Thunduhbuhlt
May 12th, 2012, 09:04 PM
The summer of 2008 was a normal summer, full of camping trips and an endless strip of boredom, but by that time, I was all too used to it. That year had been rough…with me just beginning the next part of life and not knowing anything about who I was. I tried so much to fit in; everything from growing my hair out long to worse things, such as cutting and drugs. I got the cutting idea from my sister. She was a naïve 15 year old and was very different; she was hanging out with the ‘emo’ kids at school and adapted their signature cutting ways. I can’t really say whether or not she was actually depressed but I remember seeing the cuts on her wrist and the cries from the bathroom. I always followed her and this was no exception. I started cutting when I was 11 years old.
That summer was specifically hard for me. First, I had been just so down and sad that entire time and I could not and still cannot to this day tell you why I felt so down. Also, in late summer, my 11 year old cousin tragically died in a car accident. Those two things really pushed me over the edge. I began cutting myself with anything sharp I could get, but scissors were always my favorite. I would just sit in my room all day and feel sorry for myself. I can remember thinking about suicide all the time, even every day, and always being so sensitive about everything, even something as small as getting yelled at would cause me to cry for hours and cut myself several times.
When school started, it really didn’t improve. It was the fifth grade, a very odd year for me, as I started puberty in this grade. And boy my mood was almost unbearable for my parents. I never told them about my cutting, but they did end up finding out about my sister’s cutting and that caused her to stop, but this didn’t change me. Anyways, I lived life in 5th grade in hell, hoping I would die. When 5th grade ended, I was starting to get better, or so I thought. The summer between 5th and 6th grade was good. I really tried to fix myself and by the time school was back in session, I thought I had done it.
The first couple months of 6th grade were really fun, I had a really fun teacher and enjoyed more laughs than in previous years. This all changed in November of 2009. Mrs. Gordon, the best teacher I had ever known, left the school and left me sad, not enough to relapse yet, but enough to put me to tears. I guess I was kind of excited to meet the new teacher, but after the first day, I knew it was going to be horrible. Oh how I was right. That year I thought that teacher was evil, so bad that I wanted her out. I sent a false resignation letter to the principal in which caused me to be punished and still today get shit for it. That whole year was just a messy blur but I do remember Outdoor Ed, one of the worst experiences of my entire life. I was sick and it was cold, and at that time, I was relapsing. I hadn’t started cutting, but I was sad and always felt left out and like nobody cared about me.
That year was finally over. After weeks and months of pain and humiliation, I was finally motivated to get better, and that’s just what I did. That summer I fixed my life. I am not sure exactly what I did, but whatever happened, it sure did work. That school year of the 7th grade and 8th grade was great.
Looking back 2 years from the end of my problem and 3 years from the beginning, I realize how much I regret wasting that much time of my life on something that could have been fixed if only I had gotten help. I am one of the lucky ones that was able to get out of that hole, but others aren’t so fortunate and go so deep into a hole that they can’t get out of and do something rational like suicide. Let me give you some advice, if you are hurting or hate life, don’t keep it to yourself, I had to learn the hard way that people really do care. “It’s always darkest before dawn.” That quote I keep with me and live by every day now, because it really is true. Things always get better, maybe not right now, maybe not even in a few months, but I promise if you try to fix yourself and get help, you will never fail. My life is so great, I have a great family, an endless amount of people that care about me, and have such great fortune. I am just glad I realized this before it was too late.
That summer was specifically hard for me. First, I had been just so down and sad that entire time and I could not and still cannot to this day tell you why I felt so down. Also, in late summer, my 11 year old cousin tragically died in a car accident. Those two things really pushed me over the edge. I began cutting myself with anything sharp I could get, but scissors were always my favorite. I would just sit in my room all day and feel sorry for myself. I can remember thinking about suicide all the time, even every day, and always being so sensitive about everything, even something as small as getting yelled at would cause me to cry for hours and cut myself several times.
When school started, it really didn’t improve. It was the fifth grade, a very odd year for me, as I started puberty in this grade. And boy my mood was almost unbearable for my parents. I never told them about my cutting, but they did end up finding out about my sister’s cutting and that caused her to stop, but this didn’t change me. Anyways, I lived life in 5th grade in hell, hoping I would die. When 5th grade ended, I was starting to get better, or so I thought. The summer between 5th and 6th grade was good. I really tried to fix myself and by the time school was back in session, I thought I had done it.
The first couple months of 6th grade were really fun, I had a really fun teacher and enjoyed more laughs than in previous years. This all changed in November of 2009. Mrs. Gordon, the best teacher I had ever known, left the school and left me sad, not enough to relapse yet, but enough to put me to tears. I guess I was kind of excited to meet the new teacher, but after the first day, I knew it was going to be horrible. Oh how I was right. That year I thought that teacher was evil, so bad that I wanted her out. I sent a false resignation letter to the principal in which caused me to be punished and still today get shit for it. That whole year was just a messy blur but I do remember Outdoor Ed, one of the worst experiences of my entire life. I was sick and it was cold, and at that time, I was relapsing. I hadn’t started cutting, but I was sad and always felt left out and like nobody cared about me.
That year was finally over. After weeks and months of pain and humiliation, I was finally motivated to get better, and that’s just what I did. That summer I fixed my life. I am not sure exactly what I did, but whatever happened, it sure did work. That school year of the 7th grade and 8th grade was great.
Looking back 2 years from the end of my problem and 3 years from the beginning, I realize how much I regret wasting that much time of my life on something that could have been fixed if only I had gotten help. I am one of the lucky ones that was able to get out of that hole, but others aren’t so fortunate and go so deep into a hole that they can’t get out of and do something rational like suicide. Let me give you some advice, if you are hurting or hate life, don’t keep it to yourself, I had to learn the hard way that people really do care. “It’s always darkest before dawn.” That quote I keep with me and live by every day now, because it really is true. Things always get better, maybe not right now, maybe not even in a few months, but I promise if you try to fix yourself and get help, you will never fail. My life is so great, I have a great family, an endless amount of people that care about me, and have such great fortune. I am just glad I realized this before it was too late.