An understanding

[Necachi]

I used to think that if there was ever something that anyone wanted to stop doing it was as simple as stopping. Like cutting. I have had friends tell me they didn't want to anymore but they keep doing it. I told them to just not do it and if there was anything I can do to help I'd be more than happy to. It was a lack of understanding, then, that I had for the entire situation.

Recently I have had feelings of cutting myself. I still didn't understand why it was that I couldn't easily avoid doing it. It seemed simple enough, given that the need to cut is psychological. But I think I understand more now than I have before. That cutting is a way to relieve tension in the cutter's life. For me I guess it would relieve the thoughts and gives me a brief moment where my mind isn't tearing itself apart. But I want to better understand this, there is always more room for more information.

I don't cut myself, I am still resistant to it. But as I said I understand more now why others do it and why it's hard to stop. If anyone reading this wouldn't mind and sharing some experiences or telling what caused them to first start? No pressure and I know it's a hard thing to ask. If you don't want to then no worries, but I am interested.

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There were few other similar threads, probably on 2 page, check that out too.

Why?Well, it helps to numb out the emotional stuff.Cause simply, you feel pain then...what caused me to start, well, at first was and accident, and it felt good.Later, well...anger, over-thinking stuff, hate towards myself (which cutting, at least for me, much more enjoyable, like i deserve it), and well, it was a good way of coping with stuff (car accident, shitty life), and every horrible feeling.

And seriously, i thought i wasn't "addicted" to it, really.But right now, ugh, id love to do so...But i can't.Well, mostly because I'm already in bandages from last time, and people would see new ones, which would be just bad.

Anyway...don't start...go run, listen to music, scream if you want so, just don't self harm, it ain't gonna get you anywhere, and will make things just so much worse.Its pretty much like a drug...

[Necachi]

Awesome, thanks for talking to me about it. From my understanding when you get cut a chemical is released in the body which numbs the pain and I believe the same principle is used in drugs. So you're right in a way it is a drug. And plus when there's a new pain the body forgets the old pain, for a time. But I could be wrong.

And I don't plan to cut. I am abusing my body with another drug, soda. It used to work wonders but its not doing as good a job anymore...

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No problem.

Well, yeah, so I've read too, recently, endorphins.

I've been doing it for almost 2 years now tho :/

And plus when there's a new pain the body forgets the old pain, for a time.

Exactly.But anyway, emotions are the key i guess.Thinking too, because mostly, i over-think stuff, and i get to the points where i blame myself for everything.So i feel miserable, and well, which makes me feel more miserable, because i shouldn't feel like that.Even if i don't blame myself, then i blame someone other, which makes me angry.

And even if they are to blame, it wasn't on purpose, so i get back to feeling miserable for blaming them...and it adds up.

And well all that emotions, anger and stuff, gotta get out somewhere.So better me than others, and well, i didn't really have balls to fight/solve my problems.And since trying like 7 days ago, to kill myself (long story, short), I've failed, and after doing some crazy stuff while trying so, I've figured I have finally got some balls back xD.And i think i do, even tho it seems less and less as days go by.

Anyway, i thought it will all go away, but urge is still there.Meds I'm taking don't seem to help much obviously.

But well, things can get better, i think, and i figure that just gotta keep trying to make things better.

And well, try listening to music.It helped me loads, and it still does.You could also try some MMORPG game, but well, they can get addicting, and its one of the reasons i ended up here.And well, watch some comedy tv shows, to get your mind off things.It does help, i remember watching House M.D. for few weeks, which helped me get off the cutting for a while.

[Necachi]

I blame myself a lot too. I try to use logic to solve problems using different scenarios. But if someone would provoke me I would murder them. But I have been keeping myself busy, or trying to at least. Music, love songs mostly, and I waste my free time with mmorpgs.

The only problem is the second I am not occupied my thoughts wander to her and I get fucked up again. Sleeping used to be the one thing that made me so happy and I would be so eager to get to it. But now sleep is so hard to get and its become a chore.

I have punched so many random things, metal things. A few washers here and there, a water tank, a fridge. Those are only when my anger slips from me. My emotions have been really out of sync lately and I can't control them. Then again I never used to be able to anyway.

Would you mind if I ask how you tried to kill yourself? I have thought about killing myself before. But I realize it would be rude of me to put my mother and other people through it just to make myself happy. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want it to end.

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http://www.virtualteen.org/forums/showthread.php?t=139407

Post 8...

Don't try it, it ain't the solution.I mean, it might look like great solution now, but it isn't.And every problem can be eventually solved.Only reason why i want to try to live now, is well, because i know i can make stuff better.I didn't care who I could hurt by killing myself (well, sort of i did, but there comes a point where you just don't), and well...

Only difference is now, thanks to crazy stunt i did, I've got back some courage, so to say, which i lacked for a while now, and which led me to be in a house for last 3 years, where i left just twice, and both of it for hospital (6 months ago i cut too deep, some problems with blood clotting, and couldn't stop it).And as long i look at problems this way, that if i could try all that, then i can do pretty much anything, and simply, i don't care what stands on the way, i think it will all turn out fine.

Only problem so far is I've gotta wait 6 or so more days to get stitches off, and anxiety which partially got me here.

Try talking about stuff that bothers you, be that here on VT, to counselor, psychologist/psychiatrist, or someone, it will just feel better when you get everything off your mind.And they can give you meds, if needed, which will make you feel better :)

And well, you should listen to music when playing mmorpgs :P I usually do, mostly metal too (well, i love it :) ) and helps with thinking about stuff lot less, when you listen to music, sing along, and keep yourself and your mind busy at same time.

[Necachi]

Wow mate. I am glad you failed, otherwise I wouldn't be having anyone to talk to right now. Selfish of me, I know, but you seem to be a nice guy.

I won't kill myself. The problem I have can't be solved so easily. In fact there is maybe a very small chance it can go right and a very large chance for things to fall apart. It is easier to die, rest peacefully for ever. I mean why are there nightmares? Usually stress causes them. Well no life to be stressed out about means only happy dreams. A place where everything comes true that you want it to. It sounds like a beautiful place to me, more so than this place. But again it's selfish of me to want to kill myself because I will be helping just myself and the people I know will disheartened. My mom might even try to kill herself if she knew I did.

I am not going to talk to a counselor or a psychologist or anyone I have to pay lots of money to. Their job is just to nod their head and listen to you, tell me stuff I already know, and then prescribe drugs--as if that would make everything better! I have told a friend about it and she helped me out a bit. And last night I had some absolutely beautiful sleep, that of which I haven't had in a long time. I say beautiful in comparison to how it used to be, not that it was the best I've ever had. But I guess I have a little hope and she reminded me of that.

I have listened to music while gaming. I watch TV, play a game, talk on skype with friends, and listen to music. All at the same time. It's a good distraction until there is a pause in my entertainment. My problem is that subconsciously I look for songs that make me think of my problem. It doesn't bother me though and I sing to it. It usually spurs good day dreams. Medicine can't make me feel better. There is only one thing that can.

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Haha, well, I'm still a bit hmm...annoyed that i failed, but well, i think things will get better eventually.Its funny tho, the car that hit me, was the same kind that hit me 7 years ago (where I've died like twice), and that fucked me up so bad.

Anyway, about the dying part, well that depends, on lots of things.In my opinion, there is nothing after life.Some believe in reincarnation, some that if you kill yourself, you end up in hell, or even worse purgatory or something like that, where u can't see, hear, but only feel pain, and so on.But that are just guesses, nothing else, theres no way to know.And believing in something, doesn't mean its right.For all we know, once we die, we might reincarnate on some X light years away planet.

And dreams can have lots of meanings, beside just stress, but I'm no expert at it.I don't have as much nightmares as i used to, but i kind off like them.And i still remember one which I've dreamed like 5 years ago, and it makes lot of sense now, the whole dream.

As for the counselor, there should be one at school (if you're going), but true, its their job to listen.Meds can help, but not always.About the sleep part, well, i understand.I've had insomnia for years now.Last 6 months usually took me to fall asleep. 3-5 hours, every night.

Problems ain't easy always to solve, but you gotta keep trying.Some that i have, will take years to get things right, and i don't know how ill do it, but ill try.

As for the family, well...after this try of my, to kill myself, my father told me if i do kill myself, he will too.Which, well...more sounds like a blackmail to me.I mean, not really, and i understand them, but... *few minutes later after over-analyzing* make me laugh.Even if i do, somewhere, deep down care for them, that wouldn't really stop me.

Common sense is to care for the family, and stuff, which i try, even if i really don't.Why, well i don't think about it, because it would involve thinking about so much other stuff, which can get boring.Maybe i actually do care, but I'm fooling myself, who knows.As i said, i over-think/analyze stuff lol.

I don't know where I'm going with this anymore, so ill just stop :P

I hope you solve your problems, and things get better :)

[Necachi]

I don't really believe in anything after death. And you're right it's all just speculation. But if you think about it, even in it's simplest form, there is nothing. Right now we have everything: emotions, potential, stress, guilt, etc. Once we die it all ends. Even the problems that cause us problems.

I haven't had nightmares since i was a little kid. That's good I guess. All the dreams I have I like. And sleeping was a blessing for me, a way to escape my problems. Not anymore though.

And I don't care about the money. I don't want to talk to some random person who I'm just another person to pass the time they are counting until they get out of there. I just don't feel like talking to someone like that. I will talk to friends or some random people on here because they understand better and are actually genuinely interested.

And it might be a type of encouragement your father is using but I'm sure he really cares about you and doesn't know any other way to keep you. He might even feel like he is failing at being a parent.

And I gotta say that you getting arrested for punching a cop is kind of stupidly funny. My friend got a 150 dollar ticket after crashing his car because of the ice. The ticket was for fairly to stay right. The cop also threatened him with a ticket for not obeying the speed limit. It's just one of those things you laugh at I guess because it is so moronically adding insult to injury.

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Exactly my point.For me, just doesn't seem logic that there is god, or someone like that, and same about after life, but well, i don't know, i might be not right, but I've chosen not to believe in that kind of stuff.

Tho I've had some reasons to believe otherwise, like hearing something banging against the wall, in one house I've lived, and there was no one else...light turning up like twice for few years, without anyone being there, and some other stuff while i was in hospital for 6 months (which i think were hallucinations due to drugs or something).

And also some sort-of psychic guy, telling my parents lots of stuff, which he couldn't possibly know.Also some other weird stuff, but anyway, idk, I've chosen not to believe :P

Yeah, i know.I really don't plan/want to do it again, but i can't say i never will...who knows what will happen in future...i know they want all the best for me, but sometimes its just too much, because they can get over-protective.

Anyway, I've found out the cop that i hit, has taken sick-leave, to fix the tooth that I've broken when i hit him.Lol, poor guy :/.And that guy that has given your friend ticket, is just dumb O_o.First time I've heard something like that.

[Necachi]

I believe in all religion, not just a certain one. And I don't worship anyone. I think that any type of god would be humble and not force any kind of worship in order to accept you otherwise it would be more like a dictator.

But magic and ghosts, why not? Anything is possible, even if we don't readily notice it.

And that cop that went on sick leave, I think he was just looking for an excuse and you gave him the liberation he needed.