Koffing
May 25th, 2012, 05:51 PM
Hi there,
I really felt like I had to write this post, just to let my thoughts change into words, to tell others my story and maybe help me. It is a long one but as I said, I just felt like telling it...
So yesterday I did the thing I never EVER expected me to do. I came out to one of my best friends, who I also love, although it was via the pc and not eye to eye. At first he thought I was joking, so he asked a few times if I was really serious about it. Then, after a I said I really was, he started to ask me all kind of questions. How long I knew for example, but then he asked me if I already like someone. At first I didn't want to tell him, and I felt like I rushed into things way to fast, but at the same time I just wanted to say everything I thought, so I said I liked him...
Then after a couple of misunderstandings, in which I thought he said he liked me back, he said he was strait, and we stopped talking about the topic, although he once asked if I was going to tell it to other friends as well, which I replied with "If the timing is right, I will". I was really sad, especially becuase I thought for one second that I was importand for someone.. I slept really bad that night.
Then the next day I felt so sick and everything, I couldn't barely eat a felt so empty and had no real goals to aim for. In the afternoon I had planned to go into the city with another friend and the friend I came out to, but I was about to say I couldn't, since I didn't dare to see him...
Then I decided I had to go or else it would be even harder to see him etc.. So I went, and I was really tensed when I saw them waiting for me. As we walked to some shops he asked, in front of the other friend who don't knows it, if I wasn't joking about what I said. I said no but my other friend asked me multiple times if I wanted to tell him the story as well... I really felt I didn't want to so I didn't tell him.
Then it happend that me and the friend who I told were alone. He asked if I was really not joking again, saying that he really didn't believe me since I ain't a gay like most people think they are (I like cars and all the other boy things). He also asked if I was sure I liked him and I said yes. We didn't speak about it for the rest of the day.
Now I'm here behind my pc telling the story. I feel so sick, empty and I feel like I don't have a goal to aim for anymore.
I thought that coming out would be like a weight falling of the shoulders, but the pressure is raised by 700%. What should I do, I really didn't expected that this would happen, and I'm just an emotional wreck at the moment...
What should I do? I feel like I want to see him never again, scared to be confronted with the topic again. I also feel like I let myself down on being gay. I never had that problem with being gay before I told him, since I don't hate gays or anything, but now I just feel ashamed of myself... I just really don't know what to do or what I am living for anymore (sure I won't commit suicide, don't be afraid about that...). Please help me?
Sorry again for the long post
I really felt like I had to write this post, just to let my thoughts change into words, to tell others my story and maybe help me. It is a long one but as I said, I just felt like telling it...
So yesterday I did the thing I never EVER expected me to do. I came out to one of my best friends, who I also love, although it was via the pc and not eye to eye. At first he thought I was joking, so he asked a few times if I was really serious about it. Then, after a I said I really was, he started to ask me all kind of questions. How long I knew for example, but then he asked me if I already like someone. At first I didn't want to tell him, and I felt like I rushed into things way to fast, but at the same time I just wanted to say everything I thought, so I said I liked him...
Then after a couple of misunderstandings, in which I thought he said he liked me back, he said he was strait, and we stopped talking about the topic, although he once asked if I was going to tell it to other friends as well, which I replied with "If the timing is right, I will". I was really sad, especially becuase I thought for one second that I was importand for someone.. I slept really bad that night.
Then the next day I felt so sick and everything, I couldn't barely eat a felt so empty and had no real goals to aim for. In the afternoon I had planned to go into the city with another friend and the friend I came out to, but I was about to say I couldn't, since I didn't dare to see him...
Then I decided I had to go or else it would be even harder to see him etc.. So I went, and I was really tensed when I saw them waiting for me. As we walked to some shops he asked, in front of the other friend who don't knows it, if I wasn't joking about what I said. I said no but my other friend asked me multiple times if I wanted to tell him the story as well... I really felt I didn't want to so I didn't tell him.
Then it happend that me and the friend who I told were alone. He asked if I was really not joking again, saying that he really didn't believe me since I ain't a gay like most people think they are (I like cars and all the other boy things). He also asked if I was sure I liked him and I said yes. We didn't speak about it for the rest of the day.
Now I'm here behind my pc telling the story. I feel so sick, empty and I feel like I don't have a goal to aim for anymore.
I thought that coming out would be like a weight falling of the shoulders, but the pressure is raised by 700%. What should I do, I really didn't expected that this would happen, and I'm just an emotional wreck at the moment...
What should I do? I feel like I want to see him never again, scared to be confronted with the topic again. I also feel like I let myself down on being gay. I never had that problem with being gay before I told him, since I don't hate gays or anything, but now I just feel ashamed of myself... I just really don't know what to do or what I am living for anymore (sure I won't commit suicide, don't be afraid about that...). Please help me?
Sorry again for the long post