting him and that he's busy while I'm enjoying my vacation and he'll text me back. Well, he hasn't texted me back, and he never texts me unless I text him first. But that, according to him, is because he's busy. All of the time. Then I see on facebook that my best friends all did something for our mutual friend on his birthday, and like 7 people went, and no one even mentioned it to me.
Over the year, I've been wondering if being numb to life is better. If having no feeling or care for people or relationships will be safer, and hurt less, because I've caught myself crying sometimes 3 times each week. It started to feel good to cry. Sometimes I'd even walk home from school and just think about going to my bathroom and crying. But I know numb isn't better. I've been numb. When I couldn't admit to any fault, when I was externally infallible. I was also internally shameful. I hated myself. I know that loving me is better than being loved by others. But I feel like no one really loves me and I don't know why, but it can't be everyone else -- there must be something wrong with me and everyone I ask that I'm really close to says it's them. I don't want it to be them, though, because that hurts too much.
Am I depressed? What's wrong with me? Are my friends ignoring me because of something I'm doing wrong? I feel like I'm really nice to people and maybe that's my downfall. Maybe I need to put more value in myself by being harder to get a hold of. Maybe if I wasn't so available, people would want to be around me. :\ Help.