I've had enough and I want to die.

[Magenta]

just a warning, may be triggering. just don't read.

Today I came home at noon sobbing. I walked out of school with no intention of ever going back. I can't do the work. I'm being tested on things I don't know, writing essays about books I've never read. The teachers were given a note from the vice principal about what's going on but it doesn't matter to them. I only have one class I still like because of my teacher. But she doesn't know. I can't tell her.

Yesterday a girl I know told me my hair is ugly now. She loves to tell me to shut up and that no one cares when I open my mouth. Another girl calls me the most depressing person she's ever met. These alone probably don't seem so bad. I thought, though, that this school was my safe place. Not the place where people give me dirty looks for walking into the room or being treated like crap for existing. Well, it was my mistake for ever going back there and thinking things wouldn't have changed. That I hadn't changed and I'd still be a perfect fit.

All i'm ever told is that school is just to get a good job which is the rest of your life. well, i'm not interested in that. i don't care anymore. i don't have a future, i don't see a future so this whole graduating school is pretty worth less but that's not why i'm making a thread.

i have the blades, i have the pills upon pills and i have endless numbers of scarves or pants or things to tie around my neck until something works. i'm scared, i don't want it to hurt. i don't want to actually feel the dying bit, i wish it was as easy as falling asleep...

no one cares anymore. that's the thing. i've been here, in this very position so many times that no one cares. they think- no, know- i'll be fine the next day, nothing to worry about. is this how i have to show them it still hurts and that i'm not just a person who can move on? is this really how? i guess it doesn't matter, as long as i die.

that scares me though, my habit of always being here the next day. i need to try harder, i need to leave. i need to make it past just dizzy to unconscious, i don't know. i'm talking to a "Friend" of mine. i don't know who are friends anymore. i hate everyone, they all hate me anyway. he keeps making excuses as to why i'm still alive. it just makes me angry and i don't know why.

sorry for wasting another precious thread space that could be used for someone who matters. i can't even remember what i was trying to say anyway.

[Error 404]

Don't, just don't.It is never the answer.

And ignore the morons, they don't deserve your attention.Tell them to fuck off.Hell, if you're close, ill come and bitch slap them :P Come on, lighten up, it isn't bad as it seems, tho i know it feels like it is.It will get better, you just gotta keep trying.
It isn't easy, but life never is.

As i've read somewhere, "There is no shortcut to happiness".Just keep on going.Talk with family/psychiatrist how you feel, and everything, and it will feel better.Tell them how you feel, so they can understand.

And you do matter.I'm sure you've helped here a lot of people, who are really thankful to you.Go out, and run, or whatever you usually do, to take the anger out.

And i'm sure you family and friends care about you.I've ended up almost dead twice, and i thought the same, but no matter the fights and differences, they do care.And people on VT care for you too.

Everyone deserves to be happy, and so do you http://www.smileycentralnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/smiley-central-rose.gif

[plebble]

It seems like you're lacking serotonin.

Look, don't do it, please :(
Honestly tell your parents about all of this, tell them that you've thought about ending your own life and they will help you.
Just don't do it please, you're only young :(

[Magenta]

I don't even know if serotonin exists in my head.

My parents will only make things worse like they always have. They punished me for a suicide attempt before. Loudly argued the punishment still in the ER.

I'm only in school part time now but I still want to die. I'm going to do it. I don't know when, soon perhaps. I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore. My psychiatrist is away which is convenient.

I'm a terrible friend, a worse girlfriend, and a shitty family member. I just need to die.

Edit: Today there was a "motivational speaker" for a "stop the stigma" mental illness assembly. It didn't give me hope. It made me feel like I'm even more alone because I'm too fucked up to ever get better. My music teacher came to check on me after school but I can't tell her this is how I feel... I just need to die and get out of her way. I already wrote my suicide note to her.

[Smeagol]

Jo. I wish I could come up to Canada and talk to you. I love you Jo, not everybody hates you. I know that you have problems, and they suck. If you want to talk, I'm always here. Jo, please don't do this. You have helped me through so much... you mean so much to me! And what would Cleo do without you?

[Magenta]

You know, thinking about Cleo makes me hurt even more. I sometimes wonder if I should wait until she dies. She will die. She's old. Then I'll officially have nothing left.

But maybe I should just get it out of the way now. I can't live anymore, I truly can't. I have no way out. Death has been my only option for years and I keep chickening out because I'm a failure.

Even the one friend who I trusted now just says "you didn't commit before, you won't commit now". No one believes me anyway. Maybe that's a good thing, I can just die alone as planned.

[Smeagol]

You're not chickening out because you're a failure. You're chickening out because subconsciously, you know that death is not the answer. Whether you commit or not is totally up to you, but, please please please do not do it. I believe that you can do it, if you want to. But I also believe that there are good times in store for you in your future. I think that, if you live, when you're an old lady you will be very happy that you lived.

[Magenta]

The only thing I can see in my future is death. I see no career, no school, no love or friends or life. Nothing. I'm just wasting everyone else's time, I realize this. I'm just biding my time until I do succeed in committing. I feel so alone... and so afraid of everything and so useless and worthless. I don't think I'll be able to be an old lady. I'd rather die at 40 than become an old, regretful lady.

I'm scared of the actual dying bit, not of the leaving life part.

[Noxail]

You know, thinking about Cleo makes me hurt even more. I sometimes wonder if I should wait until she dies. She will die. She's old. Then I'll officially have nothing left.

But maybe I should just get it out of the way now. I can't live anymore, I truly can't. I have no way out. Death has been my only option for years and I keep chickening out because I'm a failure.

Even the one friend who I trusted now just says "you didn't commit before, you won't commit now". No one believes me anyway. Maybe that's a good thing, I can just die alone as planned.

Jo, I don't think you even know who I am, but I can say, 100% YOU. HAVE. SAVED. MY. LIFE. I was below rock bottom. I can't remember when, but I was ready to die. Just roll over and croak. But if you were to commit, we would loose one of the brightest people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. You have talked sense into so many people ready to go. You are stronger than this. You're worth it. Besides, didn't you just become a mod? What about all the people who need you now? You were chosen to be a mod for a reason, and you can't just leave us here. We need you. We all need you. :hug: Stay Safe ~Holli

[Magenta]

I don't know how anyone could possibly need me... but thank you.

I just don't know about anything anymore. I'm so confused and torn and depressed. I'm just so ready to die. I just want my girlfriend right now. I know there's been problems and I was pretty awful to her today but... I'm afraid. I'm weak. I should have died a long time ago.

Sorry, I'll shut up now.

[Noxail]

I don't know how anyone could possibly need me... but thank you.

I just don't know about anything anymore. I'm so confused and torn and depressed. I'm just so ready to die. I just want my girlfriend right now. I know there's been problems and I was pretty awful to her today but... I'm afraid. I'm weak. I should have died a long time ago.

Sorry, I'll shut up now.

:hug:

[Danny.Robertson]

Look honey, just over one year ago, my friend died. Everyone was sad and crying, even the people who didn't like her were crying, she felt like you, sad, feeling like life couldn't have gotten any worse. Yes, I too have been down the path you are down, but i'm still here. I'm still pushing on treating everyday like a puzzle which has to be solved just so I can get at a new one, I did that and my whole life has turned around. The people who dislike you, yeah they might always be like that, but you just have to be pushing through it, if the teachers are pushing you too hard, just say to them 'I can't do this, can you help me' or 'I really don't understand' or 'I think your pushing me too hard'. But trust me, Life is never so bad that you have to kill yourself people will miss you and everyone will be sad that this had happened. If you need anyone to talk, I am here, I know how you feel, I even know what your going through, just please, do not do it.

[starvingluv]

Killing youself is onlya solution to a temporary problem and god put us on this earth because he loves us ALL.

[Magenta]

Well, I don't believe in God so, whatever he loves is really none of my concern. I'm certainly not one of the people he does love anyway.

And unfortunately, I'm planning on killing myself for myself. Not for anyone else. Well, it will help with certain people but selfish as it is, I'm not sure I really care if anyone would cry. I'm just so apathetic now about everything, people are sick of it.

Everything lately... it's just one thing after another. School, friends, girlfriend, eating disorder relapse, not being able to cut, just wanting to die. Period.

I'm not sure what to do anymore, I'm sorry. I can keep stalling but for what? I can't see any way out of any of this. As soon as one thing improves, something else just plummets.

[Mortal Coil]

You keep stalling because you don't deserve to die. You're a beautiful, smart, trustworthy, honest young woman, albeit a tragic one, and you deserve more than this. Stay alive so that you can get it. :hug: I would miss you so much. I've admired you ever since I first saw you on VT. Please stay strong.

[Magenta]

I do believe I deserve to die though. Nothing I'll ever do will mean anything to anyone else.

Here's how I envision my "future": moving through high school and university and some job with no joy in it, as if I'm living out a dream, not really there like a ghost.

That's already how I'm living my life. And even the good parts are ruined by the rest. My girlfriend is already getting frustrated with me over my eating disorder and how adamant I am that I am fat and must lose weight at all costs. Well, it's true. But no one is ever going to want to deal with me.

So really, I have no future, no career, no real chance at love (I'd just be abandoned anyway like I always am).

I suppose it just seems like I'm repeating the same things over and over. But somehow this thread is still alive... why? Because I still want to just fucking die.

[Smeagol]

Jo, please don't get mad when you're reading this, but it isn't a real, normal feeling. It is most likely caused by chemical imbalances in your brain. If I had my psychology textbook with me (I got it to deal with my own issues) I could tell you what you're missing. I think that you ought to tell your therapist about this, it isn't normal, and it can change. :hug: stay strong!