Hmm

[Intrinsic]

Oh boy, story time. Excellent.

I've really been thinking a lot about my sexuality lately, and I think the whole problem of this is self-denial. Let me start at the beginning, before I get to what's currently been going on.

Quick note: None of the names in this story are my real friends's names, just for privacy purposes.

The backstory:

Starting in 8th grade, (last year for me), I have had a liking to this girl who was very attractive, a nice personality, and who had a boyfriend & did drugs. She, in my naive perspective, was a great person, even though I didn't know the entire story back then. I knew drugs and stuff like that was wrong, but I always thought there was a possibility to stay away from them or to try to get her to quit. There was always an on and off type of thing with her about drugs, sometimes she'd stop, and then she'd get back to them. I think she still does them, but I don't really care anymore. This girl though, would make me feel terrible later.

So, during the beginning of the previous semester of ninth grade, we began talking a lot more, and I really liked her for who she was, and I blocked out the fact of all of her immoralities and focused on her being a nice person. She seemed to like me, even though she had a boyfriend (of which she had broken up with and gotten back together at least 6 times), I still thought there was a chance. So, while she had broken up with her boyfriend, I decided it was time for a relationship, because I thought it would be appropriate to go one step farther than being "just friends". She even told me she was interested, and when I asked her to be my girlfriend the week after she had said she was interested, she denied me, and went back with her old boyfriend saying "You can have me until the end of the week." I was heartbroken. We pretty much ended all lines of communication after talking with her in a conversation with her on Facebook stating that she was the one who liked me thinking that she was 'so nice' and she wanted it to keep it that way, and she really wanted to be friends and she was scared of our friendship dying. I understood that message as: "I played you, lied to you, and smacked you in the face, but we should still be friends." Not happening. I was depressed for quite awhile

A month or so before this happened, I had sort of discovered masturbation. It was sorta on accident, (not going into details), but I started doing it more often, and it felt really good since I was having a lot of stress with friends beforehand. (Kinda irrelevant, but it will supply to the story later)

After this girl had dumped me, I really kind of had no one to like. I started questioning myself from that point on, telling my 2 closest friends that I'm am bi, both in text/Skype conversations. I really was afraid of telling it to my first and bestest friend, (let's call him Noah), because things had been really confusing for up to that point. My second best friend (let's call her Lana), I wanted to talk to her on the phone about it to prove something to myself, but she was busy and I wanted to tell her then, so we ended up texting. I was disappointed in myself, maybe I wanted to prove something to myself, maybe not, I'm not sure, but now I'm going to talk about the recent happenings.

IN FEBRUARY

So, we were on this school orchestra trip where only those who had made state orchestra could go, and I was rooming with one of my friends who is a senior, and is gay (let's call him Matt). We were doing a lot of talking at night, just about random stuff, and then it kind of got quiet, and he said, "Well, what do you want to talk about?" This whole sexuality thing had been on my mind the entire day, since, well, there is a higher likelihood of coming across a gay person in the arts than in just regular professions. So, I decided to talk to him about that, the conversation had many, many parts to it I could go on and on talking about, but that would make the thread way too long.

Basically it was this, he is 17, and I'm 15, and he basically said he wanted to kiss me. He had complimented me before saying I was good looking, and a very nice, genuine guy. Now, my hormones were raging then, but I had no idea what to do, and I told him that I didn't think I was ready for that yet, especially for 2 guys kissing each other. After we had closed up the conversation, I had to fight the urge to go over to his bed to lay next to him. I had to also keep myself from jacking off. It was crazy, and I wish I would have kissed him, because I was finally starting to realize who I was. Maybe not at the moment in time then I was wishing to have, but I am now.

I think that for me, was one of the biggest eye openers on what I might be. Now, for what I've been doing lately.

At this current point in time, I have gotten addicted to viewing porn images on different website, and jacking off to it (gay). I've been doing this a lot lately, and I don't know if I want to stop, or if I should. Also, I have had feelings for my best friend (his name is Noah in this story, right?) and I don't know what to do. I'm just having this war in my brain over a lot of stuff lately, and I'm not sure how to solve it. I'm gay, right? I have no idea honestly. It's obvious I feel physical attraction towards guys, since I look at guys who sag and stuff, just quick glances, and everything else. I think I may feel emotion towards them also. The biggest problem is, that I'm in denial right now, and don't know what to do about it or accept who I am, I mean, I want to have a wife someday, have kids, and have a normal life, but is that what I really want? I wonder that from time to time. I also question what my extended family would do if I were to come out of the closet. I think my family would cope, but not so much my extended. What about school, also? I've talked with some of my other friends, (my best friends don't care what sexuality I am, which is awesome :yeah:) and some think it's just weird and abnormal and they can't see themselves being friends with a gay guy. I don't know, I'm just lost and don't know what to do anymore.

Basically, I'm looking for advice and anything that could help me out. I think I've covered everything I've been feeling, and what's been going on in my mind, and am looking for answers to these few questions:

Would it be worth coming out of the closet to society, and if so, would I get anything out of it? I mean, I don't know of any gay people at my school, and I honestly feel isolated from everyone. Also, if so, how should I go about coming out to people? Which would be better, an announcement, or just slowly to my friends?

What would my family think, would I ever be able to get married/be happy? What about kids? I want kids of my own, but obviously that doesn't happen with guys. Is this just a phase? I think it's a bit more than a phase.

Thanks for taking time to read this, if anyone does, and for a mod's message, if this is in the wrong section, or something is wrong with this story, please, please, please, let me know so I can fix it. I really need advice, genuine advice, because I do not know where to turn from here.

Love and Peace,
Intrinsic.

[Midland]

In no particular order, here are some comments that I think may help.

For the time being I wouldn't think about coming out wether it be to friends/family, it'll just muck up your reasoning and add extra and unnecessary complication to your situation.

Try to think in the present to decide how you should define yourself. Leave thoughts of other out of it, its your life not theirs.

If you feel comfortable talking to your friend "Matt" I would do so as he might be able to share useful information about how he came to his conclusion.

You'll definitely be able to get married provided that you find the right person like everyone else, no matter what your orientation/outness is.

I'd try not to aim to be "normal" be who you are not who you want to be.

Whether its a phase or not really depends on the emotional side, but I would follow you're gut instinct.

Think about the origins of how you felt on your night with Matt.

Leave future thought of a wife and kids out of your decision, thats probably years off and you don't have to decide on that now.

Let your mind wonder, don't hinder it, it might be trying to tell you something.

Something that helped me was to take the whole idea of labels and coming out, out of the equation by aiming to think in a case by case way instead of trying to conform to something.

You don't have to be Straight, Bi or Gay etc. to be happy. The easiest way to be happy is to forget about denying yourself and fitting into your friends/families ideals of how you should be.

[Lyra Heartstrings]

I, personally, think your gay or 80/20 leaning towards guys bi. If you still feel your in denial, then wait till you tell anyone else. It's not easy (As you have already figured out), and not knowing what you are just adds to the pressure.
Hope I helped. :) Ever need to talk, just VM/PM/Skype me. I'm willing to talk.

[Intrinsic]

Thank you for the advice so far guys!

Could I get maybe a few more replies? A few more sources than just two could help. I haven't any updates on my story yet, though..

[Skyhawk]

Don't deny yourself, hombre. Be yourself and give it time.

Judging by this mildly entertaining story you're most likely having raging (they can get pretty hardcore) hormones since I didn't see much of an emotional attraction to guys. If there's more of an attraction to guy both physically and emotionally and it's greater than the (if applicable) ladies in the long run, then chances are you'll be joining the rainbow squad. :)

[Intrinsic]

Don't deny yourself, hombre. Be yourself and give it time.

Judging by this mildly entertaining story you're most likely having raging (they can get pretty hardcore) hormones since I didn't see much of an emotional attraction to guys. If there's more of an attraction to guy both physically and emotionally and it's greater than the (if applicable) ladies in the long run, then chances are you'll be joining the rainbow squad. :)

Ahh, thank you for the advice.

I suppose I should go ahead and clarify. I have been feeling emotional attraction for guys as of late, and just not as much for girls. Sure, I probably may be gay and what not, but I'm just having trouble recognizing who I am and accepting who I am.

Yeah, that was an interesting night, lemme tell ya ;3

Well, I suppose it's a good thing if my story was entertaining?

Thanks again for the advice. Feel free to reply to this or not.

[Skyhawk]

Well anything is entertaining for me, really boring life i have.

Aaaaannyyywayyyy... Either way, give it time. I wouldn't be 100% set until like 16-17 years old, just to be sure. ;)

In the long run, you're probably gay. :)

[Lights]

So, if you could go back to the night with 'Matt', would you have done things differently? If you could have that night again, would you maybe want to kiss him and experiment perhaps?

How are you feeling about 'Noah' currently? Do you still have emotional feelings for him? Do you find him physically attractive? What do you like about him? :)

The marriage and children issue you raised is a dilemma I had myself for a very long time. Why do we want that by nature? Because society has made it seem like that is the only so called 'normal' option. If homosexuality was more commonly accepted and same-sex marriage was universally legal across Europe, the United States and Australia, then I don't think LGBT youth would struggle with this kind of concern. Things are getting better for homosexuals though, I'm telling you. It's only a matter of years before same-sex marriage does become legal across all of those places I mentioned above. Governments only take baby steps with LGBT equality, but at least there are improvements coming stage by stage. So, to put it simple, you will still be able to get married (should you in time conclude that you want to settle down with a guy) and you will be able to have children in some way. Adoption is always there, and there's other options too like surrogacy. Adoption doesn't always sound appealing, but a child's a child in the end, and love is love, so it just wouldn't matter, especially if you had the child from a very young age, perhaps even from being a baby. It takes more than blood to share love.

Anyone who says being gay is 'weird and abnormal' isn't your friend in the first place. If they wouldn't accept you for who you are, then that says so much more about them than it does about you. It just highlights their ignorance.
People are so much more accepting than you realise, though. Of course, there will be some ignorant folk out there who are scared of what they don't understand, but most people your age, like your real friends, will be great towards you and will embrace who you are with love. Generations are getting better and better with sexuality.

I don't know any gay people at my school either, but I know in the future I will meet some. You have to try and think like that as well. I highly recommend you watch some videos from this YouTube channel because they will give you so much confidence to be who you are: http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject
This playlist consists of videos from schools and colleges, so you may feel you're able to relate with them a little more: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFC5C0278EC8A1245&feature=plpp

Are you confident you are gay? If you aren't, now's probably not the right time to be coming out. You need to be confident and assured in who you are before you take such a big step.

Best wishes.

[Intrinsic]

Awesome advice dude. I'll answer your questions the best I can.

So, if you could go back to the night with 'Matt', would you have done things differently? If you could have that night again, would you maybe want to kiss him and experiment perhaps?
If I were to relive the exact same night like tomorrow, heck yes I would. I'm frustrated about how I didn't take the chance back then, but I obviously wasn't emotionally ready. There may be a chance for him and I to room again this summer, but it's not likely.
How are you feeling about 'Noah' currently? Do you still have emotional feelings for him? Do you find him physically attractive? What do you like about him? :)
I find him very physically attractive, and I have a lot of emotional feelings for him I suppose. I just really like how he is as a person w/o all the effects of school hammering him. School really changes his personality to be more annoying, which I suppose is self defense for himself, but when it's just him and I, things are cool.

Anyone who says being gay is 'weird and abnormal' isn't your friend in the first place. If they wouldn't accept you for who you are, then that says so much more about them than it does about you. It just highlights their ignorance.
People are so much more accepting than you realise, though. Of course, there will be some ignorant folk out there who are scared of what they don't understand, but most people your age, like your real friends, will be great towards you and will embrace who you are with love. Generations are getting better and better with sexuality.
Yeah, I understand that, but it doesn't mean that making a choice of possibly 'coming out of the closet' can affect other people. Noah was a homophobe, but when I told him, he understood it better and then he was fine with it, which I really was happy about. I suppose I'm just super stressed and make society out to be worse than it actually is, but you never can know..
I don't know any gay people at my school either, but I know in the future I will meet some. You have to try and think like that as well. I highly recommend you watch some videos from this YouTube channel because they will give you so much confidence to be who you are: http://www.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject
This playlist consists of videos from schools and colleges, so you may feel you're able to relate with them a little more: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFC5C0278EC8A1245&feature=plpp

Are you confident you are gay? If you aren't, now's probably not the right time to be coming out. You need to be confident and assured in who you are before you take such a big step.

Best wishes.
I watched a few of those Youtube videos and they were quite nice to here, and were very inspiring. Thanks for that :)

I'm along the lines of 65-80% confident as of lately. I just don't know what I want to do about it, and just being trapped is kind of the way I've been headed for the longest thing. I think the biggest thing for me is self-acceptance, because I know I have a great set of friends who wouldn't rid of me for who I am.

Thank you again, kind sir =)

[Laquifa]

I've almost had something like this happen to me . I'm gay , and have known since 5th grade (I'm in 10th now) . I had one of my long time friends come out to me , even though I wasn't out . We experimented later that night and I affirmed myself about that . I really want to have a boyfriend , maybe adopt some children or surrogate , and be happy . You have to come to terms with yourself and try to look at life in many different perspectives . If you ever want to talk you can VM me as well .

[Intrinsic]

Sorry for bumping my own thread, but alas things have changed a lot over the months since I last posted here.

I'm officially 'out' online, I guess, but I've only told one person (technically) about my sexuality.. There were three originally, but one went onto college (Matt, I suppose from the name in this thread) and Lana I guess forgot (it's kinda obvious she did.)

I've been feeling lonely and depressed about things lately, and really what I've been looking for in life is someone to talk to, someone (a guy of course) who could give me a hug if I needed one, and someone else who is like me. No one at my school is out, and I feel so lonely in a class of about 400 and no one is out. I have no 'gaydar', so that doesn't exactly help. I'm afraid of so much publicly and socially, so I figure I may well not bother coming out. I've talked to a few of my friends on another forum and they advised me to come to other communities and make a thread, talk about my situation, and perhaps I'd come across others like myself. I want to just perhaps talk to anyone who's feeling in a similar situation, because I have yet to actually find anyone.

I know, it may be kind of selfish to come back here only just to ask for advice, which I kind of feel bad about..

I'm looking to talk to anyone. Feel free to message me or something, perhaps we can become friends, trade stories, etc. I have Skype but I'll only give it if asked for it..

I'm sorry again if this violates the rules in any way, just thought I'd post some thoughts hanging over my head at this current moment in time.