Aceso
June 5th, 2012, 03:51 PM
I knew it. I knew this would happen.
Just ugh. I feel so disappointed in myself. I don't even think it's that I'm just disgusted or revolted anymore. I just don't want to be me, I've kind of had enough.
I've got 4 more exams in a week, I've done almost no revision, I feel like such a failure. Everyone else around me is fine, but i'm just so exhausted of trying and trying and still being under-average. In fact, fuck that, I'm just exhausted of everything. I've spent days just lying in bed, wanting to just turn over and go back to sleep. I don't even have the energy to think right now. Everything just seems to be going wrong.
Since I returned to school my health's gone from bad to worse. Diabetically, I've been constantly high on bloodsugars and that makes me feel like I'm constantly sick, headachey and exhausted. I want to starve and purge all the time, then I just end up binging. I keep finding pictures of my old scars, and I want to cut my arms again.
My family are just exhausted of me. Mum just gets frustrated that I'm so incompetent, and my health is so bad. I'm just a difficulty to my dad, and he has so much work at the moment he can't afford to waste time messing around dealing with me. They all go out and do stuff together, like picknicks and films, they're all laughing and happy and then there's me sitting in my room on my own. I can't even bear to be around my friends anymore, half of them treat me as a stranger, the others have drifted away, and now it literally comes down to two people who I honestly think care about me. And both of them I hardly ever see.
Going back to what I said earlier - I'm just so tired of myself. I can't stand looking in the mirror anymore. I feel so ugly, I don't know why people cope with me. Everyone around me just seems so happy, and then there's me. And I can't help it. Just talking to them is exhausting, and it's not that it's their fault, it's just that I can't bring myself to be around people, I want to get away from here. I don't really care anymore, right now I'd rather just have nowhere to go than be here. I just feel so alone and like I'm not going anywhere. I have so much I want to do or be, but it's always just too far away.
I don't even know why I feel so down, I just can't bring myself to look forward anymore. I can't see myself being okay in the future, I have no energy and no plans or anything. I just want to escape and try again, but I can't. I feel so stuck in the past, I can't seem to get over people I've lost who I care about, and I'm always feeling just so below everyone else. I don't deserve to be here anymore.
Sorry for the rant, just need to clear my head. :(
Just ugh. I feel so disappointed in myself. I don't even think it's that I'm just disgusted or revolted anymore. I just don't want to be me, I've kind of had enough.
I've got 4 more exams in a week, I've done almost no revision, I feel like such a failure. Everyone else around me is fine, but i'm just so exhausted of trying and trying and still being under-average. In fact, fuck that, I'm just exhausted of everything. I've spent days just lying in bed, wanting to just turn over and go back to sleep. I don't even have the energy to think right now. Everything just seems to be going wrong.
Since I returned to school my health's gone from bad to worse. Diabetically, I've been constantly high on bloodsugars and that makes me feel like I'm constantly sick, headachey and exhausted. I want to starve and purge all the time, then I just end up binging. I keep finding pictures of my old scars, and I want to cut my arms again.
My family are just exhausted of me. Mum just gets frustrated that I'm so incompetent, and my health is so bad. I'm just a difficulty to my dad, and he has so much work at the moment he can't afford to waste time messing around dealing with me. They all go out and do stuff together, like picknicks and films, they're all laughing and happy and then there's me sitting in my room on my own. I can't even bear to be around my friends anymore, half of them treat me as a stranger, the others have drifted away, and now it literally comes down to two people who I honestly think care about me. And both of them I hardly ever see.
Going back to what I said earlier - I'm just so tired of myself. I can't stand looking in the mirror anymore. I feel so ugly, I don't know why people cope with me. Everyone around me just seems so happy, and then there's me. And I can't help it. Just talking to them is exhausting, and it's not that it's their fault, it's just that I can't bring myself to be around people, I want to get away from here. I don't really care anymore, right now I'd rather just have nowhere to go than be here. I just feel so alone and like I'm not going anywhere. I have so much I want to do or be, but it's always just too far away.
I don't even know why I feel so down, I just can't bring myself to look forward anymore. I can't see myself being okay in the future, I have no energy and no plans or anything. I just want to escape and try again, but I can't. I feel so stuck in the past, I can't seem to get over people I've lost who I care about, and I'm always feeling just so below everyone else. I don't deserve to be here anymore.
Sorry for the rant, just need to clear my head. :(