dreamer18xx
May 22nd, 2012, 12:43 PM
The quite girl chapter 1
High school, a time for angst, reckless teen romance, parties at that popular kids house, and late evenings with friends. The era in society where everyone is part of their own clique and is known if they pull any crazy stunt like running around the school with your pants half down while you moon the girls track team. Don't laugh but this seriously happened at Summerfeild the large high school I attend that looks more like a freaky hospital or college than a school for adolescents. Seriously it's so big they need the security on golf carts which no offense people but I find a little ridiculous. High school the years were you have that one favorite teacher that makes learning fun. Where you make friends from all different school districts. High school the supposedly best years of our lives. Well for me let's just say it was one of the toughest so far.
6:00
Hunched over the toilet I gag shaking with fear and adrenaline I taste the coper taste in my mouth coming up again. Gripping the seat I get ready for what is to come. When I'm finished getting it all up I lie on my floor feeling cold and numb. Just trying to feel something, anything and wondering in the back of my mind if I regretted what I had did.
Tuesday 5:00 a.m
I wake up yet again feeling numb feeling hopeless. My soul submerged in a dark cold place I hated going to. It was so tiresome I was tired of feeling this way every morning. Tired of the same boring routine tired to be a constant disappointment to those I held close to me. Just tired of everything, almost in a hypnotized daze I got out of bed and slowly walked down the creaky carpeted stairs trying not to wake anyone to my lowly lit kitchen.
The laptop was sitting on the kitchen table from my sister using it yesterday. Brianna was my younger sister a bubbly social little girl at the age of eleven. She always came home with drama of her young school life it usually involved boys teasing her. We all knew it was because they liked her though Brianna was pretty for her age almost model status with her blond curly hair in a perfect ponytail that suited her well and her hazel eyes that always glowed with happy and childish excitement. I would miss her wacky self.
The oven was illuminated with the time 5:15 is what it said. It's amazing how when your depressed you don't really think things through you just kind of do anything especially reckless things your mind tells you to do. Irrational that's what I was when I opened the medicine cabinet to reveal tons of different kinds of medications not caring I took a few orange tubes filled with small pills and walked to the sink. I just stood there for a minute thinking would I regret this?
Simple no. I had no future sure I wanted to go to college like every other normal kid, I wanted to fall in love with some awesome guy, and hell yes I wanted kids....but I just felt I couldn't have those things. I wasn't good enough for those things is what I had embedded In my mind.
Tired of thinking about what I would never have I swallowed the pills one by one. My tummy felt full with water and I felt nauseous but I couldn't tell if it was because I was scared or because of all the meds I took.
Feeling funny I walked to my living room and laid down on the couch kind of freaking out at this point. What was going to happen to me? Was I going to randomly just have a seizure and fall on the floor? Was I going to foam out the mouth?
My mind was going a million miles per hour until my thought process was interrupted.
A sharp burning pain unimaginable irrupted in my stomach suddenly I felt nauseous I got up gripping my stomach hoping the pain would stop. Breathing unevenly I sprinted to the bathroom slamming the door as I fell to the cold tiled floor.
My mouth was getting watery and I just wanted all the pain to be over. Suddenly my stomach lurched and I vomited into the toilet. Panting I leaned on the toilet staring at the grossness. I knew it was bad because the toilet was tinted with red and I lay down knowing I wasn't done yet.
Tuesday 6:05
I think I'm done. I lay on the tiled bathroom floor feeling colder than usual. Shivering and to tired to get up and get a blanket I just lay where I was staring up at the ceiling. I wanted to sleep my eyes felt heavy and my stomach sore. I give out a tired sigh before closing my eyes wishing to disappear.
That's all I remember before I drifted off. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I heard a scream and sirens. But that's it the rest I don't remember at all.
I don't remember my mom waking up to find her daughter covered in blood and I toilet full of fluids. I don't remember the ambulance ride or the EMT telling me that I couldn't give up and that there was a light at the end of every tunnel. I didn't remember any of it. But my mom told me this latter on expecting me to.
Wednesday 3:00am
I woke up to the quite beeping of a heart monitor. I groan and slowly open my eyes more than anything wishing to keep them shut forever but I opened them.
I looked around, next to me was a small nightstand with a plastic pink water pitcher and stacked plastic cups. On the right of me was a white curtain and ahead of me was a TV encased in plastic high up so no one could reach it. There was a small window next to the door that revealed a nurses desk.
None of them noticed I was up yet. Thank god I need a chance to collect my thoughts.
Shit I'm so dead I thought to myself. I just stared at the needles in my arm and wanted to disappear again. Sitting up in my hospital gown I ran a frustrated hand through my brown locks I needed to think of something to say before the doctor came. Of course just my luck a doctor stood next to the windows looking through my charts. I flew back in my bed but not before he looked up at me. Giving a slight smile before disappearing out of sight the lights suddenly came on.
I heard a knock on the door before someone entered. I have no idea why he was knocking when he saw that I was up and practically blinded me with lights....
" Emma how are you feeling?" he smiled slightly. He was a oldish man in his late fifties. you could tell because he had light grey streaks to his hair. His eyes looked warm though. He seemed like that cute old guy that you wish your grandfather looked like he was frumpy. Honestly he didn't really look like a doctor to me.
"I'm feeling alright doctor" I said sheepishly
He adjusted his coat "quiet the accident you had..."
I swallowed nervously oh boy here it comes. I nodded and didn't say anything. I didn't know what else to say. Sorry doctor I had a headache so I took some pills to make it stop?? How ridiculous would that sound.
When I didn't say anything else he continued "care to tell me what happened?" he asked giving a small smile again.
I was really beginning to hate that smile. " I felt sick..." I replied inwardly slapping myself.
He cleared his throat not smiling at all now but looking at me very seriously like he knew exactly what happened and I knew he did.
"you felt sick so you took about a whole bottle of aspirin??" he asked seriously.
"yes" I said getting annoyed now "it was late I....couldn't really see I didn't know how much to take." I finished lamely now inwardly punching myself. I sounded like a moron.
He nodded his head slowly "Mhm" he wrote something down on the chart before he looked up at me again "alright well that's all wrapped up your going to have to wait here for a while until we figure out where to place you." he walked out of the room the last thing I remember is the flash of a white leaving out the door.
"where to place you" I repeated numbly. I didn't like the sound of that.
Wednesday 9:30
I squinted my eyes as the morning sun woke me up. I sat up sighing wanting more than anything to go home. Right about now my mom would be bustling around in the kitchen and I would wake up to the clattering of pots and pans with the smell of chocolate chip pancakes my favorite in the air. All it smelled like here was alcohol and hospital. There was a knock on the door as a plump nurse entered.
"Good morning sweetie would you like anything to eat?? The chiefs are cooking breakfast for all the patients right now. Since you got here rather late we couldn't get you to fill out a order form but I can bring you anything extra from the kitchen if you would like?" she asked sweetly.
"oh no thank you I'm not so hungry at the moment. But thanks for asking" I replied with a small smile.
"alright dear but if you need anything just give me a holler I'll be right out at the nurses desk" she pointed at the door "would you like the TV on?"
I nodded "yes please that would be great" she handed me a remote before saying her goodbyes and walking out the door.
I flipped through the channels that where all out of order until I found one of my favorite cartoons "adventure time" I always found it cheered me up whenever I was feeling a little down it had a weird but funny sense of humor.
After watching about two episodes of "adventure time" I flipped to a new channel just because I figured nothing else good was on. I found the news interesting but at the same time a little depressing if you ever really thought about it the news doesn't really have anything positive to say majority of the times its mostly about unfortunate things like who got shot at your local store. But I watched it anyways.
There was another knock at my door before a doctor with glasses walked in I haven't met him before.
"hello Emma my name is Dr. Hertz I'm the hospitals local psychiatrist." he said giving me one of the few real smiles this place had. He looked at my charts and nodded "I've heard a little bit about your story but I would like to hear more about it from you if that's okay?" he asked asked seating himself in a chair across from my bed.
I nervously nodded "I felt sick so I took some pills is all. It was a accident"
He fixed his glasses and encouraged me to go on.
"it was late and I couldn't see is all" I finished sheepishly.
Dr. Hertz bit his lip looking at me a little sadly "Emma have you ever had thoughts of hurting yourself?"
I looked out the window suddenly wishing to be anywhere but here.
"no" I said quietly.
"Emma please I want you to be honest with me I want to help you." and he honestly sounded sincere.
Before I could stop it tears began to form in my eyes glazing them. Embarrassed I brushed them away quickly before nodding slowly.
"sometimes." I swallowed
He smiled sadly "alright, I'm going to have to admit you dear I'm sorry it's probably not what you want but you can't stay like this forever Emma." he smiled at me sadly again.
I nodded to my hands I understood. "where is my mother?" I questioned surprised my voice was actually calm and not all over the place.
"she's In the lobby last time I checked sleeping would you like me to get her for you?" he asked.
"yes please." I honestly didn't want to see my mom just because I didn't want to see her sad. Especially when it was my own fault. But I knew it was the right thing to do. Plus I was going to miss her.
When he came back with my mother he left us alone. I felt bad as soon as I saw her her face was flushed and her eyes where red. She looked tired. But immediately she walked over to me and gave me a hug. I could tell she was trying hard to be strong just because she was like that with everything. My mom had a tough childhood to which she didn't particularly like to talk about but I understood. some things you want to keep hidden....I actually understood that painfully well. She smelled like Chanel perfume that she always likes to wear. I hugged her back.
"why didn't you tell me?" she asked.
I didn't have a response for her I wish I did but I didn't. I just told her what I felt was right.
"I'm sorry mom" I said truthfully.
She just shook her head "don't do that again" she sniffed
"I won't" I promised I was scared of weather or not I would keep that promise though.
"so do they have coffee here?" I asked trying to lighten the mood. My mom chuckled before nodding "yes, there's a Starbucks in the lobby you want something." she asked
"do I want something? of course mom coffee I'm having withdrawals I normally would've had three cups already if I was home." I said kidding with her.
"so three cups of coffee?" she asked jokingly.
"yes please!" I smiled.
My mom returned a few minutes latter with a blueberry muffin and a coffee for me. I ate a little bit of the muffin and chugged down the coffee gladly.*
"so" I said trying to strike up a conversation "where's the family" I asked.
"they're at home. I didn't tell them anything yet Brittaney thinks were at breakfast" she said guilty.
Brittaney was my older sister she was twenty one. She had the smart in the family going for a nursing career and in one of the best colleges. I was closest to Brittaney I would confide in her with everything and she would tell me things too. We were best friends.
"well I think Starbucks is a pretty awesome breakfast stop" I smiled
"they do have really good sweets" she replied
"did the doctor tell you anything" I prodded
My mother nodded sadly looking at me "they're admitting you today they just have to get your room ready right now and then they can get you upstairs." she swallowed "it's apparently nice though Dr.Hertz was telling me they redid that part of the hospital." she said trying to cheer me up.
We had a few more good laughs filled with conversations about what we wanted to do for the summer before Dr. Hertz came back in the room.
"Emma your room's ready." he smiled.
I gave my mom a painful hug goodbye and followed Dr. Hertz out of the room in my hospital gown. My socks gripping the ground I walked on. We reached the elevator and he gestured me in first.
High school, a time for angst, reckless teen romance, parties at that popular kids house, and late evenings with friends. The era in society where everyone is part of their own clique and is known if they pull any crazy stunt like running around the school with your pants half down while you moon the girls track team. Don't laugh but this seriously happened at Summerfeild the large high school I attend that looks more like a freaky hospital or college than a school for adolescents. Seriously it's so big they need the security on golf carts which no offense people but I find a little ridiculous. High school the years were you have that one favorite teacher that makes learning fun. Where you make friends from all different school districts. High school the supposedly best years of our lives. Well for me let's just say it was one of the toughest so far.
6:00
Hunched over the toilet I gag shaking with fear and adrenaline I taste the coper taste in my mouth coming up again. Gripping the seat I get ready for what is to come. When I'm finished getting it all up I lie on my floor feeling cold and numb. Just trying to feel something, anything and wondering in the back of my mind if I regretted what I had did.
Tuesday 5:00 a.m
I wake up yet again feeling numb feeling hopeless. My soul submerged in a dark cold place I hated going to. It was so tiresome I was tired of feeling this way every morning. Tired of the same boring routine tired to be a constant disappointment to those I held close to me. Just tired of everything, almost in a hypnotized daze I got out of bed and slowly walked down the creaky carpeted stairs trying not to wake anyone to my lowly lit kitchen.
The laptop was sitting on the kitchen table from my sister using it yesterday. Brianna was my younger sister a bubbly social little girl at the age of eleven. She always came home with drama of her young school life it usually involved boys teasing her. We all knew it was because they liked her though Brianna was pretty for her age almost model status with her blond curly hair in a perfect ponytail that suited her well and her hazel eyes that always glowed with happy and childish excitement. I would miss her wacky self.
The oven was illuminated with the time 5:15 is what it said. It's amazing how when your depressed you don't really think things through you just kind of do anything especially reckless things your mind tells you to do. Irrational that's what I was when I opened the medicine cabinet to reveal tons of different kinds of medications not caring I took a few orange tubes filled with small pills and walked to the sink. I just stood there for a minute thinking would I regret this?
Simple no. I had no future sure I wanted to go to college like every other normal kid, I wanted to fall in love with some awesome guy, and hell yes I wanted kids....but I just felt I couldn't have those things. I wasn't good enough for those things is what I had embedded In my mind.
Tired of thinking about what I would never have I swallowed the pills one by one. My tummy felt full with water and I felt nauseous but I couldn't tell if it was because I was scared or because of all the meds I took.
Feeling funny I walked to my living room and laid down on the couch kind of freaking out at this point. What was going to happen to me? Was I going to randomly just have a seizure and fall on the floor? Was I going to foam out the mouth?
My mind was going a million miles per hour until my thought process was interrupted.
A sharp burning pain unimaginable irrupted in my stomach suddenly I felt nauseous I got up gripping my stomach hoping the pain would stop. Breathing unevenly I sprinted to the bathroom slamming the door as I fell to the cold tiled floor.
My mouth was getting watery and I just wanted all the pain to be over. Suddenly my stomach lurched and I vomited into the toilet. Panting I leaned on the toilet staring at the grossness. I knew it was bad because the toilet was tinted with red and I lay down knowing I wasn't done yet.
Tuesday 6:05
I think I'm done. I lay on the tiled bathroom floor feeling colder than usual. Shivering and to tired to get up and get a blanket I just lay where I was staring up at the ceiling. I wanted to sleep my eyes felt heavy and my stomach sore. I give out a tired sigh before closing my eyes wishing to disappear.
That's all I remember before I drifted off. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think I heard a scream and sirens. But that's it the rest I don't remember at all.
I don't remember my mom waking up to find her daughter covered in blood and I toilet full of fluids. I don't remember the ambulance ride or the EMT telling me that I couldn't give up and that there was a light at the end of every tunnel. I didn't remember any of it. But my mom told me this latter on expecting me to.
Wednesday 3:00am
I woke up to the quite beeping of a heart monitor. I groan and slowly open my eyes more than anything wishing to keep them shut forever but I opened them.
I looked around, next to me was a small nightstand with a plastic pink water pitcher and stacked plastic cups. On the right of me was a white curtain and ahead of me was a TV encased in plastic high up so no one could reach it. There was a small window next to the door that revealed a nurses desk.
None of them noticed I was up yet. Thank god I need a chance to collect my thoughts.
Shit I'm so dead I thought to myself. I just stared at the needles in my arm and wanted to disappear again. Sitting up in my hospital gown I ran a frustrated hand through my brown locks I needed to think of something to say before the doctor came. Of course just my luck a doctor stood next to the windows looking through my charts. I flew back in my bed but not before he looked up at me. Giving a slight smile before disappearing out of sight the lights suddenly came on.
I heard a knock on the door before someone entered. I have no idea why he was knocking when he saw that I was up and practically blinded me with lights....
" Emma how are you feeling?" he smiled slightly. He was a oldish man in his late fifties. you could tell because he had light grey streaks to his hair. His eyes looked warm though. He seemed like that cute old guy that you wish your grandfather looked like he was frumpy. Honestly he didn't really look like a doctor to me.
"I'm feeling alright doctor" I said sheepishly
He adjusted his coat "quiet the accident you had..."
I swallowed nervously oh boy here it comes. I nodded and didn't say anything. I didn't know what else to say. Sorry doctor I had a headache so I took some pills to make it stop?? How ridiculous would that sound.
When I didn't say anything else he continued "care to tell me what happened?" he asked giving a small smile again.
I was really beginning to hate that smile. " I felt sick..." I replied inwardly slapping myself.
He cleared his throat not smiling at all now but looking at me very seriously like he knew exactly what happened and I knew he did.
"you felt sick so you took about a whole bottle of aspirin??" he asked seriously.
"yes" I said getting annoyed now "it was late I....couldn't really see I didn't know how much to take." I finished lamely now inwardly punching myself. I sounded like a moron.
He nodded his head slowly "Mhm" he wrote something down on the chart before he looked up at me again "alright well that's all wrapped up your going to have to wait here for a while until we figure out where to place you." he walked out of the room the last thing I remember is the flash of a white leaving out the door.
"where to place you" I repeated numbly. I didn't like the sound of that.
Wednesday 9:30
I squinted my eyes as the morning sun woke me up. I sat up sighing wanting more than anything to go home. Right about now my mom would be bustling around in the kitchen and I would wake up to the clattering of pots and pans with the smell of chocolate chip pancakes my favorite in the air. All it smelled like here was alcohol and hospital. There was a knock on the door as a plump nurse entered.
"Good morning sweetie would you like anything to eat?? The chiefs are cooking breakfast for all the patients right now. Since you got here rather late we couldn't get you to fill out a order form but I can bring you anything extra from the kitchen if you would like?" she asked sweetly.
"oh no thank you I'm not so hungry at the moment. But thanks for asking" I replied with a small smile.
"alright dear but if you need anything just give me a holler I'll be right out at the nurses desk" she pointed at the door "would you like the TV on?"
I nodded "yes please that would be great" she handed me a remote before saying her goodbyes and walking out the door.
I flipped through the channels that where all out of order until I found one of my favorite cartoons "adventure time" I always found it cheered me up whenever I was feeling a little down it had a weird but funny sense of humor.
After watching about two episodes of "adventure time" I flipped to a new channel just because I figured nothing else good was on. I found the news interesting but at the same time a little depressing if you ever really thought about it the news doesn't really have anything positive to say majority of the times its mostly about unfortunate things like who got shot at your local store. But I watched it anyways.
There was another knock at my door before a doctor with glasses walked in I haven't met him before.
"hello Emma my name is Dr. Hertz I'm the hospitals local psychiatrist." he said giving me one of the few real smiles this place had. He looked at my charts and nodded "I've heard a little bit about your story but I would like to hear more about it from you if that's okay?" he asked asked seating himself in a chair across from my bed.
I nervously nodded "I felt sick so I took some pills is all. It was a accident"
He fixed his glasses and encouraged me to go on.
"it was late and I couldn't see is all" I finished sheepishly.
Dr. Hertz bit his lip looking at me a little sadly "Emma have you ever had thoughts of hurting yourself?"
I looked out the window suddenly wishing to be anywhere but here.
"no" I said quietly.
"Emma please I want you to be honest with me I want to help you." and he honestly sounded sincere.
Before I could stop it tears began to form in my eyes glazing them. Embarrassed I brushed them away quickly before nodding slowly.
"sometimes." I swallowed
He smiled sadly "alright, I'm going to have to admit you dear I'm sorry it's probably not what you want but you can't stay like this forever Emma." he smiled at me sadly again.
I nodded to my hands I understood. "where is my mother?" I questioned surprised my voice was actually calm and not all over the place.
"she's In the lobby last time I checked sleeping would you like me to get her for you?" he asked.
"yes please." I honestly didn't want to see my mom just because I didn't want to see her sad. Especially when it was my own fault. But I knew it was the right thing to do. Plus I was going to miss her.
When he came back with my mother he left us alone. I felt bad as soon as I saw her her face was flushed and her eyes where red. She looked tired. But immediately she walked over to me and gave me a hug. I could tell she was trying hard to be strong just because she was like that with everything. My mom had a tough childhood to which she didn't particularly like to talk about but I understood. some things you want to keep hidden....I actually understood that painfully well. She smelled like Chanel perfume that she always likes to wear. I hugged her back.
"why didn't you tell me?" she asked.
I didn't have a response for her I wish I did but I didn't. I just told her what I felt was right.
"I'm sorry mom" I said truthfully.
She just shook her head "don't do that again" she sniffed
"I won't" I promised I was scared of weather or not I would keep that promise though.
"so do they have coffee here?" I asked trying to lighten the mood. My mom chuckled before nodding "yes, there's a Starbucks in the lobby you want something." she asked
"do I want something? of course mom coffee I'm having withdrawals I normally would've had three cups already if I was home." I said kidding with her.
"so three cups of coffee?" she asked jokingly.
"yes please!" I smiled.
My mom returned a few minutes latter with a blueberry muffin and a coffee for me. I ate a little bit of the muffin and chugged down the coffee gladly.*
"so" I said trying to strike up a conversation "where's the family" I asked.
"they're at home. I didn't tell them anything yet Brittaney thinks were at breakfast" she said guilty.
Brittaney was my older sister she was twenty one. She had the smart in the family going for a nursing career and in one of the best colleges. I was closest to Brittaney I would confide in her with everything and she would tell me things too. We were best friends.
"well I think Starbucks is a pretty awesome breakfast stop" I smiled
"they do have really good sweets" she replied
"did the doctor tell you anything" I prodded
My mother nodded sadly looking at me "they're admitting you today they just have to get your room ready right now and then they can get you upstairs." she swallowed "it's apparently nice though Dr.Hertz was telling me they redid that part of the hospital." she said trying to cheer me up.
We had a few more good laughs filled with conversations about what we wanted to do for the summer before Dr. Hertz came back in the room.
"Emma your room's ready." he smiled.
I gave my mom a painful hug goodbye and followed Dr. Hertz out of the room in my hospital gown. My socks gripping the ground I walked on. We reached the elevator and he gestured me in first.