Fractured Silhouette
May 8th, 2012, 07:48 AM
Right, I have always had a very sensitive personality. Ever since I was young I would cry more than a-lot of kids. When I cried my Dad would say things like "Stop being such a big girl". My Dad's a funny guy, but he's very insensitive to others. He doesn't go out to hurt people, but he accidentally does sometimes. My mother on the other hand, is very sensitive, she gets upset at the slightest thing. So there has always been this confliction with my dad and mom telling me different things. My mom telling me it was okay to cry and stuff, my Dad telling me it was something you don't do because it was un-manly.
Anyway, that was just some relevant back-story. Now the problem I'm having is I don't feel like I fit in as a guy/boy/man. Mostly because I've had a-lot of people have told me I look like a girl. Now, I have nothing against girls at all, but now I'm super insecure. I've always been skinny, I have long hair, I have hardly any body hair and my voice used to be quite high-pitched. Guys used to ask me to flex my muscles and show my -sigh- pubes and armpit hair. I would just tell them to stop being so stupid. Then they would claim it was because I was weak and had none. And they were right. I remember one occasion were someone actually asked me if I was a girl, I had to tell them twice to convince them I was actually a guy and not a girl.
I have been told I'm a 'fag', 'wuss', 'girl', 'have no balls' etc, etc. I cried a lot during high school, I couldn't fight for crap, I don't like scary films and I have to hold back tears whenever I see a particularly sad part of a film (or video game). But through this I maintained a fairly stable self-image, I never considered myself any of these things. I just thought I was a guy who wasn't very strong, which was cool, never was into violence anyway and I always had my good grades and my video games.
I can't remember what it was, but one day I looked at my legs and thought they looked very feminine. I didn't want to see them anymore, so I started wearing pants and nothing but. This gradually happened with everything and now I don't feel comfortable unless my arms, legs and torso are covered in baggy clothes. I don't hate my body, as long as I'm wearing clothes. The only thing I like about my body is my hair and I don't think that'll ever change. (I would like to change it's colour though).
So now both my personality and my appearance are more feminine than I feel comfortable with. Next, it was my intelligence, I had always got good grades, which coincidentally was what all the girls in my classes were getting. I got a lot of 'only girls try hard at school' insults.
Finally it was the cutting, the loneliness and the pressure got to me. So I cut myself. I had never heard of anyone cutting before so I had no idea that was feminine to until I decided to try to find out why cutting made me feel better. Of course it was something else mostly girls do to feel better. The final blow to my male-ego.
Now, I don't know. I don't fit in with either gender. I don't like hanging out with my friends when they start talking about porn or how big their muscles are or how many push-ups they did and other topics of manliness. I literally can't make any new friends of either gender because I'm too scared of embarrassment or ridicule to talk to people. With women it's like 10x worse. So I get called gay a-lot, even though I'm not. I just want to be someone else. I need help accepting who I am. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I just want to fit in somewhere and feel more like my gender. The words 'stop acting like such a girl' are echoing around in my head. In fact I don't even want to post this, I should be able to get through this alone. But I can't.
I feel so conflicted, alone and weak. Maybe things would have been better off if I was born a girl. I don't know...
Edit: Now that I think about it, the title of this thread seems kind of offensive, I hope no-one takes offence. Perhaps 'Identity Troubles' might have been better. (facepalm) More regret.
*(feel free to move this if necessary)*
Anyway, that was just some relevant back-story. Now the problem I'm having is I don't feel like I fit in as a guy/boy/man. Mostly because I've had a-lot of people have told me I look like a girl. Now, I have nothing against girls at all, but now I'm super insecure. I've always been skinny, I have long hair, I have hardly any body hair and my voice used to be quite high-pitched. Guys used to ask me to flex my muscles and show my -sigh- pubes and armpit hair. I would just tell them to stop being so stupid. Then they would claim it was because I was weak and had none. And they were right. I remember one occasion were someone actually asked me if I was a girl, I had to tell them twice to convince them I was actually a guy and not a girl.
I have been told I'm a 'fag', 'wuss', 'girl', 'have no balls' etc, etc. I cried a lot during high school, I couldn't fight for crap, I don't like scary films and I have to hold back tears whenever I see a particularly sad part of a film (or video game). But through this I maintained a fairly stable self-image, I never considered myself any of these things. I just thought I was a guy who wasn't very strong, which was cool, never was into violence anyway and I always had my good grades and my video games.
I can't remember what it was, but one day I looked at my legs and thought they looked very feminine. I didn't want to see them anymore, so I started wearing pants and nothing but. This gradually happened with everything and now I don't feel comfortable unless my arms, legs and torso are covered in baggy clothes. I don't hate my body, as long as I'm wearing clothes. The only thing I like about my body is my hair and I don't think that'll ever change. (I would like to change it's colour though).
So now both my personality and my appearance are more feminine than I feel comfortable with. Next, it was my intelligence, I had always got good grades, which coincidentally was what all the girls in my classes were getting. I got a lot of 'only girls try hard at school' insults.
Finally it was the cutting, the loneliness and the pressure got to me. So I cut myself. I had never heard of anyone cutting before so I had no idea that was feminine to until I decided to try to find out why cutting made me feel better. Of course it was something else mostly girls do to feel better. The final blow to my male-ego.
Now, I don't know. I don't fit in with either gender. I don't like hanging out with my friends when they start talking about porn or how big their muscles are or how many push-ups they did and other topics of manliness. I literally can't make any new friends of either gender because I'm too scared of embarrassment or ridicule to talk to people. With women it's like 10x worse. So I get called gay a-lot, even though I'm not. I just want to be someone else. I need help accepting who I am. I'm not sure what to do anymore, I just want to fit in somewhere and feel more like my gender. The words 'stop acting like such a girl' are echoing around in my head. In fact I don't even want to post this, I should be able to get through this alone. But I can't.
I feel so conflicted, alone and weak. Maybe things would have been better off if I was born a girl. I don't know...
Edit: Now that I think about it, the title of this thread seems kind of offensive, I hope no-one takes offence. Perhaps 'Identity Troubles' might have been better. (facepalm) More regret.
*(feel free to move this if necessary)*