Constructive Criticism please

[Unknown-Data]

I have written a small part of a story recently, and before I continue I would like some help, either pointing out errors or jus givin' ur advice, so here it is :cool: :

* * * * ** * * * A Forsaken Love
* * * * * * * * * * * * Chapter 1
The Boy sits on the playground slide all alone, he says to himself "why must I be cursed to Loneliness, am I ugly, or unapproachable? There has to be a logical reason." with that thought he jumped up and walked to the swing set. As he stepped on the grass he heard a girl giggle behind him, he quickly spun around to see.... no one, So he carried on. He sat on the swings with the sun blazing behind him, allowing him to stare at his shadow, as he stared he saw a girl's shadow form. It looked as if the female shadow was kissing him, he looked on both sides and behind him to find no one, so he walked to the swing set across from him. When he sat and stared where he was sitting previously he saw a darkened figure that looked like a girl waving him over. He pointed to himself questioningly, when the figure nodded he looked down, embarrassed but when he looked up to stand, there was no one. Not a single person. Startling him back to reality was the bark of a dog, which seemed angry at the boy for being at the park. The boy sat completely still, afraid the dog had rabies. As the dog turned and walked away, the boy silently stood and sneaked towards the car in which he drove to the park.

* * * * * * * * * * *Chapter 2
The car, a crimson red mustang '91 edition, quickly sped away from the park. Utterly confused about what he saw, he didn't believe in spirits or ghosts at all, but there was no other explanation.

* * * * * * * * * - Later at home -

He had an ensemble of books in front of him about the undead, ghosts, demons, and the afterlife. Reading each letter of the books trying to find any answer about how to contact the she-spirit, for he wanted to see her again, she was the only person that payed attention to him, or even noticed him for that matter.

I thought I did good scince I've never written a story :D I couldn't come up with names >.>

Double post merged ~ Mike/ImCoolBeans

[boonsim]

1. How old is the boy? He seems to be either way too old to be playing on the playground, or way too young to have such intricate vocabulary in his thoughts.
2. Present tense makes me sad. :(

[Unknown-Data]

1: ik a 16 year old who plays on a playground, wen he doesn't have anything better to do

2: present tense??

[Origami]

"Sitting on the playground alone, the boy asks himself, "why must I be cursed to loneliness, am I ugly, or unapproachable? There has to be a logical reason."

Work on your syntax. It could make a world of a difference. ;) All for now.

[Mordecai]

I don't know if those chapters were meant to be short or not, but I'll leave that aside because it was probably intentional.

Your story sounds like a children's book. That's all I can really make out of it. You need to somehow establish the characters, their persona, their own unique way of expression and articulation alongside mentioning what they're doing.

Plus, it seems like everything is happening way too fast. You need to stop ever so often and pinch a bit more description into how the character is feeling, use metaphors, associations of real life events, past humour... something along these lines.

That's about all I can say for now, do post the rest if you're under the conviction that you'll continue your tale of the miserable little kid.