Pogosnork
May 15th, 2012, 02:52 PM
Over the past few weeks my life has gotten pretty bad, I've missed a fair bit of school (although I'm getting support on that front now).
But school is not really the main issue for me now, things have become very basic and intense. I've had a few episodes with some disturbing figures around my house, where as before they were just vague sightings as I went about my daily life. My psychiatrist and therapist from EI (early intervention) have said these are hallucinations.
Now I'm not new to the idea of seeing something that is not really there, I've had experience over the past couple of years seeing all sorts from party balloons to rather large animals (flamingos). But something in me can't accept that calling these figures (some form of mutated, animal/insect headed beings with very slender bodies) hallucinations is correct, it's a really deep, emotional feeling that is rejecting the notion that they are only products of my mind.
Also, my vision feels very slow, colours appear exceptionally bright and vibrant, and as people move limbs and objects they seem to slow down, multiplying, so instead of a steady movement, it's like someone has changed the speed of everything.
Also, I've been hearing voices. One part is a almost constant buzz, like a theatre foyer, the other is a collection of more clarified voices, they sound like their shouting out from the crowd, encouraging me to do things I don't feel comfortable doing, often when I become overwhelmed with them they repeat things and feel like their oozing out of my ears or climbing in.
I don't really think I could write down everything that's been going on the past few years, I'm more preoccupied with the here and now...
I'm on some anti psychotics and have been for a few days now, they'd made me very sleepy, but despite the length, sleep still seems restless and dreams uncomfortable. I tried some respiridole(?) late last year but had some bad side effects so came off after two weeks. Also a few weeks ago I was on sertraline (anxiety medication) but was again taken off it after several days because no one was sure if they were effecting the bad symptoms I was having.
So at the moment, my mood has been quite frantic and erratic, sometimes I'm very calm and contained, other times I'm actually crying (which is very rare for me) over little things like there being no hot water for a bath, or angry and aggressive because I thought soemthing was the wrong colour. I find normal daily tasks very hard (bathing, eating, sleeping). Over all I'm totally flooded with this whole situation, I feel very out of control and frustrated, and no long safe wherever I am.
However my mum has been brilliant help through this, as well as my boyfriend, my dad... Tries haha. But I'm still in a small house with and older and younger sister, so of course not everyone is coping.
I feel like a burden a lot of the time, and a ghost, I've lost my appetite, my interest in hobbies like drawing, painting and reading, I'm very desperate.
Amongst all this, I still felt a flicker of hope and positiveness pulling me through, until today, when the "voices" began saying some troubling things.
They said that the figures were here to take away the new children which I had been carrying in my body (maggots and worms) and I needed to burn my skin and purge in order to release them. If I didn't do this then they would die and rot inside me.
I like to think I'm a level headed person, surprisingly, but I'm stuck between believing this or accepting it is just my mind.
Help! There's no where to go where I can be calm, I can't stop but I can't go on, any advise?
My therapist mentioned respite houses and possibly hospitilaztion, but didn't seem too fond. Even though having people that understand with me doesn't stop what's happening, it's comforting. I'll be grateful for any input.
Poppy, 15 years. xx
But school is not really the main issue for me now, things have become very basic and intense. I've had a few episodes with some disturbing figures around my house, where as before they were just vague sightings as I went about my daily life. My psychiatrist and therapist from EI (early intervention) have said these are hallucinations.
Now I'm not new to the idea of seeing something that is not really there, I've had experience over the past couple of years seeing all sorts from party balloons to rather large animals (flamingos). But something in me can't accept that calling these figures (some form of mutated, animal/insect headed beings with very slender bodies) hallucinations is correct, it's a really deep, emotional feeling that is rejecting the notion that they are only products of my mind.
Also, my vision feels very slow, colours appear exceptionally bright and vibrant, and as people move limbs and objects they seem to slow down, multiplying, so instead of a steady movement, it's like someone has changed the speed of everything.
Also, I've been hearing voices. One part is a almost constant buzz, like a theatre foyer, the other is a collection of more clarified voices, they sound like their shouting out from the crowd, encouraging me to do things I don't feel comfortable doing, often when I become overwhelmed with them they repeat things and feel like their oozing out of my ears or climbing in.
I don't really think I could write down everything that's been going on the past few years, I'm more preoccupied with the here and now...
I'm on some anti psychotics and have been for a few days now, they'd made me very sleepy, but despite the length, sleep still seems restless and dreams uncomfortable. I tried some respiridole(?) late last year but had some bad side effects so came off after two weeks. Also a few weeks ago I was on sertraline (anxiety medication) but was again taken off it after several days because no one was sure if they were effecting the bad symptoms I was having.
So at the moment, my mood has been quite frantic and erratic, sometimes I'm very calm and contained, other times I'm actually crying (which is very rare for me) over little things like there being no hot water for a bath, or angry and aggressive because I thought soemthing was the wrong colour. I find normal daily tasks very hard (bathing, eating, sleeping). Over all I'm totally flooded with this whole situation, I feel very out of control and frustrated, and no long safe wherever I am.
However my mum has been brilliant help through this, as well as my boyfriend, my dad... Tries haha. But I'm still in a small house with and older and younger sister, so of course not everyone is coping.
I feel like a burden a lot of the time, and a ghost, I've lost my appetite, my interest in hobbies like drawing, painting and reading, I'm very desperate.
Amongst all this, I still felt a flicker of hope and positiveness pulling me through, until today, when the "voices" began saying some troubling things.
They said that the figures were here to take away the new children which I had been carrying in my body (maggots and worms) and I needed to burn my skin and purge in order to release them. If I didn't do this then they would die and rot inside me.
I like to think I'm a level headed person, surprisingly, but I'm stuck between believing this or accepting it is just my mind.
Help! There's no where to go where I can be calm, I can't stop but I can't go on, any advise?
My therapist mentioned respite houses and possibly hospitilaztion, but didn't seem too fond. Even though having people that understand with me doesn't stop what's happening, it's comforting. I'll be grateful for any input.
Poppy, 15 years. xx