IcarusLives
June 3rd, 2012, 04:56 AM
I've pretty much given up on "beating" my depression at this point.
I haven't used these forums that much at all lately, but way back around a year ago, for a few months I was a pretty avid user, as it helped me get through a lot of the more serious problems I was having with depression, and when times got extremely hard, there were people here who could always talk some sense into me, and make me feel better, and realize in reality, life's not nearly as bad as it seems.
So in advance, I'm sorry for the long post, but let's hope it can pull it off again :p. If you don't want to read the backstory to this then just skip to the stars a while down.
I went to a Psychologist less than a year ago for a while, got prescribed with Welbutrin. This made my depression worse... So we switched to Prozac, and voila, I'm my old self again, full on, and I literally just came out of the GREATEST year of my LIFE.
Graduated High School, got accepted into the Faculty of Science, have a wonderful girlfriend, tons of friends to hang out with in and out of school, and I feel like I'm finally in the right kinds of groups now that I've always seen myself as fitting in with before anyway.
Sounds perfect right?
Exactly. It sounds perfect.
So then why the fuck is it exactly that I'm still not happy? It makes no sense... There are some days when even if I have a phenomenal day and everything goes great, the next night I can be sitting in my car parked outside my house about to go inside, and I just feel empty...
It's weird.. It's like there's something just perpetually missing that I can't seem to get a grasp on..
Part of it seems like, ever since I've been depressed, I haven't touched drugs, ever. Literally. I'll never do weed ever again as it just affects me badly personally speaking.
And I'm SO scared of falling back into that old feeling of out of body-ness that I had while being depressed, I haven't touched drugs. I used to drink and it was so much fun, just going out and drinking with friends until you're literally puking was honestly the best feeling ever, and it never seemed to contribute to my depression.. Maybe because it helped me forget things for at least a while...
And I don't even know if it's really the fear of falling back into that depressed feeling that's making me want to drink again, or if it's the feeling of emptiness I'm experiencing, and I'm looking for something to fill it for me, at least temporarily...
***************************************************************
I don't know, everything seems so pointless. I'm not depressed like I used to be where I'd be crying almost all day long, on the verge of suicide day in and out, I've practically done a 360 from the severe depression I seemingly "beat".
Yet I still feel like I'm missing something, like there's just a part of my life that I never got, maybe it's from my parents...
I guess I'm just wanting this pill to fix everything, and while it makes me feel better, it can't undo the damages from the past.
Eugh that's enough venting for the day I need sleep anyway, thanks for reading this if you did, and to make it relevant I'll go ahead and ask;
Has it happened to anyone else before? Where you swing in and out of depression from time to time even when you're on medication, even when you've had a great day?
Thanks for your time and help, especially seeing as this post is so huge :p, I'm gonna go to bed now.. Maybe I'll start visiting this website again more often...
I haven't used these forums that much at all lately, but way back around a year ago, for a few months I was a pretty avid user, as it helped me get through a lot of the more serious problems I was having with depression, and when times got extremely hard, there were people here who could always talk some sense into me, and make me feel better, and realize in reality, life's not nearly as bad as it seems.
So in advance, I'm sorry for the long post, but let's hope it can pull it off again :p. If you don't want to read the backstory to this then just skip to the stars a while down.
I went to a Psychologist less than a year ago for a while, got prescribed with Welbutrin. This made my depression worse... So we switched to Prozac, and voila, I'm my old self again, full on, and I literally just came out of the GREATEST year of my LIFE.
Graduated High School, got accepted into the Faculty of Science, have a wonderful girlfriend, tons of friends to hang out with in and out of school, and I feel like I'm finally in the right kinds of groups now that I've always seen myself as fitting in with before anyway.
Sounds perfect right?
Exactly. It sounds perfect.
So then why the fuck is it exactly that I'm still not happy? It makes no sense... There are some days when even if I have a phenomenal day and everything goes great, the next night I can be sitting in my car parked outside my house about to go inside, and I just feel empty...
It's weird.. It's like there's something just perpetually missing that I can't seem to get a grasp on..
Part of it seems like, ever since I've been depressed, I haven't touched drugs, ever. Literally. I'll never do weed ever again as it just affects me badly personally speaking.
And I'm SO scared of falling back into that old feeling of out of body-ness that I had while being depressed, I haven't touched drugs. I used to drink and it was so much fun, just going out and drinking with friends until you're literally puking was honestly the best feeling ever, and it never seemed to contribute to my depression.. Maybe because it helped me forget things for at least a while...
And I don't even know if it's really the fear of falling back into that depressed feeling that's making me want to drink again, or if it's the feeling of emptiness I'm experiencing, and I'm looking for something to fill it for me, at least temporarily...
***************************************************************
I don't know, everything seems so pointless. I'm not depressed like I used to be where I'd be crying almost all day long, on the verge of suicide day in and out, I've practically done a 360 from the severe depression I seemingly "beat".
Yet I still feel like I'm missing something, like there's just a part of my life that I never got, maybe it's from my parents...
I guess I'm just wanting this pill to fix everything, and while it makes me feel better, it can't undo the damages from the past.
Eugh that's enough venting for the day I need sleep anyway, thanks for reading this if you did, and to make it relevant I'll go ahead and ask;
Has it happened to anyone else before? Where you swing in and out of depression from time to time even when you're on medication, even when you've had a great day?
Thanks for your time and help, especially seeing as this post is so huge :p, I'm gonna go to bed now.. Maybe I'll start visiting this website again more often...