I can't decide what to do

[melodic magick]

I started cutting about three months ago, because of stress and to escape my mind. At first it didn't seem wrong to me, I didn't realize what it would turn into even after only a short time. Now its as though even when I'm a little happy, I have the urge to cut. I can control it, to an extent, but its always there. The worst part of it is the feeling of being torn. Its like a part of me just wants to keep going, to give into the pain and embrace it, and the rest of me wants to stop and attempt to be happy again.
I am also worried that my mother knows. She is the only person that I talk to except like, the librarian or something. I don't have any face-to-face friends, or people who act like they really care on the 'net, therefore resulting in no one to talk with. About a week ago, my blade went missing. I couldn't hide in inside the toilet handle so instead I put it in a discreet place behind my shower door. Then I went to get it, and it was gone. I don't remember moving it, but whenever I try to think back its like my mind is really hazy and I can't remember anything... I'm not on drugs and I don't drink; I don't do anything except cut.
I know I should stop it, but its the only thing that makes me feel safe and secure and peaceful. Help?

[Error 404]

Well, in my opinion, you should tell your mother about your problem, or at least talk to your counselor at school, and just talk about your problems.And you can vent here also :).

I'm in similar situation, and well, I'm working on it atm, and it should get better.I didn't tell to my parents, i kept over-thinking stuff (which i really do no recommend), and i ended up trying to kill myself (and almost succeed).

And well, if you don't want to talk here, you're welcome to pm me...i might not be really good with words, but i can listen, and well, ill gladly be your friend :)

[Desuetude]

I know cutting seems like it's doing you good and that at the moment you can control it but in the future if it becomes so much of an addiction that it becomes your life you will look back and ask yourself why you didn't I stop when I had the chance.
So honestly, I think you should try telling your mum. She could help and support you through this. You don't have to deal with it alone and she will always be there for you. Talking to someone can help control your feelings, just getting it out and knowing someone is listening simetimes helps. Writing things down, excersize hard, music, just anything you think might distract you from the urge. Quitting now although doesn't seem easy is more so than quitting in maybe a few more months.
You have VT now. People here will give you support when you need it and will always be here for you should you need advice or just someone to talk to. You don't have to be alone in this, the majority of the people on this site are genuine and want to help. You can VM me if you need someone to talk to, i'll listen to anything you have to say. :)

[1_21Guns]

Firstly, you're doing absolutely nothing to help yourself, and it's really not the only thing that makes you feel safe secure and peaceful, it's just the easiest thing to fall back on.
In reality it makes you feel none of these things, and it essentially is an addiction, it only takes one cut to start a chain reaction and a seemingly never ending cycle.
I wouldn't worry about your mother knowing, it could really help you in the longrun, but you have people here you can talk to now aswell if you don't feel comfortable talking to her.
I self harmed for a couple of years, I stopped for a year, did it once, and I haven't done it since. Why? Because I don't need it, I know and understand now that it does nothing for me and that I'm better than that because nothings worth hurting yourself over.
The tricky thing with addictions is that unless you want help, or you want to get better, you won't respond well to any attempts to stop from people helping you, or even you trying to help yourself against your will.
Find distractions, find a hobby, do anything but resort to that, you don't need the blade and you don't need to hurt yourself, stay strong :)

[melodic magick]

Thank you for the support and advice, I really appreciate it. I really don't think my mother would want to be there for me, she has this vision of us being happy and perfect and that there shouldn't be anything for me to be upset about. Basically what I'm trying to say is that she wouldn't be able to understand why I do it, and it would probably make her very angry. Anything or anyone that doubts her or her control and authority makes her angry, and probably resentful towards him/her/it as well.

I'm going to start making an effort to stop it, I know I can and now I have encouragement which has always helped me in difficult situations.

Thank you guys<3

[StoppingTime]

It may seem like a controllable urge now, since you haven't been self harming for very long. But if you continue, it won't be like this in the future. It will become a horrible addiction that will make you feel worse than you need, or deserve to.
It isn't wrong for you to not want to stop. It gives you a sense of escape. You don't need to worry about other things. But really, it is only doing you more harm than good. Think of the future, how will you control an uncontrollable urge that is self harm? To me, I think you can only be truly happy again once you stop.Cutting is holding you back. Stop while you are ahead. Try to start distracting yourself when you get urges. Start a big project you've always wanted to do, go for a jog, anything you can which lets you feel like you don't need self harm. Because you don't, and it isn't doing any good for you.
Of course, the best thing would be to talk to someone. As you seem to say, your mother would not be a good choice, and that's OK. You're parents don't really need to know unless you've got a very serious addiction, which you don't, or unless you want them to. For now, I'd try to talk to a counselor at school. They won't judge you, and won't tell anyone unless you're in some kind of immediate danger. They are going to be there to help you.
We are always here as well, and open to talk and help you through everything.